To clarify, I am also a woman. Although allowing myself to be treated this way if probably just as unattractive.

He doesn't seem to be on Facebook. His ex owns another house so I do think that they are divorced. I can get her contact info, at least at work, she has an unusual name.

I have done more reading on this site and found some letters where the WS is urged to try to meet the emotional needs of the spouse who is going between them and the AP. In one letter it was suggested to try to do that for 6 months. So I'm confused. Is it just that I am past that? I can see how it would be unlikely to be ineffective.

Since my whole family has asked, to clarify, I don't think she was dying to leave me to be with men, I think this relationship was easy and there and the 2 of us had not been happy in a long time. I think she had a lot of stress about being the provider with the cost of the therapies, etc and the AP makes her feel safe and taken care of. Her mother had always disliked me and she expected her mother to be happy at the news. She wasn't which for her mother is the strongest statement I am likely to get.

She has finally started talking about her feelings instead of just avoiding me and she seems to have been very unhappy where I had seen it as busy. I thought that the depression had to be addressed before we could work on being happier, I get from this site that pushing that button over and over rather than reconnecting was a really bad tactic.

This piece of data is very important & ought to have been included in your opening description of your marriage.
Why did you omit this?

Because .... our advice is likely to vary in a 2 woman marriage.
Plus, some posters may not want to offer advice for various personal reasons.

Edit to add:
Myself, I don't feel competent to offer seasoned advice for your situation.
It is a skill set I have not obtained.
Get Surviving An Affair ....

Isn't there a same-sex marriage support group on the web?

Give me a break. You left out this little detail?

I left it out because I was afraid that I would get a negative response.

FWIW, we are legally married in the state where we live and have been together for over 15 years. She is legally the 2nd parent of the kids. It is fine if people don't want to give advice for whatever reason. I am feeling pretty desperate for my family's future here, following all of the conventional advice about therapy, etc. has just made everything worse. When a friend recommended this site it was the first place that talked about what to actually do to make things better.

I would appreciate help/advice from anyone willing to offer it. She recently said to me that she realizes that she thinks like a guy. **edit** The advice is probably pretty similar. Again, I am scared. I shared more information to be honest and it was a risk. I hope that some posters who feel comfortable will still offer me advice. The kids cry for her at night and it kills me to hear the "I love you but I'm not in love with you".

Not that I am aware of or that I have been able to find.

I have ordered the book.

I respect anyone's wish not to offer advice but my family is in a horrible position, esp with the one child's health issues and her being the source of health insurance. I hope that someone else who has been in a similar situation can give some guidance.

The latest proposal as of today is to keep things as is for a year until the youngest is in school full time, then split legally. That will preserve health covereage for everyone. I don't know that emotionally I can handle the coming and going but financially at the moment I have little choice.

No, my intention was to try to save my relationship.

The relevant facts are that my spouse of 15 years suffered from depression and was under a lot of stress. We did not invest a lot in our relationship for a while for a variety of reasons, huge mistake. When she refused to address the depression and it was really impacting the kids I asked her to move out to address it. Another huge mistake. She started to treat the depression then decided that we were the source of her bad feelings while depressed. She is currently in a relationship with a boss that threatens her job. She wants to keep an option here in case it does not work out but they are very infatuated.

Surely someone can see a lot of similarities with their own experience? Including being a SAHM who is being threatened with loss of income and insurance with little kids involved?

This is kind of proving my fear right. I didn't want that to be the reason that I wasn't offered any help. I truly just want some advice/help. My social circle is primarily the parents at my kids' schools, to my knowledge no one I know in real life has had an affair happen in their marriage. I don't have anyone to turn to. The conventional wisdom about therapy has just made things worse. Her therapist is urging her to do what makes her happy, so that was a big mistake too.

Whatayear,

The principles of MB work for any kind of relationship, continue to read, continue to work on yourself, continue to post.

Thanks to MB btw I advised a lesbian coworker about why to avoid cheating on her partner, and they are still together.

God Bless
Gamma

Thanks. Will do.

Thanks. She was so close to coming back before the affair. She even gave the kids a date she would move back in. I think my being angry about the untreated depression and expressing that to her was so dumb. It was a legitimate feeling but expressed at the wrong time. Instead of moving back that is when the ring came off and the affair started. It's our relationship that broke down so when I talk about the kids it still isn't really getting at the issue for her. I didn't get that before this site, it was me not paying attention and listening that was the problem that I could control. I will keep reading, I only wish I had found this sooner. So much of what I have done has been counterproductive.

Whatayear .... My dear girl ....

I decline to offer you any further advice while you still insist that it was/is an OK choice to try & deceive this forum.
That is my only issue with you.

Until you admit that your intentional misrepresentation of the facts was "wrong" and a "mistake" that you now regret ... I cannot work with you.

You can do better.
Please.

I will do better. It was wrong and a mistake. It was intentional and bad judgment made out of fear. I regret that I was less than honest and that anyone felt as though they had wasted their time. I am truly sorry for that.

Pepperband, I appreciate the advice that you shared at your link. It is very helpful. It is hard to follow in part because I am having difficulty managing my fear and anxiety. Again I did that today and I sincerely regret it in posting incomplete info. I think that my emotional outbursts, driven by anxiety and fear in part, were quite detrimental in our relationship.I am taking active steps to learn to manage those emotions better and to feel stronger and less anxious. It's super hard though. I do need to become self supporting so the dependency isn't driving anxiety, but with the relationship floundering and the one child's medical issues I have gotten to a really beaten down frantic state.

I apoligize for being deceptive, it was very disrespectful. Given how much many of us have been impacted by constant lying, it was an especially poor choice. Fear seems to rob me of judgment at times. I need to take steps to really address that.

Again, I appreciate any advice.

Thank you.