Neak, I was so lost for so long and I'm still trying to find my way back. H and I have both had a lot of practice at lying and deception. So much to that I don't trust my own perceptions or thought processes. Maybe that's part of why I've stayed. I don't feel like I'm trying to punish myself. I just don't know ANYTHING at this point. Whatever I do, I fear that it will prove to be the wrong thing. So it's simpler to just do nothing. Sorry for rambling.

All this and you have not divorced him? Unbelieveable!

I think you have not divorced OM/WH because you don't want to hear people say what did she expect from an affairriage.

Divorcing this OM/WH will be proof that you made a mistake not to just marry him but that your affair as well.

I think you need to stop punishing your self for having an affair breaking your BH, ruinning your kids life, forcing them to live all these years under the OM's roof. The man that attacked their dad and "knifed" him in the back the sneak.

You want to make amends then get yourself first out of a unhealthy marriage. This will start the healing and road to making amends.

That's actually a good thing. Your best perceptions and thought processes got you to where you are today.

What do you think it would take before you could view yourself as a former serial cheater?

Raindown,

Ready my siggie line and see. Affairages have a BAD BAD track record.

Fwiw, my xwh remarried within a day or so after our divorce was finalized his skank ho. she was pregnant in fact.

Within months he began cheating on her too. Within a year he admitted to ME that it was a complete mistake and that he wished he had me back. I turned him down as I don't date married men.

Shortly after that (you might read about this here online at MB), the ow wife (I call her the "wistress" for it is wife plus mistress) called me and was angry beyond belief. For she found in a secret hiding place below a loose board in the floor, a box and in it was a ziploc baggie and inside it was my simple gold wedding band along with my MB plan B letter I sent him which told him the way home...meaning how to end his affair and return to his family.

She said it was something she caught him re-reading and that since it was so well-hidden, he must have harbored lots of regret and that she told me that SHE was married to him now, and that I wasn't to touch HER husband! How f-ing ironic and evil is that? I told her to bite me and good luck with her life.

anyhow, the sig line says it all. The "soul mates" divorced earlier this year after several horrible and gut wrenching years together. Like you, she tried to make something beautiful out of an affair and it cannot happen. It's like having the foundation of your home built on either crap or quicksand. One is unstable and the other smells to high h#ll. But neither are appropriate foundations for a marriage.

You did horrible things to your kids and to your xh. You learned how to lie and deceive. And your wh (how does it feel now?) is doing it to you. It is like the old saying, "if they'll do it WITH you, they'll do it TO you". I guess old sayings come from years of wisdom huh?

All I can say is make something good of your life now. And that would be to end this horribly wrong marriage. It is not of God. It is born of mans' worst desires. I cannot say this will heal. I can't. I think too much damage has been done.

Put your kids FIRST for a change and do right by them now, as they deserve YOUR fidelity.

Btw, the "soul mates" also didn't want to hear from anybody how their marriage (um make that an AFFAIRAGE) was destined to be a failure or how it was born out of disgust and lies.

Maybe you said this to your xh. My xwh told me this very thing, "Peachy, you had best get used to Mrs. Family Values. She is my soul mate, my real life partner, and we will have so much more of a marriage than you or I ever had. we will be together for THE REST OF OUR LIVES and you'd best get used to it."

Yea right. Divorced 2011.

Me? Happily remarried to a wonderful HONEST man in 2010.

I've been trying to reply to each of your posts individually but I am terrible at navigating the replies.

I spent a couple of hours last night considering what each of you (TheRoad, Neak, Peachy) posted and writing down my thoughts which helped me focus and think through things instead of just sitting there "feeling bad".

I asked myself the questions that you posed, Neak: "What do you think it would take before you could view yourself as a former serial cheater?" Surprisingly, the answer came to me pretty quickly. I think it would take me actively facing the full consequences of my cheating. 100%

What I think I am seeing is that I am living a life of "ill-gotten gains". Like a banker robber who sure is sorry that he robbed that bank all those years ago but who is still living off the money.

I am still hiding from the consequences of my affairs. I had thought that by staying in this M is was facing the consequences but now I think I was wrong. I am really hiding, and pretending that I am in a respectible marriage. It's counterfeit. The whole thing.

My nature is/has been to:
#1 protect my own interests
#2 get what I want
#3 do what feels good

How do you make yourself do something that is to oppposite of just about everything you've ever done? A D is most certainly not going to feel good (see #3 above). I will lose what I want (see #2) - time with my young kids, my house, the "appearance" of everything. I will also be risking my own interests (#1 above) because my H is a formidable enemy. He's proven that to me before. Stating that I want a D will be like waving a red flag in front of a bull once he realizes that I'm not backing down like I have before. I'm just trying to be honest I'm not trying to say that ANY of this is valid reason to avoid these consequences.

So I need to do something that is against my entire fearful, selfish nature. How do you do that?

Hon, your "appearance" was blown when you cheated and became a skanky wayward breaking up your ORIGINAL marriage and family and breaking the hearts of your kids.

How do you do the right thing? GEEZ do you really need to ask that???

For starters, how about opening the Bible and reading the 10 Commandments and maybe each chapter one by one.

Yes, your wh (other man) IS your enemy because a cheating wayward who does not repent (and you're in the same category hon) is a THREAT to a marriage, any marriage and their own families and friends.

And giving up the "appearances"? The "things"?

My xwh's ow/wistress was so into those things too. Seems God had a way of curing her of her love of money and golddigging and OTHER PEOPLE'S THINGS, for that is what was stolen if your wh was married and you broke up that marriage and if your wh stole from your xh's marriage.

I liken unrepentant adulterers to THEIVES. They steal from others. From other people's husbands and wives, they steal money, they steal the affection of their spouse, they steal family assets, they steal the happiness of the children in the marriages they wreck, and they do so FOR THEIR OWN PERSONAL GAIN.

Romantic ain't it?

And I find it not at all out of the ordinary that your wh would be more vicious to you than maybe to his xw. Why? again, goes back to the foundation of an affairage. Like I said, it's either crap or quicksand. Or maybe both.

When my xwh began cheating on the wistress, he did so MORE boldly, with little to zero caring, and was 100 times worse than he was when I went thru my ordeal if you can believe it.

He ended up losing his dream job (he was quite wealthy) and she was a sahm to their kid from the affairage. She ended up losing the home, and in the divorce got ZERO assets. ZERO. And to think she, about 8 yrs ago, CONSPIRED with my then husband to rob me blind of my family assets and money and belongings and didn't blink an eye about it.

Is it ironic? I call it BIBLICAL JUSTICE. So question...HOW are you being a good parent with your kids (who endured pain of a broken home at your hand already once) being forced against their wills to live under the same roof as a man who is doing the same thing over and over to them again? HOW ARE YOU BEING A GOOD PARENT?

I'll try to reply to everything you wrote. If I miss something and you would like an answer, please repost. There is a ton to reply to.

You wrote: "I liken unrepentant adulterers to THEIVES. They steal from others. From other people's husbands and wives, they steal money, they steal the affection of their spouse, they steal family assets, they steal the happiness of the children in the marriages they wreck, and they do so FOR THEIR OWN PERSONAL GAIN." -That was the point of my post exactly.

My H hadn't been married for 5-6 years when we started seeing each other. But I was. And I've been told that H was just as vicious to his ex as he has been to me.

I know that what I wrote and I what I am feeling is selfish and ugly. But if I didn't admit to my selfishness and waywardness how could I hope to overcome them?

My kids don't live with us anymore. We just have the two little ones who are children of this marriage. I have a hard time even considering the affect of everything on them.

I'm sure your wh (other man) was vicious to his wife, as he enabled you to be VICIOUS to your betrayed xhusband.

Sorry to say this, but I'm glad your kids from that marriage do not live with you.

Can you SEE what you willingly gave up? And seriously, what DID you expect would be the outcome of such evil?

Like Dr. Phil says...WHAT WERE U THINKIN???