My girlfriend and I are both committed Christians, and we are in a serious committed loving relationship. However, we have a very serious foundational issue that we are not able to resolve, and it is rapidly decaying our relationship. Last year, I caught her on an online dating website, chatting with other men, for several weeks. When I confronted her with evidence, she denied it for over a month. Then she said that it was justified because our relationship was not stable, and said that although going online and lying was �wrong�, and apologized, she also made it very clear to me that it was not �cheating�. All during this time, although we had been arguing some, we were together, sharing, loving. We had Thanksgiving and Christmas together with our families. We went to church together, prayed together, studied the Bible together, even attended a pre-marital communication seminar (and even filled out the certificate to get a discount on a future marriage license). We went to my company department Christmas party. I had even asked her several times before if she wanted to date other people, and she said no. After several months of grieving, I chose to accept our differences, because everything else about our relationship was good.

Since then, I do not think that there have been anymore of these incidents. However, I fear that she has the tendency to pursue this temptation and activity, when we are having conflict, and by only saying it is �wrong�, but not �cheating�, is reduces from her point of view, the responsibility, accountability, seriousness, and the impact of it. This week, after talking to her more about this subject, she still has the same definition of cheating. I asked her about other types of cheating. She told me that although it is �wrong�, her definition of cheating also excludes looking at porn, either online, video, pictures, audio, chatting, texting, nor fantasizing about having sex with someone other than your partner, nor masturbating associated with any of these, because it�s not a real person, there is not continual pursuit, or exchanging of contact information, nor in-person meeting.

I view all of these actions as cheating, because I believe cheating is not just the physical activity, but the condition and attitude of the heart and mind. My basic definition of cheating, in a committed relationship, married or unmarried is: �Cheating is anything that I do, that I wouldn't do if my partner was with me or knew about it.� I want to be able to justify my values. If I am being too critical, too perfectionist, being a hypocrite (Matthew 7:3-5), then I want to be humble and mature enough to admit I am wrong, and accept the truth. If my values are correct, then I want to find a way for her to gain knowledge and wisdom, so that we can continue to grow our relationship. I do love her very much, and I know that she loves me (I Corinthians 13:4-8).

Thank you.

Welcome to MB, proverbs.

Just for information: do you and your girlfriend live together?

Whilst you are not married, she is technically free to do whatever she pleases, but if your definition of cheating and hers do not match, and if she therefore refuses to refrain from something that causes you pain (sometime in the future, even if she has stopped for now), then you should not get married, if that is what you are thin king of doing.

I think that it is not so much about the "correct" definition of cheating, as about the fact that you and she do not agree about standards of behaviour.

She is free to do as she wants, and you are free to decide what you will accept from a girlfriend.

Hi Proverbs, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am not sure why you are on a marriage forum with a question that is more suited to a dating forum, but I will just agree with Sugarcane and point out that you are not married. Because you are not married, she is a free agent.


Does she believe it is cheating when one is married, though? If not, then obviously you have a serious issue and should reconsider marrying her. Many of the affairs we see on this forum began in the ways you outlined above, via the internet. If she sees nothing wrong with that, then you are signing up for a life of hell.

It is interesting that she has made these compromises and believes this behavior to be okay.

Are the two of you sexually active with each other?

You both share a major moral difference.

You feel she is being unfaithful and I agree and you should not only marry her you should not even date her.

She will always find away to cheat on you and tell you why and how she was justified to do so.