ww had ea. then an EA/PA with another man.
no apologies, not ready to forgive me, for being an inattentive husband. Has refused NC with OM, but they are now "just friends" Heard that before.

been trying to decide if i want it to work out out of love, or out of security.

she seems to be on the fence.

Recently she recieved orders to a crappy place. I must admit it makes me smile a bit. She gave up our dream base when she found "love" with OM so the thought of her "paying the piper" makes me a little happy. (I know it's not good)

Does that mean i'm done when i find pleasure in her missery?
Is that just my taker?

Bad thing is the place she is going is very bad for my career. (like running a surf shop in alaska) and if i go she will hold most the cards. If she is just stringing me along i will be in a bad position.

how do you know when you're done?

unloved8 (a very sad moniker, I must say),
you have a couple threads going, it looks like, so I'll not try to piece together your background. Just to answer your question:
I think you're done when you actually have NO feelings regarding her misery or pleasure. Complete ambivalence.

optimism