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He needs some counseling.....NOW !

Maybe you BOTH need some counseling!....NOW!

As a survivor of a Family member who committed suicide.....you need to get him some help NOW.

Just do it......and then come back here for the next level of advice.

But BOTH of you need some professional intervention before the next step.

Today I insisted and booked him a appointment to see a doctor. Though he said he would appear pathetic, and pointless, he did attend. They gave him anti-anxiety medications but for his depression they said time will be his best cure. He has another appointment at the end of this week.
I think things are harder at the moment because we are living in separate cities, though I'm returning back to him this weekend and he's coming up permanently the week after up to here.
Counseling is something we have both considered, but since we are both students and not in full time work, it appears a impossible solution as we don't have the finance for it.
I tried to conceal that we are students in the fear that people may judge our relationship as petty, but I want everyone to be aware this relationship has been going on for 3 years and we are wholly serious about the relationship and fixing it. I do not consider it a petty childish relationship. We both want this to work

I agree with Bill, but you should also immediately call the prescribing physician and report to him/her that the medication is not adequately treating his depression and suicidal thoughts. If the physician works for a mental health clinic, there should be an emergency number to call for help.

In general, however, these feelings are fairly typical for someone who has been betrayed by his partner. Expect depression, tears, and misery from your partner and continue your comfort, reassurance, and words of love. If you haven't read SAA, please do so.

I know it's difficult for the wayward partner, who just wants to move on, but your partner is in a very different place, where the pain and grief of the affair are overwhelming him. Get him the professional help he needs and give him as much comfort and hope as you possibly can.

You're not physically in the same place? Uh oh. Your partner needs you there. Make this a priority. He needs someone with him at all times if he is truly feeling suicidal. If it's simply not possible for you to get there immediately, call his best friend, his sister, brother, mother, but someone needs to be with him.

Glad to hear professional help has been sought

Is it possible to get him to post on here? The support of others who have been through the same thing is amazing.

He definitely needs someone with him full time - can this be done?

In the UK there's a 24 hour emergency support phone line also for people feeling suicidal called the samaratans. Where are you located?

Unfortunately betrayal in this way from someone you trust is intensely debilitating. He will feel better with a plan for recovery, which he can get here if he wants to post his thoughts.

He has been on herbal medication which can be bought in any drug store. Only today has he been giving proper prescription drugs, though I don't know how long it'll take for them to work.
He has confiding in his best friends who have been helping his through it also, due to the new suicidal thoughts, I have also contacted his best friend to keep a eye on him because I worry about his safety. He is occasionally with friends, otherwise he is at home where there is always a member of his family there. However his family do not know about our current situation because he wishes them not to know. His friends are always available and we spend pretty much every available minute on the phone or skyping. He is always in the presence of someone else. I am looking forward to when we reunite, I do think it will make things easier to bear.
He has been so dedicated and sure that we would get through this and recently he's just doubtful. I can fully understand. He's scared that this pain he feels will never end and he couldn't stay with me if he had to feel like this for much longer.
For those that have been cheated on, and have created a successful relationship after with that person. How long did it take the pain to go away? Maybe not entirely but at least the mind searing pain that my boyfriend is going through? I know he would be comforted if he knew others were going through the same thing and were able to get past it. I'm curious for a time frame for the pain to go though. He says if the pain is going to last a year or so, he would rather not continue with the relationship. I hope to hear some guidance

Maybe I am reading this wrong but the way you say it was just a short purely physical affair implies that it was no big deal. You put your boyfriend's health at risk for STD's. In addition, the fact that it was "purely a physical affair" surely makes your boyfriend feel he was the cause because he could not satisfy you sexually so you went looking for somebody else to satisfy you sexually.

I think for many men they can understand even though painfully if someone falls in love with somebody else. The fact that you engaged in this for purely and only physical sexual satisfaction
has got to be devastating to him which probably results in him questioning his manhood, self-confidence and attractiveness to you. You have destroyed him to his core.

How would you feel if the roles were reversed and he told you he has a short physical affair with his lover behind your back, humiliating and disrespecting you and putting your health at risk for STD's as well and confessed to you months done the road? How do you think you would be feeling toward yourself and your own self confidence? I can only hope for your boyfriend's sake that you did not engage in sex with him after being with your lover.

I feel so sorry for him because it seems clear that he loved you very much and he is feeling totally worthless. He is now one of the walking wounded. He needs therapy right of way. People who talk about suicide mean it. Get him help quickly and stop marginalizing what you did by saying it was just a physical affair because on so many levels it may worse for him to hear this. I wish the both of you luck.

Seriously, SOME HERBAL DRUGS dispensed from a health food store ARE NOT DRUGS, although they can cause SEVERE mental health problems if they are given to those in mental distress.

Am a health care professional, and hon, this man needs to see a PSYCHIATRIST who can write the correct prescriptions. He needs ANTI DEPRESSION MEDICATION.

Stop with the herbal mumbo jumbo and see a real doctor. If he threatens any harm to himself call 911.

I hope this has opened your eyes to see HOW PAINFUL AND DEVASTATING THE AFFAIR WAS ON YOUR HUSBAND. It can take to their knees the strongest of men and women. And cheating is a very cowardly way to harm somebody.

Stand by his side as he struggles to get past WHAT YOU DID TO HIM. And maybe seek some MB counseling here at the MB counseling center to find how YOU CAN HELP HIM get thru this specifically and emotionally.

Some herbal medications can cause serious side effects too. They aren't scrutinized thru the FDA and I have seen patients come in almost psychotic on something they bought from a dude working the front desk at their neighborhood "health" food store.

Medication stops the bleeding......Counseling heals the wound.


Schools have Counselors.....You're in College?
Colleges have Counselors......investigate them ans USE the Counseling services!
Time is of the Essence!!!
Medication alone will not fix this!
You "want this to work"?......DO IT!

Some herbal medications can cause serious side effects too. They aren't scrutinized thru the FDA and I have seen patients come in almost psychotic on something they bought from a dude working the front desk at their neighborhood "health" food store.

Take him to see a REAL doctor, a psychiatrist who can help him now. And YOU stand by his side!

My guess is that he is taking St. Johns Wort. Government testing came out last year saying it was absolutely worthless.

Short affair can mean a ONS or went away for a weekend and you never left the room you were staying in.

Also what happened to you was 8 months ago is brand new to your BF.

Post affair time line:

It can take up to 6 months from Dday for your BF to process what has happened. During this this time the need to ask questions will continue slowly tapering off. However for the first month or two the need to ask and re-ask questions will happen close to a daily need.

After the first 6 months is the next 6 months. Where usually comes the anger phase. Sometines the anger phase doesn't happen on Dday because the BF is to rattled to do much then come to terms with your cheating. Anger phase can come right at the begining and never go away.

Now you are 1 year into recovery. You see recover did not start when you stopped doing the OM. Recovery started on Dday.

Now you have another 1 to 4 years of working at recovery. For at this point I will point out that recovery from an affair takes 2 to 5 years.

I would recommend you get your BF to come to MB for help. You should stay off each other's posts for the time being. Have him introduce us as your WF.

Bryanp, I'm sorry if it appears that I think my behaviour was acceptable or 'not a big deal'. By saying its physical I was merely describing the situation, I know it is of equal disgrace and wrong doing. Nor did it occur due to anything to do with my partner's inadequacies, and he is aware of the reasons I've done it, though obviously still unjustifiable.
I know very well what I have done, I've caused a lot of devastation. I know my partner is a wonderful person and didn't deserve it. I know he is in complete hell and I'm the cause of it. I am aware what I did was wrong, unjustifiable and by no means a light situation. I am devastated by what I've done and caused, I don't think of it lightly. I want this to work because I do love him, regardless of mistakes I have made and he still loves me and I want to rectify what I've done and be the person that he truly deserves, and I think I can be that person. So I'll do everything to make it right again.

peachyisback
He is off the herbal medication now as he got some prescribed medication from the doctors today. He has to see them in a week to see how the medications are doing and to see if he requires further medical or behavioural treatments. Even though we currently are not in the same place I am monitoring him and keeping constant contact throughout the day and have his closest friends monitoring him.
I am fully aware of the devastation I have caused. There is no way to describe the self hate, regret and disgust I feel upon myself and the pain of watching someone so wonderful going through anguish they don't deserve and due to my actions. I am trying very hard to make this work. Please don't think I am not aware of my actions and consequences and I'm taking everything I've done and my current actions to rectify it seriously.

I am pleased that you understand and you seem quite remorseful. It also sounds like your love your partner very very much. Why did you not discuss these issues before hand with him? You seem bright and articulate so you must have known that when you were engaging in this short affair that it would all end horribly for your partner. I guess I am asking what were you thinking and what gave yourself permission to engage in this behavior? I do hope you have both been checked for STD's. I know this sound harsh but it is what it is.

My brother committed suicide so I have done some research on this issue. Studies seems to indicate that very often when women talk about suicide it is indeed a cry for help. Conversely when men talk about suicide they are much more willing to complete the act than females are. I find it very disturbing that he is requesting your blessing for him to commit suicide. He needs to be evaluated and this is very very serious. I wish you luck.

My reasons for having affair are unjustifiable regardless. They were not planned affairs with little thought in them at the time and results of extremely drunken nights out. I know. The worst scenario really. I look back on that person and feel utter shame, and don't understand how I went from a loving person to a disgraceful monster. I find it hard to understand it myself and feel no sympathy for that person I was back then and am aware my boyfriend fell victim to something beyond his control and something he had no fault in. Though intoxicated each time, I believe the reasoning my be due to self dissatisfaction since being young, and being in my first ever relationship, I desired to explore. I know it was a childish reason and not one I feel comes with any justification and only with disgust. During this time I believe I grew distant from my boyfriend and didn't realise and fully appreciate what I had until it was too late. I could understand if you think 'well, that's not love' and I doubt myself back then too, but at the present moment and much dwelling in the past I do know I love him and need to make this right.
Samaritans I believe will be my next course of action. I want him to see his doctor again so that he can automatically set him up with couselling and behavioural therapy. I think a week is far too long to wait for his next appointment and I believe he either understated his symptoms to the doctor or the doctor just diagnosed him wrong. I told him I was going to make a emergency appointment for tomorrow straight away, and he said he'd refuse to go. I said I'd ring up suicide hotlines and he said he'd refuse to answer. He is convinced that no one will be able to help him and that I am the only person he will listen to. he says he won't do anything without my permission and so I've told him he's not allowed to harm himself or commit suicide so he's said he won't. However he begs, pleads and tries to guilt trip me into changing my mind. Saying if I cared for him at all, then I would allow him to.
I've been very firm that I won't change my mind and he thinks I'm being selfish and cruel. I tell him that I'll make this work, that the pain will subside in time and as we progress through the healing process. However he has decided that regardless of a happy outcome at the end, he can't go through the pain to get there. I obviously suggested if happiness would be without me. He says he can't leave me even if he can't go through with the pain of fixing our relationship and his only option is for me to allow him to kill himself.
Regardless what he says I won't allow him to do such a thing. Though I am also convinced he wouldn't do it without my permission. I'm not saying I'm not keeping a eye out and monitoring him, I'm aware there is still great risk and to be taken completely seriously.
Me and my boyfriend are not married because we are too young to consider getting married.

river,

mmm I doubt if you as a human are that concerned. More like relieving your guilt! Nice try!

Best to watch over this guy and make sure he is getting legitimate meds, since it does not seem there is anyone else looking after him, but shortly after that you need to get out of his life for His sake. I say this because it does not appear you are married.