I am really lost what to do about my situation. I am at a cross roads where on one end it makes perfect sent to keep trying and on the other end maybe it is time to let go.

I have been married for less than 10 years but been together with my wife for about 12. WE have had some rough points, cheating lack of trust on both sides, but we battled through those. I am not really sure if we really got through them.

We we progressed to the point where we would have conversations on how we felt about each other and what we needed out of the marriage. My wife would tell me that I was not emotional enough and that she needed more from me. I would tell my wife that I needed her to be more of a mate, a partner. I would change to be that person that she wanted me to be, more emotional, find ways to spend time, but those needs that I lacked were not fulfilled. I often didn't see myself as a priority with her. So my heart and my mind would shutdown and that is when she would tell me how I was not being emotional.

How can you tell if you are in love with someone or if you love them?

You've both had affairs? Is anyone cheating NOW? Any children?

I would start by picking up the books here, beginning with Surviving an Affair, then Love Busters, then His Needs, Her Needs, in that order. Use the whole program to heal from the infidelities, protect the marriage from future infidelity, and give each other what you need and avoid hurting each other.

I hope you were more specific than 'be more of a partner'. This is a very action-oriented program, and the books and corresponding worksheets can help you be more specific. "I would like for you to work alongside me in the yard. I would like for you to pick up my dry cleaning. I would like for you to talk to me about decisions before they are made." Stuff like that.

Don't worry right now about deciding if you love her or not. Work this program with her for a year, then revisit that question. Love busters and not meeting emotional needs will cause you to not be in love, but that can be remedied.

It doesn't sound to me like you are in love with each other. But that can be changed. Who had the affairs? Is there an ongoing affair now?

No, no affairs, those are about 3 years ago. We are now just in a state where, I know what it takes to make her happy, and I am willing to do it, but I am not convinced that she is willing to do the same.

Kinda too late for that now. She decided that she wanted to go to greener pastures. She left and took the kids with her. She is not interested in talking to me, and will not let me see the kids unless I go to her parents house. I do not trust any of them, so I rather not go and put myself in that situation. I have asked that we meet in a neutral place and she is unwilling.

She took the family car and her cell phone, bit of which I pay for. I have not been the controlling person and cut the phone off, because that is more than likely the only way that i can reach her or the kids. I have to call her to speak with the kids, and if ad when she does let them call, she feeds them what to say. I want to try and work something out where i can see the kids for the weekend and take them back to her, but she is not trying to hear that. I do not want to get the courst involved at this point, but I have no choice if I want to see my kids and not be dicated on her way.

You sound like a pushover. If you are in fact married, the courts will be involved. You will be 'dicated' by the 'courst', and being scared now will not work in your favor, which may be a good thing for your kids.

What do you mean by being a pushover. I am not trying to be a bully. I am not even sure at this point if I want a divorce, but I do know that i miss my kids.

I came here for advice, maybe the tough words, maybe needed, but also provide some advice with them as well. If I had all ofthe answers I would not be here.