When my husband found out about my affair with a city police officer he made a complaint to the supervisor that got passed on to Internal Affairs, as the majority of our interaction occured during work hours.

Since then he has prayed about it a lot and decided not to push it any further; however, it is still in the back of his mind that he should tell the cop's wife. He even asked me if I would consider telling her myself.

I talked to my pastor and he asked to consider whether my husband wanted this out of revenge, or to give his wife a heads up for her own benefit.

What are your opinions?

Tell her now. Today.

She works from home and if his schedule hasn't changed (his supervisor moved him to a different area and away from us)he is home for most of the day. If I set foot on their property he would most likely have me arrested to protect himself. Internal Affairs told me that what's happened is "known" indicating there was no need to tell his family although I think they were just trying to protect him. The guy who interviewed me knows and has worked with him. This guy has no doubt told his wife some sort of lying psycho is out to get him.

Your BH should tell the OMW. If you have evidence, make copies for your BH then give it to him to show the OMW.

Have BH to offer to leave contact info for her to ask him or you if she has any future questions.

Stay on one thread. Tell the mods.

Of course she has to be told and shame on your pastor for not telling you to do this. Whether or not your husband wants "revenge" is absolutely irrelevant. What is relevant is her right and need to know. I would find a way to get ahold of her and tell her. Your H should be the one to tell her. One way to get ahold of her might be to find her mother on Facebook and ask her to tell the OMW to call your husband.

Or your husband could simply call his house, disguising his # with *67 and just telling her when she answers the phone.

If you had embezzled money from this woman would we even be discussing whether or not to inform your victim?

P.s. True repentance means turning away from your sin. Covering up your crime and continuing the deceit IS NOT repentance.

I'm just curious why it's better for it to come from my husband rather than from me? He even suggested we go there together.

There has not been any continuing deceit. I have been an open book since my husband found out.

I don't know if they have a landline or if they just use cell phones. My husband was able to find out where they live, his wife's name, and where she works. I didn't even know where she worked or what her name is. All I knew was that she was able to go into work, take it home and work from there.

It should not come from a recovering wayward b/c of the proclivity of a wayward to minimize the effect and the truth of the horror that is the affair.

After all, look what you've been doing here. Giving us excuses as to why you aren't getting that poor woman informed right now.

YOU have no right to her knowing the truth or not. It is HER truth, she IS his wife. Her health has been possibly compromised as a result of her wh violating their marriage vows now. Her marriage in jeopardy and she KNOWS NOT of any of it.

And for some reason, you seem to know alot about this bw. YOu know she's attractive, and also believe the lies your xom told you about her. I'm betting also EVERY DARN THING he told you about her is a lie. I'd bet she has no idea he is unfaithful or that their marriage is in anything but a good place right now. For all you know he may be cheating to just get his rocks off. My xwh was like that.

Our marriage was actually good. It was not bad. We had sf regularly, were happy, and were trying again to be parents. It was laughable when the ow once told me that he told her we were "divorcing and hadn't had sf in almost 6 months".

A wayward man will say ANYTHING to get their rocks off sometimes.

We are referring to other victim of your deceptive behavior, the OMW.

Of course she needs to know.

It should come from HIM so that there is no chance of contact between you and the OM.


You are continuing to deceive your OTHER victim, though. She does not know what you have done to her.

That is a good start. He might want to try and reach her at work and make arrangements to meet with her and give her the evidence.

I talked to my husband when he got home from work. I told him I had received some good advice from this forum. He was/is skeptical of online forums because he thinks just anyone can give advice.

I apologized to him for being selfish, for not "owning" what I did, for minimizing it (one poster pointed out just because we didn't have intercourse it didn't make it any better) and for holding the past against him for so long. I took full responsibility and promised him I would never bring up all the things he did prior to my affair (minor betrayals, but no infidelity as far as I know).

I told him this board said it is very important to tell the OM's wife. At one point my husband wanted to tell her, but has since decided not to and he still feels that way.

He has mentioned a few times that maybe we should have some time apart. He left the state for about a week to stay with friends but when he came back he wasn't much better, only further behind in his work causing him to put in many late nights since he got back.

I've ordered a copy of Surviving an Affair for myself and for him.

Is time apart a good or bad thing? I don't want to do that - the week he was away I felt incredibly lost and depressed.

He has also mentioned that I should tell my family and not keep it from them. He wanted to tell the friends he stayed with but I pleaded with him not to, as they are my friends too and I knew it would change things.

Is it important for family to know?

I have had zero contact with the OM since DD 2.5 months ago. I've felt no desire to, either. Thanks in advance.

Time apart is a bad thing at this point. Good for you for ordering "Surviving An Affair". You might tell your husband that this isn't JUST a discussion board, but a group of people who have been in his shoes and that the board is owned and run by Dr. Williard Harley, who has helped saved 1000s of marriages. The people here all post mostly following his principles. We're not just a bunch of people putting together willy-nilly ideas, but rather we are focused on Dr. Harley's plans and methods. Heck, he can even get advice directly from Dr. Harley himself if he so chooses.

Best advice for you? Learn, listen, and follow the plans. You're the one here so you'll be doing most of the work. Hopefully your husband will see a huge change in you and come along beside you.

I don't understand why he won't tell OMW but wants your whole family to be told.

BH must tell the OMW. Get him to tell us he is tweety's BH post on his own.

Many people here that have walked this road before him. We can help him to avoid the potholes and bumps.

Only if you think honesty is important!

I really dont know where to start with this. You have persuaded your BH to do without the support and understanding of friends so that YOU dont have to face the consequences!

You are still in the dark, afraid of the light.

Things 'being different' is a consequence of your affair. They will not like it, no. But anyone truly repentant would not hide their mistakes, they would be honest and tell everyone they are trying to fix them.

Its like being a secret alcoholic.

Ultimately, the responsibility for telling her falls on you since you owe her the amends. Do you have someone else who can tell her?

I agree it is a good idea to tell your family. They can be a great support to you and your husband.

And lastly, spending any time apart is bad for your marriage.

Thank you for all your responses.

I did tell my husband that this forum was different from others. I think he needs to see it for himself.

With regards to his friends - I guess I should have said, I pleaded with him not to tell them but if he did, to please let me know because I wouldn't be able to face them, stay at their house, etc. with them knowing what I did.

Shortly after DD his a/c guy of all people who he's known for a while opened up about his failed marriage because his wife cheated. He did attempt to get her back and tried the Fireproof 40 day challenge but she did not want to get back together.

I just got back from my counselor. She hooked me up with a support group originally started by a recovering homosexual. Gradually it grew to cover everything from sex addictions to substance abuse. They start up in September.

She backed up what many of you are saying, and that is, if anyone deserves to know, its the OMW. My husband wanted me to really pray about that before I decide but I feel deep down that I should, and the advice I've been given aligns with how I feel. While her husband never badmouthed her, he said they had grown apart and she was never around - looking back I realize that was most likely a lie, as he didn't even want me to text or email him outside the hours he was working. So if she was so absent, why was he so paranoid?

I wouldn't even know what to say to her. I read a post earlier about an OW who sent an email to the BW and the other posters picked it apart. I am truly sorry and not looking to just make myself feel better. As many people have pointed out, this is about her safety. My husband has dropped the case with internal affairs so if nothing more is said it will likely blow over and in a few months he'll be onto another lonely woman.

My counselor also said that it is none of my family's business especially since my mom is unsafe and although she encourages me to confide in her, she will use whatever I tell her against me in the future. It happened the whole time I was growing up.

Finally, she said that 'time apart' contributed to me straying so any time apart now would not be helpful to our marriage. She said if we need anything, its marriage counseling.

I'm looking forward to getting the books and hope my husband is open to reading his copy.

Tweety, I don't think you should inform the OMW yourself but have someone do this on your behalf. This is part of making amends and is information that she is entitled to have.

As far as forums go, it is Dr. Harley's opinion that reigns supreme here, rather than personal opinions. When we post to newcomers, we are sharing MB concepts for the most part. If someone gives an opinion that differs with his, it is usually quickly corrected.