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[
It was recommended that I come here to help my marriage. I have been trying different things and it doesn't seem to be helping so thought I would give it a try. I guess it was a mistake because if it requires me to tell my husband, the answer is no.
. That's right. We won't help you lie to your husband and continue to trick him. That is not "helpful" to you, him, your children or your marriage. Your marriage will never improve as long as you continue to deceive your husband. A marriage whose foundation consists of deceit and adultery cannot be saved.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If your priest told you to remain a liar, and that God finds that acceptable, I will eat my hat.
I will have to go buy a hat to eat, but I am a dedicated kind of girl. I'd do it.
Let us know when you're ready to work and heal yourself and your marriage.
And no one here believes your dismissal of us as strangers on the Internet. You came looking for us. You need us. You know that you are on the wrong path. After my confession, the priest said that I need to fix my marriage first and then pray on whether or not to tell my husband.
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Do you want help or are you here to waste our time trying to defend your lying and adultery?
We will be glad to help you do the RIGHT THINGS but we won't help you do the WRONG THINGS.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Violette, I'm confused as to what you want.
--Do you want to fix your marriage, like your thread title suggests?
--Or do you want to divorce?
--Or, do you want to fake your marriage for 5 years while geting male attention on the side, & investing "hours" of your your time in (currently) non-sexual "friendship" [sounds like: possible emotional affair] with other men. In that scenario, exactly what role would you want your husband to play?
You can fix your marriage (I know; my wife & I recovered our marriage after my affair); but you can't do so on a foundation of underlying deceit. If that's your plan, it won't work, and it would be best to come out divorce your husband rather than subjecting him to a sham marriage where you keep your affections, and invest your time & attention, elsewhere.
If, on the other hand, you want to give another try at investing in your marriage, and investing your time & attention on the guy you married, it can work, but only if you're truthful about the obstacles you need to overcome.
So, other than wishful thinking, those are your options. The choice is yours, but you shouldn't delude yourself that you can find some middle ground that involves having a good marriage while maintaining a deception about who you are & who you've been. I tried the deception route for about 11 weeks, and when it was revealed & my head cleared, I was profoundly disgusted at what I had allowed myself to become. That stuff only works in movies. There are people who manage to sweep it under the rug for years, but I haven't heard from any such people who are proud of themselves after it all. Just a thought for you to consider.
Good luck.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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[quote=RidicSit]If your priest told you to remain a liar, and that God finds that acceptable, I will eat my hat.
I will have to go buy a hat to eat, but I am a dedicated kind of girl. I'd do it.
Let us know when you're ready to work and heal yourself and your marriage.
And no one here believes your dismissal of us as strangers on the Internet. You came looking for us. You need us. You know that you are on the wrong path. You are wasting our time with this hogwash. You know very well God does not condone lying.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Why would I lie about being tested? I haven't slept with someone since February. I was tested in March. I need to get retested in Sept. It is not that hard to get tested. Simple blood test.
I know what I did was wrong and I made a firm commitment to not repeat my sinful actions. I may be a liar and a cheat but I have repented. Another lie. In order to repent you have to stop lying. You have not stopped. Every day you don't tell your husband what you did to him is another lie added to the list. You continue to lie and decieve your husband to this very day. You are wasting our time with all this, Violette. Do you want help or not? I can not tell my husband. The marriage would be over and he would take the kids. He is not a forgiving person. I am just not ready to deal with the consequences of my actions. I am sure that makes me seem worse in your eyes but I just can't do it. So I will stop wasting your time.
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violette,
Please do some reading on this site and learn what it takes to have a great marriage, you right now need to look at your husband and your marriage differently, see what you can give instead of worrying what you will get out of it for now. Be the wife you want to be to your husband and believe me he will respond the way you need him to........
I agree relying on your male friend is crossing the boundaries of your marriage vows, nothing personal should ever be discussed with anyone other than your husband........you will be back into a physical affair in no time if you continue that relationship.......
It is inappropriate........You have a family and a husband who should all come first and they should all expect you to be respectful of the marriage and the family unit.
You are giving the friend what you should be giving your husband.......You make your husband believe everything is fine when it isn't that is not being open and honest.........
You are doing the bare minimum you have to so he thinks things are fine and then you go somewhere else for your needs.......
I would go to your husband and ask him to go to this site with you and start to work on the questionaires on meeting each other's emotional needs and putting together a plan for a great marriage where you can communicate and really be invested in each other...........
One person can start and the other will follow because they will feel the benefit of a great connection and want to work at keeping it in that place.
I agree that at some point you are going to have to come clean about the affairs, you can start with a clean slate and a new beginning......
You guys have been married for over 20 years and you have been fine for most of it, do the right thing and get your marriage back on track......
anything worth having is a bit of work, just think how much your life could change for the better.......everyone makes mistakes it's how we handle them that determines who we are.........open, honest, truthful, boundaries, love, respect and taking care of each other's needs and being there for each other that is what you want and that is what will make you happy, not a romp in the hay with some guy that doesn't mean as much as this life you have now.......
stay here, get the help you want.......
jessi
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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[
I can not tell my husband. The marriage would be over and he would take the kids. He is not a forgiving person. Yes, you can tell your husband. IT won't be easy, but it is the right thing to do if you are serious about repenting and saving your marriage. [if he chooses to stay married] If he wants to divorce you, that is his RIGHT. And you have no right to deny him that choice. If you know he would want to leave, you are even more cruel to try and selfishly trick him into staying married to you. What kind of a woman TRICKS her husband into staying married to her? A very manipulative, cruel one, that is who. Your H has a RIGHT to leave you if he chooses. But you are denying him the right to make that choice because you are selfish. That is about as bad as it gets. I am just not ready to deal with the consequences of my actions. I am sure that makes me seem worse in your eyes but I just can't do it. So I will stop wasting your time. Yes, you can do it. You are ruining your soul by hanging onto this deceit. This lie will keep you cut off from God.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So I will stop wasting your time. Thank you. Come back when you are serious.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Violette, I'm confused as to what you want.
--Do you want to fix your marriage, like your thread title suggests?
--Or do you want to divorce?
--Or, do you want to fake your marriage for 5 years while geting male attention on the side, & investing "hours" of your your time in (currently) non-sexual "friendship" [sounds like: possible emotional affair] with other men. In that scenario, exactly what role would you want your husband to play?
You can fix your marriage (I know; my wife & I recovered our marriage after my affair); but you can't do so on a foundation of underlying deceit. If that's your plan, it won't work, and it would be best to come out divorce your husband rather than subjecting him to a sham marriage where you keep your affections, and invest your time & attention, elsewhere.
If, on the other hand, you want to give another try at investing in your marriage, and investing your time & attention on the guy you married, it can work, but only if you're truthful about the obstcales you need to overcome.
So, other than wishful thinking, those are your options. The choice is yours, but you shouldn't delude yourself that you can find some middle ground that involves having a good marriage while maintaining a deception about who you are & who you've been. I tried the deception route for about 11 weeks, and when it was revealed & my head cleared, I was profoundly disgusted at what I had allowed myself to become. That stuff only works in movies. There are people who manage to sweep it under the rug for years, but I haven't heard from any such people who are proud of themselves after it all. Just a thought for you to consider.
Good luck. Ideally I would love to be happily married. I just don't seem to know how to fix things. I have been trying for months and have not made much progress. I want to want to be near my husband and to have some feelings for him. I don't even like being home anymore. It just really stinks. The whole 5 years is me just doubting that I can change things. Also, spending time with my sister and husband who have been happily married for 30 years. I want what they have. It just made me sad. The emotionally affair has been about dealing with all my baggage from the past and trying to understand why I screwed up so bad so I don't go down that road again. It would be better if I had a female friend for support but I don't have a close female friend that I can trust.
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So? Am I off the hook for hat eating?
:lol
Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
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violette,
Please do some reading on this site and learn what it takes to have a great marriage, you right now need to look at your husband and your marriage differently, see what you can give instead of worrying what you will get out of it for now. Be the wife you want to be to your husband and believe me he will respond the way you need him to........
I agree relying on your male friend is crossing the boundaries of your marriage vows, nothing personal should ever be discussed with anyone other than your husband........you will be back into a physical affair in no time if you continue that relationship.......
It is inappropriate........You have a family and a husband who should all come first and they should all expect you to be respectful of the marriage and the family unit.
You are giving the friend what you should be giving your husband.......You make your husband believe everything is fine when it isn't that is not being open and honest.........
You are doing the bare minimum you have to so he thinks things are fine and then you go somewhere else for your needs.......
I would go to your husband and ask him to go to this site with you and start to work on the questionaires on meeting each other's emotional needs and putting together a plan for a great marriage where you can communicate and really be invested in each other...........
One person can start and the other will follow because they will feel the benefit of a great connection and want to work at keeping it in that place.
I agree that at some point you are going to have to come clean about the affairs, you can start with a clean slate and a new beginning......
You guys have been married for over 20 years and you have been fine for most of it, do the right thing and get your marriage back on track......
anything worth having is a bit of work, just think how much your life could change for the better.......everyone makes mistakes it's how we handle them that determines who we are.........open, honest, truthful, boundaries, love, respect and taking care of each other's needs and being there for each other that is what you want and that is what will make you happy, not a romp in the hay with some guy that doesn't mean as much as this life you have now.......
stay here, get the help you want.......
jessi Thanks. I will read more on the website and think things over. I will check over the questionares. There is a lot more to our problems then were posted and I need time to think.
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Ideally I would love to be happily married. There is only one way to achieve that and it is very contingent on 2 things: honesty and your husbands willingness to stay in the marriage. You can't possibly ever be happily married as long as there is a lie between you. It creates a superficiality that prevents intimacy. Nothing you do can ever overcome the deceit. The whole 5 years is me just doubting that I can change things. Also, spending time with my sister and husband who have been happily married for 30 years. I want what they have. It just made me sad. You CAN have that, but you will never have it as long as you lie to your husband. Telling him the truth has to be the first step. It would also be therapeutic for you, because you can not recover personally as long as you do not repent.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So? Am I off the hook for hat eating?
:lol No - you need to eat the hat.
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Yeah. Gonna skip the hat. No priest serious about vows or understanding theology would advise deception.
Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
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And don't insult your husband by bringing him here and asking him to do questionaires. He will resent the trickery when he eventually finds out you tricked him.
He may decide to leave the marriage, after all, and that is his right.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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As you can see I rarely post but the priest's advice to you really got my blood boiling! I have been EXACTLY where you are except I am the betrayed. My WH thought it was good enough to go to confession (which should not be confused with repentance) and tell his priest all that he did. He was told to say a few Our Fathers and go home and live like usual. Almost THREE YEARS
later, I found out through the grapevine what really happened. I can only tell you this:
His silence and willingness to KEEP HIS SIN BETWEEN HIM
AND GOD is what DESTROYED our marriage.
You are believing a lie. If you want to do this God's way, open His word and He will tell you exactly what you need to do with this and I can guarantee it has NOTHING to do with keeping quiet. This will be the only way for you to grow...guaranteed!
That, along with the help you will receive here, will put your marriage on a clear path to healing
Last edited by lga3; 08/03/11 09:42 PM.
me: bw, 50
he: wh, 51
m: 1990
sep: 2007
dd: 18
ds: 14
dd: 11
multiple affairs: two with past gf's, one email dalliance.
Too many d-days to count. First one 2/06. After all this time, it's still my fault.
I've had enough. Divorce in progress.
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I can not tell my husband. The marriage would be over and he would take the kids. Yeah, that isn't going to work here. This is a wayward tactic that I have seen used on this forum MANY times in an effort to justify the continued lying. You are just trying to take the easy way out...the same way you did when you had your affairs. You don't know what he will do. You are guessing. People come here all the time, every day, trying to fix their M after they find out their spouse had an affair ~ people who swore they would leave if they were ever cheated on, myself included. Even if he does end up leaving you, you will have a chance to try to win him back and save the M. But not if you keep up with the lying & deception ~ that is the hardest part for a BS to get over...
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Your affair was one of the meanest things you could do to your BH, and your continued lying and covering it up is downright cruel. Do not KID yourself by saying you are not being mean.
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During that time I turned to sex for excitement and had sex with several different men. How many is "several"?
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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