Husband left me in Dec 2010 for someone he met at a high school reunion, she lives 250 miles away. They had been e-mailing and talking on a cell phone he bought that I did not know about. He told me he was in love with someone else. I told him straight away to get out, I suppose out of anger, we had been together 33 years.

He left and came back several weeks later to get his belongings. He was living here and driving to her house every Thursday coming back on Sunday to work, his intention was to retire and move permanently.

I totally lost it, I started seeing a therapist as I thought I was having a breakdown and it was so much harder than I thought it would be. We did not have much of a marriage for the last 3 years, I pushed him aside and never did anythng with him or paid much attention to him, so this is my fault as well, I did not think I cared for him anymore. I did not hear from him for a month or so then one day he e-mailed me that he would be close to the house getting his hair cut and wanted to see our grandchrildren and wanted to meet and eat out. I told him he could come to the house and see them. He came over, and it was on.

I decided I wanted my husband back and that I would do whatever I needed to do to get him back. He would come over several times a week then started staying overnight but would always go to her on Thursday and come back to me on Sunday's. I did this for about 2 months and could not stand it anymore knowing your husband is going to someone else was very hard. I finally told him he had to decide.

He said he wanted to come back home. I made arrangements we drove down got his stuff and I thought he told her it was over. He continued to call her with the excuss he was worried about how she was. I told him after a few weeks he had to stop this and get rid of the phone. He let the phone lapse so I thought It was done.

Two weeks later I find out I have breast cancer. He has been with me through all of the test and surgery but now I am facing Chemo which I am terrified about. I found another phone he got about a month ago, I confronted him and told him he had to end this he said he would, he called her and gave me the phone. Two weeks later I find another phone, he said he just cannot go without talking to her, and I am sure they also e-mail. He says he loves me and wants to stay with me but he will not let her go. I have taken the advise of this forum trying to make our life as good as possible. I have not asked him anymore about it, I know he still has the phone as he carries it in his lunch box, I want to look to see how much he calls but it only hurts to see so I don't. My theripist says he will never end it because it hurts him too much and he is not going to do anything to cause himself pain the only thing that will end this is for another man to come into her life. Now she has held on for the last 5 monts, he must be telling her something to make her hang on or she is just desperate. He says she knows he is not coming back although he said he has not told her this.

I have given this all I have and now I am stressed to the max with this cancer treatment I am about to face. I wonder if he is just staying because he feels sorry for me. He has been fixing up his work shop and talks about doing things to it which makes me think he does want to stay but at this point I don't know what to do. I have been thru so much I don't want to just give up and let her win. Should I just wait her out, just how long can she hold on? I don't know what to do. Please advise what you think. I love him very much but this is killing me.

Oh Ann,

I am so, so sorry this is happening to you. It looks as if you have been reading information on the forum. Have you read the book, "Surviving an Affair?" If not, get it and read it as soon as possible.

The very first requirement to end an affair and recover the marriage is for the wayward spouse to never see or talk to the affair partner again. You have been in plan A a long time. Ask your husband to end the affair and write a no contact letter to the other woman. If he refuses, go into plan B.

Expose this sleazy affair far and wide. Tell family and friends just what your husband is doing.

You are right. This is killing you. Dr. Harley often speaks about the damage to women's health if they stay in plan A too long.

Please, please call the counseling center for individual advice.

Do you have adult children? Can they help you?

AM

Welcome to MB.

Have you exposed this affair to your adult children? What about OW's family?

Exposure has a way of killing affairs. Sure they get mad at first but that's just the first layer of the onion.

There is nothing your children will despise more than a hoor on a deathwatch. They are the lowest of OW. Once she is outed to your children (and adult grandchildren) your husband should, in fairly short order, realize logically that he can never be with OW (because everyone will hate the woman).

Further...exposing to HER family may help because hopefully they will intercede on HER behalf and knock some sense into her. Having an affair with a married man (whose wife has cancer) isn't a healthy thing for her to be doing (not that you care about her health but hopefully she's got family that may still care about this low life.

Another thought...MB is NOT about swallowing your pride and NOT saying anything. There is a carrot and their is the stick. It's time for some stick (including exposure). I understand this may be difficult to do while getting treatment for cancer.

I'm very sorry you find yourself in this position.

Mr. Wondering

What he said. Get exposing ASAP.

Ann45,

I am so sorry you have to deal with all this now, you should be concentrating on you now, make sure that comes first......My husband also had an affair while I was on a Chemo drug............unbelievable....

Listen to the above posters and let the natural process of exposure happen, he will be angry but so what you should be angry........
Let him understand what he has done to his family..........you are going to have to try to take care of yourself the best way you can, get rest, eat...........

Tell everyone involved, let that help you stop the affair, it will do the work so you don't have to........right away one full sweep with everyone that is important in this situation. kids, family OW's H and family.....work people, freinds.....parents, everyone .............
If he refuses to stop seeing her ask him to leave...................dont' worry about being alone, others will step up to the plate for you........
He needs and eye opener to pull his head out of his backside...........

Thank you all for your advice.

What does that mean? R you on board with the advice?

I know it's got to be scary to consider exposing and risk angering your husband when you need his support most of all (because you're dealing with cancer) but somethings just have to be done for your marriage to survive and there is no better time than the present.

You'll find the courage in the doing.

Do you need help with an exposure plan?

Mr. W