Trying to teach your wife anything is a disrespectful judgement. Go and reread that chapter in Love Busters, DJs are the most insidious and hard to recognise of the love busters.

Good morning Rosy, I understand where you are coming from, however we are Christians, and this is biblically supported. Its very difficult to integrate both insights. Can you share more of what i can do at this time.

My wife is in the withdrawal state at this time, i am making love bank deposits but she is rejecting them.

Ruikee,

There are many people of faith on this site, my wife and I included, and I believe you can integrate every bit of it. It would appear to me that you lecture your wife and view your viewpoint as superior to hers. How can I tell, because I suffer from this same flaw.

Your wife is in withdrawal and you can't make her come out by teaching her anything. The advice I'm gonna give you is the same advice everyone gets on this forum, yet is the same piece of advice that everyone tries to ignore. You can't work on her, only you. You need to continue meeting her needs while not love busting your wife, even if she love busts you and doesn't meet your needs.

Start talking with your wife as much as she'll let you. Not about your marriage, but instead about everything else. Listen to the little things. If she mentioned she was working on a hobby of her that you have no interest in, ask her how it is going. What color did you decide on, etc. Her need for conversation means you need to be her #1 option, not her mom or dad, you and you alone have to be her favorite person to talk to. How do you learn how to talk to her? Reach this asap, then reread it, and start implementing it with every text, email, or phone conversation you have.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html

What is, exactly? You believe the Bible says that you are to be your wife's teacher?

Can you show me?

I'm not Christian so I won't assume to try to tell you how to live to your own personal interpretation of your faith, but I can help you with Marriage Builders information.

Thank you Rosy, tell me all you can, seems like my wife is in withdrawal state, not letting meet any needs except financial, and is not meeting any of mine of course.

Markos,
Teach obviously isnt the correct word, show you how i need to be loved? Doesnt matter, it is already done.
My wife is in withdrawal, and i would like to move forward if i can....

Thanks again.

Markos is a good person to learn from regarding withdrawal as am I. Both of our wives were in some pretty deep withdrawal which is hard to deal with. As I'm sure Markos would tell you your wife is like a snail right now. She is hiding in her shell. She comes out to take a peak every once in awhile and you keep poking her when she does. You need to do the opposite. You need to draw her out and then when you have the opportunity you need to meet her conversational needs like you never had before and avoid love busters entirely. Do this repeatedly and she'll come back. If you poke the snail she'll remain in the shell for longer and longer periods of time and at some point likely forever.

The best thing you can do at this point I think is work really hard on your side of the street, meet her needs and clean up all the love busters, including the disrespectful judgements.

Yes, we need to communicate to our spouses what we need from them, but we need to do it without taking the kind of attitude that we know better than them or that our needs are any more right or important than theirs. You are equals, and while the word "teach" is a bit of a buzzword for a DJ I wouldn't have reacted to it had you said that you needed to teach each other rather than it being one sided and only you needing to teach her.

Very good insight here, teach each other.....thank you so much.

Thank you so much, were you both successful? What are some ways to draw her out of her shell?

Well you need to keep the conversation going as a starting point. Whatever reason or excuse you have to speak with her you need to take. Kids, money, friends, and anything else you can think of is a good start. When discussing children you want to empathize with your wife. If one of the kids has been a pill and she expresses that to you, please don't take it as an opportunity to judge or disrespect her. Soooooo:

Wife: "Johnny got in trouble at school for talking too much."

Old You: "Well did you forget to remind him that he can't do that? Remember I told you what you should tell him before school each day."

New You: "Oh gosh honey, again? I'm so sorry you had to deal with that again. What did the teacher say? If you need me to back you up just say the words."

Obviously the above example may not apply to you but you get the point. You need to be there for her and see things through her eyes, not yours. Conversation is her most important EN and will be the fastest way to draw her out.

Lastly, come back here after your conversations with your wife and tell is verbatim some of the things you say. Disrespectful Judgements are sneaky and many times we don't know we are doing it. Can you do that?

Thank you so much, yes i can do that and will. I have been doing that alot lately, so she has went back to texting about a month ago, she says because its easier to deal with. I responded that my heart didnt feel right coparenting via text. She did not respond.

But i will continue and i appreciate the advice.

It is easier to deal with because more than likely you disrespect her verbally. As men, we tend to focus on the words we say, completely ignoring the tone and context of our comments. If your tone is condescending or superior then you are disrespecting her which is why she won't talk to you. You may feel like a fish out of water by switching to a very honest straight forward method of speaking to your wife, but if you don't I don't see you making any progress.

As far as her not responding, get used to being disappointed and don't take any of it personally. Focus on the job at hand which is to maximize every opportunity she gives you. She'll notice the change and appreciate it. How about this as a good thoughtful intro via text.

"Honey school is coming back and I know the kids will be needing supplies, pencils, paper, etc. Did the school give you a list of any kind? I'd be more than happy to go pick up the stuff and drop it off."

Give it a shot or something similar.

Thanks again, i think you may have misunderstood me. The intro you mentioned is the kind of things i have been saying with a pleasant tone etc. That is why she says it is easier. She said i am now beyond the man she has prayed for so long, and she doesnt know how to deal with it because she doesnt trust me from going back to bad behaviours. She is feeling she should end the relationship but everytime we talk, it is harder for her to do.

But that is another good suggestion.... Thank you once again....

Got it. Well it sounds like she was completely done but you are winning her back slowly. The good thing is you have the tools to do so. You sound level headed and open to suggestion so that is a good thing. Hang in there and come here often.

Thanks Hilltopper,
With that being said, what is my next step? I have really felt the lord telling me to spend more time with my son. Sunday at church confirmed with romans 15:15. I hate to bring man into this. I want to see him 50/50. I want to move forward with this, but not mess up any of the work i have accomplished so far.....

I think its all part of the same plan. Son comes with the Wife you know? The next step is conversation, conversation, conversation. Shoot her a text that is unrelated to the two of you. Ask her a question, a creative one. Make it something thoughtful, perhaps something that is important to her, but that in the past you've ignored. Make it open-ended. She may or may not answer but you can't control that. If she doesn't answer, so be it, don't let that stop you from doing what you need to do. How about you post here the question you are going to text her so we can brainstorm and make it perfect?

Well, i got into a nice texting conversation with her a few months ago about what book she was reading. it went on for a while then she back away and stopped the conversation. She reads alot. Right now she is in Nevada for a family reunion, i have had my 2 year old for almost 3 weeks now, what a blessing.

Maybe once she is back this weekend. "im really interested in your trip, what was the most exciting thing about it?"

Hilltopper,
Does that sound good?