I'm glad to hear I can write a shorter letter.

I have a Gmail acct. Is there a way to block or bounce emails from him? I cannot change email accts. My job searches link back to that address.

He turned off my iPhone acct., so I don't have texting. When it gets re-activated, I don't plan on letting him know. He saw me using my other (cheap) cell phone recently. But eventually he'll figure it out. Is there a way to block texts?

He's is already blocked on my Facebook acct.

I really think he will be relieved. When he left, it was seriously COLD TURKEY. No wishy washy, "I can't decide between you two". None. No, "I miss you, us," or anything like that. From a guy who was SO devoted to me before. Not now.

So I kinda think he will be relieved that I am getting out of his life.

But then - there is all that ANGER towards me. And it is all MY fault. Everything. From the demise of our marriage, our debt (ummm, HE is the one who started his business across our credit cards), the failing of his business, even my car getting repo'd was my fault (even though he was COURT ORDERED to pay it). He accepts no responsibility - he never has, nothing has ever been his fault. So this should be a very interesting Plan B to watch....

Thoughts, anyone?

My thoughts are

you are going to plan B for you, not to manipulate him, though, it would be interesting to be a mind reader and be privy to his inner thoughts when you do.

I do know that it takes a very long time to get out of the trap of trying to control your love's actions and thoughts. Marriage is that way and as you disconnect for your mental and physical health.....it is tough stuff.

Get in a good place for yourself (protecting your finances from further pilfering and your children from further mother deterioration) and see what happens.

Okay?

Thanks Reading,

I have a feeling Plan B will be harder on me than him. I think I will miss him terribly...what little I have left, that is. Five, max 17 seconds at pickup. However, his INCESSANT talking (Mr. Good Guy, ya know) during Dr. appts. or school conferences) Okay, won't miss that. Just wants to make me scream - "He is a SLIME BALL who is cheating on his wife!!!!"

But I am going on the fact that someone said I will feel better than I have in months. I sure could use that....

Funny thing - recently he has picked up the phone when I called the last TWO times (second one was actually my son calling him - first time maybe, so I doubt he thought it was him). I am so used to getting his voice mail that it actually caught me off guard. Remember, I stopped answering the door just last 2 of 3 times, blocked him on FB a month ago. So he may have noticed that I am beginning to disconnect. But as recommended, I am going to go back to answering the door as I have the last 18 months, and do Plan B in one fell swoop. Need to work on the letter. Ugh...

I love this. great plan A'ing, you're a natural!

Sounds exactly like mine in a way. He was so hostile to my face and in messages. It was MY fault we had grown apart - not Ow's, He was NOT amused about exposure, he didnt want anthing to do with me EVER again.

So when he came to get his stuff from the house, I bugged the living room. Heard him crying like a lost soul and he also took all the love letters I'd written him out the bureau. Crazy.

It's just an act for defensive purposes. Part of it is also his poor little wayward brain not understanding how his happy marriage (which he misses) got messed up. It cant be his fault. It makes NO SENSE that he could have done this misery to himself. So -ta da! - it must be yours...

Thanks, Indie,

I have been very pleasant as of late - my DD event where we had to hang as a family in June - I was easy, breezy, calm, and happy. He couldn't run FAST enough when it was over.... DS recent Dr.'s appt. Ohhhh - could have said so MANY jabs - but focused only on DS. Meanwhile, WH can't stop chatting, chatting, chatting with the Dr. or the teachers. Must. Show. Others. He. is. a. good. guy.... Spare me. At recent event with our two kids where he didn't know I would be there - lo and behold - OW two kids ALSO get out of his car!!!! Couldn't help myself hours into the event - when I said, "What kind of a message does that send to your children?" because he couldn't be bothered to take his OWN DD to her camp, cuz he was watching the two OW children where we were at. I held my ground firm - afterall, it was HIS parenting time. I let him figure out to get someone else to watch OW kids there while he took her. Afterall, why should I used the BORROWED car I am using since he got mine repossessed to run his errands because he brought OW kids????? Too bad for him! Interesting side note - when she came to pick up her kids to take them to appt., she did not even pull down into park where we were. He instead walked them up to busy two lane road and she picked them up there!!!! Ha! Yah - they weren't expecting me there. He was a texting fool. Probably - "Oh crap - my WIFE is here!!!!"

Thank you for your replies. Sure makes me feel better to hear your opinions and input into my situation.

Better Days

There is going to be a real shift soon and your WH WILL react to it. Right now, he KNOWS you are there.....in Plan B, he will worry and be ANGRY that he is losing control of you and he will try his darndest to get that control back. If you have a good IM, however, you won't know about it at all.

The fact that he feels the need to show how "good" he is, also speaks volumes. He is aware that what he is doing i acting like a POS. Good.

WOW, WOW, WOW!!! Would sure love for a vet or vets to decode this very angry WH response (the third section) to a very simple email I sent regarding our travel destination plans (required by our court ordered parenting schedule for the UNINTERRUPTED vacation time.) Please be advised he does NOT give me ANY info regarding when he is leaving, where they are staying, phone number, etc. (I know - really surprising, huh?) Plan B - I am securing my IM - and can't wait to implement.... you'll see why in his rant at the end. The first two emails back and forth sure seem nice...but then he LASHES out at me. Decoding welcomed.

WH response:

Since they will be gone so long, and you're not leaving until Sunday, I would like to see the kids for 1-2 hours on Saturday. I can pick them up & get lunch or dinner with them. Please let me know - I would really like to see them again before they are gone for so long.

My Reply. I said it in the most calm way, hoping that we could avoid this in the future. Boy, he sure did NOT take it that way..... Here it is:

When you schedule vacation over the spouse's weekend, I agree, it makes for a very long time with out the kids. (note to MB readers - I JUST went through this in June - it was horrible - but I respected his time and said nothing) Last year , I respected your weekends, and did not do that to you. However, this year, you chose to do that. I too, had to be with out the kids for 10 days, even though you only traveled for the 5 middle days. I hope you will use consideration in the future of not scheduling over each others weekends which causes these long vacations. As you know, we had a trip planned with other families, and you were inflexible as to scooting your vacation to allow the kids to do that.

Last summer, and any other time in which there has been a pick up at 9am, I also moved it to 10 to allow the kids to sleep in. You have not allowed for that at all this summer.

I find it interesting that the consideration is always only one sided.

-BS

WH reply:


Please stop your petty tit-for-tat games. Again, I know you hate me, but please stop taking it out on me by using the kids.

You have deliberately done everything you can to minimize my time with the kids - all you're gaining by it us their pain and resentment. I have made efforts when they are away with me for them to see you when possible before & after, even making DD late for the wedding rehearsal last week so you could see them a few hours before they left with me for the weekend. (Note to MB readers - Wrong - it was on MY time - and I did her hair for her during that time) And that was after you made the unilateral decision to keep them from me for the weekend after spring break. (No, I suggested flip flopping weekends to avoid having them 3 weekends in a row and he would not agree)

I simply asked, even knowing ahead of time the answer. Please, please get yourself some help. Why is it obvious to everyone but you how hate-fueled your life is? You are tearing the kids apart with your anger and vile.


I would still like to see them Saturday. If your answer is no, simply tell me - no more hiding behind your constructed excuses of why I have to be punished by your withholding the kids from me because you feel you have been wronged.

-WH

He also sent two other emails after this one, lashing into me for other topics. But wow - "hate-fueled life", "anger and vile", sure hope someone is up for some of that decoding that is sometimes done.

Thanks,
BD

btw, both of my books arrived today...looking forward to reading them and learning LOTS!!!!!

I am not a vet but what I will say is that you need to get into Plan B ASAP

There is some things in your email that is baiting and antagonistic. It was bound to get a bad response from him so no surprise there.

I personally have a plan with my children that we stick to the visitation schedule. They have missed birthday parties etc because of it but all around it was what was best.

If there is ever considerations made, it should be done sedolmly and when unavoidable otherwise someone is going to feel that they got the shaft and the cycle will continue. And the only people who will suffer will be the kids.

Anyone else want to take a stab?

So what can be done when emails are sent in a very calm and peaceful matter, but then they are always read with contempt? (see a couple of posts up) I know - PLAN B!!!! I am SO ready to stop dying a death by 1,000 cuts, I just need an IM!!!

I used to send emails and texts with a heading that would read something like - please read this with a calm tone, as that's how it was written.

IS this anger due to things probably not going well with the OW/AP? Wowza - it was just crazy. Do all of you others just see him as following the same path of every WH out there? Is he going to ever wake up?

It sure doesn't seem like it to me....:(

You can... Go dark in your Plan B, and quit expecting to talk sense with the senseless.

Best answer I got. Anyone else?

And, thanks, Scotland for your reply. Yes, it sure seems funny that pretty much we follow the schedule - but I am ALWAYS the one who gives more time, allows the pickup to be later for the kids benefit, but when it comes to anything I need to switch, or the kids attending a camp on his time - FORGET IT!! Basically - if I suggest it - it is certainly a bad idea. He has done a FANTASTIC job out of monstrification of the spouse - but I wonder if I am being a doormat by giving him extra time. Matter of fact, I spoke up in court about the kids not 'officially' being registered for the summer camps I was teaching and not 100% sure of they could attend (later - turns out, yep, they sure could - and for FREE!) and he gained 12 extra hours a week. But yet he complains I give him more time - Oh quite untrue!!! Sad thing is - they DO NOT want more time - cuz he always takes them to the AP house, where he now lives. And they hate that. And even more they hate that he continually plans 'fun' events for them (they say he is ambushing them) that conveniently include the AP children. They REALLY hate that. But, it is not what they want - it is what DAD wants. He is seriously damaging his relationship with them little by little - but notice in his rant email - how I am to blame for 'damage' to the kids???? AGGGHHHHH!!! I have worked so hard to stay in this house with two acres to care for, went back to school, instantly started working, wouldn't dream of introducing anyone to them (because - hello? I am still married!) while we live on peanuts because he refuses to pay any support, dragged me through bankruptcy, and has had my car repo'd. But yet I keep getting up, brushing myself off, surviving, planning fun things for the kids (thank god for camping!), taking them to counseling, etc., etc., etc. Is this why he's so angry? Because he is trying to destroy me on every level and yet I keep getting up? Little does he know the severe pain I am in - I don't have to tell any of you that. You, sadly know.

Anyway - I digress....in quite a major way.... What I really wanted to know is if anyone else wanted to take a stab at decoding his angry email...

Thanks, BDA

I agree. Scotland does have a point.

Yep, exactly why emails should never be fired of rapidly...I can see it too! Exactly why I need to be in plan B....

You do not want the angry and bitter tone of your responses to be his last impression of you before Plan B.

I would suggest running your responses through here for a while, even if it means a delay.

Working on last impressions before Plan B, so need advice.

WH asked for golf clubs today - to play with his Dad and our DS.

Whenever I give him something, he REFUSES to return it. Seriously, he needed the kids original Birth Certificates and he refused to give them back to me until the GAL intervened. Borrowed chainsaw (for his Dad) will not return. Ripped a piece of exercise equipment off of my bike when he left, does not use it, refuses to return.

I responded back that it sounded very nice, and that I thought the exercise equip. and chainsaw would be a fair trade and I would be happy to oblige. I know he will not show up with those items but will expect to receive his. Then he will bad mouth me to everyone that I won't let him have his clubs so he can play golf with his Dad and son (although he hasn't played in YEARS!!!!)

All this on top of finding out when I went to apply for food stamps today, that HE has been on them - claimed the kids over a year ago (even though I am custodial, residential parent) and that he is on Medicaid too, due to having also have claimed the kids. If you've read back further, he only pays support what's garnished, had my car repossessed, cell phone turned off, left me without a job, and on, and on, and on. But expects me to bend over to all his wishes and tells everyone how angry and vile my life is. To be truthful, right now, YES - I am angry!!! But most of the time I am clam and pleasant, well at least that's how I feel when responding to him, but then he twists my words to make me sound like an angry, crazy person.

So what do I do about these golf clubs? I know he won't have my items I requested. (I've asked 4 - 5 times over the last 8ish months)

Help!

BetterDaysAhead

How about ,"Darn, I'd love to lend them to you, but they're at (insert name or place here.)"

But, if you don't use the golf clubs, then you could just hand them over knowing you won't get them back.

Well, I set them out by the front door. I am reading SAA and a few sentences had made an impact on me. "Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness" p.90. I figured with him headed to a social event where my kids used to go to school (and the POSOW children still do), that by not setting them out, it would have given him ammunition to talk about how 'terrible' I was. Plus, then he could do the same with his family where he will be spending the weekend. Yay for no paramour contact. (My heart is sick for those who cannot get this in place as I have read in other's posts)

Sure enough, he came to the front door without the items that I requested. But I did not have an AO, disrespectful judgement, lecture, remind, or tell him now that he couldn't take them to punish him. (Again - reading SAA)

I thought he would ring the door bell, grab the clubs and start loading them in the car while the kids came out the door. Nope. He stood down two steps. Seemed unsure as if to touch or take the clubs. I stood in doorway, saying goodbyes, "have fun", etc. Front door is open, but glass storm door (why has it never had a screen?) is closed. He must realize that I am not going to lecture or demand my items, so finally reaches out and takes them. He does say Thank You, but since the storm door is closed, I don't respond. I suppose a cheery, 'Your welcome' would have been best, but I am still so emotionally drained from the whole food stamp thing....

-BetterDaysAhead

Okay....so I SO wanted to rub them with poison ivy. I am not allergic, he is terribly.... Kids so far are not. But just my luck, the kids would have touched them, then they would have gotten it! okay, evil thought over.