8 years ago when we met I was so in love with him and wanted nothing more than to marry him. He was uncertain about marriage for the longest time, and only after I tried to end the relationship for good (no ultimatum, I just ended it) did he come back a week later and propose.

We had dated long distance for about 6 years with a break in between. I uprooted everything from back home and moved to where he was, which to me was well worth it. I never dreamed I would ever be unfaithful to him.

We are both Christians and do not believe in infidelity, reading/watching porn, divorce, etc. One of the first things that attracted me to him was the stand he took against things like men's magazines and porn because of how men struggle with lust. Years into our relationship I started finding a few things - a porn site saved on his computer, a few suggestive pictures from magazines. He explained they were all old and I forgot about them.

But after we got married I started finding stuff like this all over the house - everything from soft core porn printed off the internet to pictures women modeling bras in a Kohl's flyer! In addition I knew before we were married he wasn't 100% sure. It took a while to plan to move and then set a wedding date. One night I saw him type in his email password so I went back and looked and found he had been on dating sites up to 6 months before I moved down.

We talked about all this stuff and I forgave him (I just didn't forget). Through it all, I loved him, and believed we were supposed to be together.

After we got married we faced more strain. His work is very demanding and he works long hours. Even when he comes home, goes on vacation he still needs to be available to his staff. He would tell me he would "be right home" and sometimes it was up to two hours before he'd walk in (he worked 10 minutes away). All I asked was that he come home when he says he will, and if he can't, don't tell me he's coming. I stopped preparing dinner until he came home because many nights when he was "on his way" I was left sitting at the table with plates covering our food to keep it warm.

All of this stuff chipped away at an already suffering self esteem. He was too tired for sex a lot of the time and if I got upset he would get defensive saying I didn't understand his workload. I initiated sex 75% of the time, was turned down at least half, and I have never, ever turned him down.

One night a cop at a local store struck up a conversation with me. I didn't think much of it. Over the months, I ran into him there occasionally, and one night he told me that I was "gorgeous". I admit I was flattered and it basically made my night because I hadn't heard those words in a long, long time.

Many nights I was alone till 8, 9 or 10 pm. I'd go out to the store to pick up something and he would be there. After a brief conversation he had to run to a call, but handed me his card with his cell phone number.

I should have thrown it away. I should have recognized the danger. But I hung onto it and one, lonely night, I called.

It felt good to talk with someone. Our conversations didn't turn suggestive for a few months after. We started sending texts while he was at work and he started asking me for pictures in lingerie. I had no intention of having a physical relationship with him. I just enjoyed the attention. I believe he sensed this, and started pulling away. So to keep his "friendship" I started compromising, sending the pictures he wanted and even meeting up with him during and after work.

Although we never had sexual intercourse, we did have oral sex (a few times). He kept getting more and more distant so for all I know he could have had another girl or he was trying to work things out with his wife. I broke it off several times and he was always understanding, but before long I'd get a "friendly" text and things would go right back to where they were.

My husband trusted me. He NEVER checked the phone records. I didn't even know that local phone numbers were recorded for texts/calls. One night he checked them, and I had to tell him what happened. I tried to downplay it as much as I could. He kept pressing.

I ended the "relationship" immediately. I gave him my passwords to email, cut off my Facebook, and the pass code to my cell phone message manager. I began counseling, which he said he also wanted to do but that was two months ago and he still hasn't.

Needless to say this has been a hard time, a roller coaster really. Some days he seems happy, asking to do things together, initiating sex. Other days he just seems shut off from me. A couple of weeks ago he needed to get away and spent a week with friends. He keeps insisting that I do the same even though the last thing I want right now is to be away from home, and away from him.

Some days he is caring and affectionate, saying he understands why I did what I did and takes responsibility for his part. Other days he takes no responsibility and says there wasn't a thing he could have done to stop it. He'll say hurtful things like we don't communicate. When he is in a bad place and I try to talk, he cuts me off mid-sentence and gets defensive. There have been countless times I've had to ask him whether or not I can finish my sentence?

I'm trying to ride it out and accept his moods as due punishment for what I did. I shut off my other email accounts and opened a new one with both our names. Some days he just discounts the things I did by saying, "You could just be trying harder to hide it" or that submitting my passwords is a decoy.

I call/text him before and after work and always let him know where I'm going to be and when. But he still seems to get suspicious.

I've taken his rants and raves when he gets angry because I figure I deserve it. But for how long? I've lost 10 lbs from barely eating in the day. I didn't eat for two days when he was gone and was so seriously depressed I strongly considered taking some pills and going to sleep. Half the mornings I wake up I'm so nauseas I throw up, even though there is nothing to throw up. I cry a lot.

I know he is going through a hard time and I will never forget how hard he cried days after he found out. That was the worst sound I will ever hear.

The other thing is that he (understandably) wants this other guy to pay. He's contemplated going to see his wife and giving her a stack of phone records and emails. He has since backed off and just prayed about it, asking God to move him in one direction or the other.

I have a great counselor who's goal is to help me resolve the problems I have inside - forgiving the past hurts for good and not holding them over my husband, and to seek affirmation from God only, not other men.

I dumped a very toxic friend who I have known a year. He had always disliked her and thought she was a bad influence. I rarely write people off but I did this because I felt it was for the best. I promised him I would surround myself in good Christian female friends. I'm looking for a woman's bible study but because it's summer many of them don't start till the fall.

So given all that information, here are my questions:

1. How long does the up-and-down cycle typically last?
2. How long should I punish myself, allow my husband to punish me?
3. How do I prove to him that I really love him after this?

His moods really fluctuate. Before he left for the week he suggested we "go away" together when he gets back. A few days after he got back I asked if he thought about where to go and he told me he couldn't start thinking about this stuff before work or he'd be put in a bad place. It was just a question on a topic that he had brought up a week before?

Although the first 3-4 nights after he found out we slept seperately but we have been sleeping in the same bed since. We have been intimate at least once a week to once every 10 days which surprised me. I thought it would take longer. I have been open with him about everything.

When he went away, I repainted the den and reorganized it, as well as decorated our bedroom to give him something "new" to come back to. He liked it.

Is there anything else I can do? Thank you for reading my novel and thank you in advance for any helpful suggestions.

tweety, just a suggestion. That is a very long post and most people don't have that kind of time. We don't need one third of that much information to get it. Can you cut it back to about 3 to 4 paragraphs? You can safely cut out information about how you met, etc, because it is superfluous information. Thanks so much!

Welcome to Marriage Builders!

For those who don't have the time, skip to my questions:

1. How long does the up-and-down cycle typically last?
2. How long should I punish myself, allow my husband to punish me?
3. How do I prove to him that I really love him after this?

If you need more information, it's all on the post.

Did you have an affair? What do you mean by "punishment?"

I had an emotional affair that turned physical, although we did not get as far as sexual intercourse. I sold out my principals to keep a guy who was pretending to be my friend in my life.

Occasionally my husband unleashes his feelings of anger and disappointment in me, despite how days before he seemed more like himself, cheerful, and wanting to do things together. I take it because I feel I deserve it and he needs to vent. I hate myself and what I've done and there is not a day that goes by I can look at myself in the mirror.

It always ends up the same way. He will talk until I can't take it anymore and bawl my head off. Sunday night I actually packed a bag and was planning on spending the night in my office at work because I felt like I was repulsive to him.

Is this roller coaster thing normal? I used to breathe a sigh of relief that we were both trying to work through this especially when he'd appear like his old self again. But it was a mask, and he keeps getting hit by bad feelings.

As ML said that post was LONG so I skimmed it. So is this OM married and have you told his wife? If not, that is very important.

You need to get the book Surviving An Affair(SAA) and read it

It appears DDay (discovery or disclosure or Dooms - day) was about 2 months ago, did I read that right?


That's still pretty early on.


Have you maintained strict NO CONTACT with Bad-Cop?

You will find, as you read here and begin recovery, that telling the cops wife is actually required for YOUR recovery. Honesty to ALL your victims is important TO YOU. Besides, it's the right thing to do. She has the right to the truth about her life and marriage. Do NOT forewarn bad-cop. Do not contact him at all. He doesn't have the right to ONE CHANCE to come clean to his wife because if you forewarn him he will tell his wife about some crazy married woman that's been harassing him might contact her and not to believe you.

First off...have you read the basic concepts here and viewed some of the introductory videos. Your husband initially wanted to do counseling but apparently time is difficult to spare for him so I'm hoping for you BOTH that doing MB online might be a great alternative (it's better anyway...my wife and I both post here).


You asked about what you can do to restore love. Well meeting each others needs consistently over time helps. "over time" being the figurative words. In the meantime, while your husband works, if he can SEE your words posted here on these forums and your participation in the marriage it may add a level of security. Right now...he doesn't trust what you are THINKING. So putting your thoughts here..consistently over time could help (it would be better if he read, posted and participated too...but that's his call)

Mr. Wondering

You just answered my recent post. I asked is I should tell this cop's wife?

I've had zero contact since the night my husband found out and I called and ended it. My husband called this guy later and he wouldn't pick up. He left him a couple messages and sent a few texts. The next day this guy sent a text giving a half hearted apology and said he wouldn't contact me again. My husband responded that he better prepare his wife because she would be finding out to which he responded that he was taking that as a threat and any attempt to contact his family he would act on accordingly.

From what I know of their marriage, she was away a lot with friends. She is also much more attractive than her husband. He said they had "grown apart" yet he was terrified of her finding out. He invited me to their home a couple of times, which seems odd given the circumstances. I don't know if they have one of those marriages where they do what they please and are just better off not knowing what the other does or what?

Yes tell asap.

Minor Threadjack:

Excellent post Glove Oil.

I want you to know that I and many others appreciate your contributions here on MB.

Your wife's too.

Mr. Wondering

Ditto, Glove Oil. I printed your post for my WH to read.

Glove Oil, for some reason, I missed your post and just found it now.

Thank you for your advice. You are right about everything. I really appreciate all the time and thought you put into this.

I have/had no intention of rekindling the relationship with the other guy or looking for another and I'm sure he feels the same about me. The comment about his wife knowing so there would be an "extra set of eyes" on him made a lot of sense. I am not sure when it's going to be done and how, but you and other members have made it aparent that his wife knowing is essential.

I will get the book - I already have a few like it that I have been reading but I will order it after I send this off.

Thank you for your brutal honesty. I can now understand a little better what my husband is going through and how a lot of my words and explanations have "stunted" the rebuilding of our marriage. I feel he has been crying out for someone to see his side and comfort him when I've just been defending myself.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Now go and do the right thing. Do not fear repurcussion from the om (police pig) at all. If you have the saved texts or emails or phone numbers called/received and evidence, he can say whatever he will or threaten, but it was an affair. It is what it is/was.

Now his wife? She deserves to be able to make the right decisions for her life. She has been put into harms' way physically speaking (her health) from this man, and she cannot make the choices to protect herself or their kids from his wayward and destructive lifestyle and lies or not.

Only you can intervene in that and actually do some good. Will it feel bad? Yes, you will be owning up to THE UGLY TRUTH ABOUT AFFAIRS. But you will be doing the right thing for another woman, one whom you stole from and one whom you conspired with to betray.

Tweety,

My husband responded that he better prepare his wife because she would be finding out to which he responded that he was taking that as a threat and any attempt to contact his family he would act on accordingly.

Then you need to step up and apologize to OMW and explain what happened in no uncertain terms. You are doing his W a big favor.

He said they had "grown apart" yet he was terrified of her finding out. He invited me to their home a couple of times, which seems odd given the circumstances. I don't know if they have one of those marriages where they do what they please and are just better off not knowing what the other does or what?

Complete BS, I wish I had a buck for every time I heard an OM use that line.

The fact that you went to his home is all the more reason that you need to inform OMW, this is extremely disrespectful to his W.

Please do not say to your H that it was never intercourse only oral sex do not minimize it is insulting. From an STD standpoint sex is sex and you need to get tested.

God Bless
Gamma

Where do you think some of the HPV cases that are transmitted in the thousands each day come from.

And don't try to use the "former Presidential" defense as a way to NOT say that oral is not sf.

You really don't need to hammer it in, peachy. I came to this site knowing I did wrong and looking for advice on how to make things better with my husband.

Believe me, peachy there is no one who could say anything worse to me than I've been saying to myself.

As for what Peachy is saying that is correct, and HPV has been implicated for the rise in mouth, throat and various other oral cancers.

There is no longer such a thing as casual or safe sex.

God Bless
Gamma

In my line of work I see stuff like this often and it's sad. Figuring out what you're doing wrong IS why you're here right? YOu want to change right?

Well I am offering wisdom. You can take it, along with some truth or not.