Hi All,

Can anyone shed some light on the PA EN?

Here is some background leading up to my questions:

I call my WH's OW the porn star because that is what she acts and looks like. She is that club hopping, 30 year old, single Northern Virginia bimbo.

I cannot compete with her on the body front. I not only have had four babies, but also I breastfed all four.

I am 100% confident the OW's body is the strongest EN being met. I feel his addiction to this affair is based on two facts. This super hot porn star gives him admiration and she also looks good on his arm.

Most of my great friends are disgusted at me when I tell them I am trying to get my appearance sexy enough for my WH. Many believe that I should not change for him and that he should accept me for everything else I have to offer. They are pained by my wanting to be really skinny for him.

I know Dr. H discusses PA in HNHN and he has lots of negative feedback from women. My WH needs a good looking wife. I was that way when I was the wife of his youth, and I stupidly put on weight during graduate school and childbirth. It is the only thing I feel horribly guilty over concerning the failure of my marriage.

For men who have the PA as a strong EN, can seeing a super hot sexy woman dump lots of love into the bank? What does the PA EN do for a man?

I hope I can dump lots of love into the bank with the PA EN, even though I am in Plan B. If it isn't enough, then I can be sexy for the dating arena down the road.

Any advice on concerning the PA EN and how it might stop on affair? Can one EN be enough to bring up the love bank?

I know for Mimi's thread her husband felt she became super sexy for him. She ended up saving her marriage.

To have an attractive spouse is a valid emotional need. So get back in shape for WH and in health for you and the kids.

How has exposure gone?

Has OW family been exposed? OP parents not always but sometimes be helpful in ending an affair when they refuse to include the AP in family functions because of the OM showing his lack of character and morals.

I asked my H about your question, but this EN is not in his top 5. He didn't care when I was a little heavier. Yet, now that I am back to my best weight, he always comments on how he loves the way I look.

However, I am the one in our marriage who has a very high emotional need for Physical Attractiveness. It's in my top 5. I hated that my H had gained about 50 pounds after we married. I hated that his body jiggled. The fat around his middle made SF more challenging and the extra weight made him snore. I always dated men who were fit and reasonably attractive, because I simply wasn't attracted to overweight men.

I so strongly disliked my H's body that I did seriously consider having an affair last year, but I live such a conservative life that I didn't know anyone eligible for such tawdry duty and figured I'd have to use Craigslist. After thinking this option through, I decided it was a terrible idea and didn't go through with it. I told my H about it, and he finally began to work on losing some of the weight. He is now nearly down to his normal weight and looks so much better.

So the result? Yes, when I am with him and look at him, it does indeed deposit love units. I know he worked hard to get to this weight and is now making healthy eating and exercise his lifestyle. When I looked at him when he was overweight, it withdrew love units.

I fought with myself every which way for years over this, but the fact is that I will never be attracted to fat on my man's body and nothing he does can ever quite make up for that. I'm not considered a shallow person by the folks I know and I certainly hold no one else in my life to that standard, just the man I sleep with. It's very important to me and nothing has changed that in all these years.

So I suggest that if you truly believe this is one of your WH's EN, it's a really good idea to meet this need. Just go ahead and lose the weight. Your body will naturally wear the results of bearing and nursing 4 children. My daughter no longer has her same body but she is still slender. Her tummy skin just doesn't fit back into the same place. We accept these little foibles of life and aging. I don't expect my H to have a perfect body. But I desperately wanted him to have a reasonably fit body.

That is a freeloaders mentality that wrecks marriages. In a buyers marriages, a spouse does change to make his wife happy. If your husband had angry outbursts, would your friends be saying he "should not change" for you? Because if he didn't, you would fall out of love and pretty soon you would be divorced.

If one of your H's top needs is PA, I would make sure you are attractive. And who knows if that would atract him back. However, if you are in Plan B, how will he know?

Okay - 56kg by Thanksgiving here I come. It is very reasonable to accomplish this goal.

This affair has been exposed wide and far. To his entire family, to her entire family. To all friends, and all military commanders. Everyone is aware he abandoned his wife and four kids for her. At this point - he still doesn't care. He is addicted.

Thanks for the feedback. I am hoping if I am 56kg by Thanksgiving his friends will let him know. Kind of like a Plan A while in Plan B. Since PA is visual - I hope his friends will pass the message along.

PA is a big need for some men. As men we need to be attracted to our wife. My BIL married a 22 year old from overseas. At their wedding I saw many women from her country with old men. All of these gals were under 30 and the guys were between 40 and 60. I told him not to marry her but he did anyway. Funny what a man will overlook when he has a young thing.

Now as a man if I have a 100 million dollars I can probably get almost any woman I want. I can be as ugly as a fencepost it will not matter if I am that rich. Funny what women will overlook when I guy has that much money.

A guy I know a really cool guy is getting a divorce. His wife started having an affair with a guy that was loaded. This guy is not poor but he is not rich. His wife loves the money he has no chance so he is letting her go.

Your friends are wrong. If they are female I wonder what they would think about a man they are married to decided that they did not want to work anymore to support their family? The guy could say well you should accept me as I am. Do you suppose they might have a problem with a man that had this attitude?

I would just say if you lose the weight and improve your appearance it will help you. You will feel better about yourself. It is hard to compete with someone younger with the way you describe her. But do the best you can. If that is his big need it is probably your best hope.

Just work on a better more attractive you. It will help you regardless of what happens with your husband. Best of luck to you.

PA is important to most men. My WH also has PA as a top EN, although it doesn't have much to do with weight. See, I was average weight when we started dating. I gained a LOT of weight over our relationship and marriage. It actually cause my WH to become a man who liked BBW's. OW is also overweight. It's all the other things too, like hair colour and length, perfume, makeup, clothing, etc.

I would like to say that you should actually lose weight because you want to be the best you, and not focusing on what your WH would like, since you are in Plan B. Although, I do remember having these same feelings early into my Plan B as well.

I am losing weight because I WANT to, always have. I just got an extra kickstart after DDAY.

Oh, attraction. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, no?

Never liked "skinny chicks" myself. But, yes, strong romantic love will tailor a man's tastes (sometimes) to align with his DW.

That was a hard loss for me in this last year. When we went to Vegas in '09 I was deep enough in love that I don't remember seeing a single woman in the city that was attractive enough to draw so much as an extended glance.

No, not because I am super-husband.

After D-day... I've noticed too much, and it is just sad.

Oh well, time... Just give it time.

Hey, Tough,

I saw in your thread to Mehr that you plan on getting to your goal weight by Thanksgiving and then will break Plan B just long enough for your WH to see how great you look.

Well, on the first part--that's great. Lose the weight you want to lose, but do it for yourself. Do it because you are likely to feel really good about yourself. Do it because you can buy some really cute VS bras. Do it so you are ready for your WH should he become a FWH.

BUT please do not break Plan B to show him your new looks! Bad idea! Why?

Because your WH will hardly notice while he is still wayward. He is living his life right now in a completely warped, completely illogical mindset.

If ONLY it would work out that he would see you and then smack his forehead, saying something like, "My gosh, but my BW looks fabulous. And WOW, she is the mother to my four children. Best thing is to go back and beg for her forgiveness." But it's just not likely to happen that way, because while he is wayward, he can't see logic.

My FWH told me that while he was still wayward, he forgot that we were ever happy. He forgot his joy when I told him just a few months before that I would join him here on this remote island, leaving all I loved, other than him, behind. I was already at a good weight for myself, not overweight at all. The OW was a twice-divorced woman who was overweight. Her first husband had an affair and dumped her. Her second was an alcoholic.

Later, after the fog had cleared, because he was no longer in contact and had gone through withdrawal, he told me that one reason it was easy to come back to me was because I "was prettier." Geez. I had not changed the way I looked AT ALL. But now he could see me clearly.

He also said that he has absolutely no feelings left at all for OW. He said that when he got to thinking about the terrible pain he had caused, and she had undergone this pain when her first H dumped her for his OW, he thought was it "sh88tty" of her to do that to someone else for her own selfish gratification. He also took full responsibility, but he said he was selfish and foolish. She had GONE through it and still didn't care about doing it to someone else.

So look fabulous and feel great. But for your own sake, don't break your tight Plan B. I'm concerned you would set yourself up for disappointment, even though you may not admit even to yourself that you have some tiny hope he might notice.

51 I understand your concern for breaking Plan B. I will think about my options. I may be at Plan FU by Thanksgiving. FC is my strongest EN and his lack of being a father is draining it fast in Plan B.

I never had the option to Plan A because this nightmare happened by he was deployed. When he came back to the marriage at Christmas 2010 his strongest EN was PA - off the charts PA was #1.

Showing him I accomplished what he has wanted me to accomplish for eight years is my last ditch effort to show him I have changed. I am not going into it with any expectations from him.

I am losing this weight for me. I want to be a sexy hot mama as I go into my last five years of my 30's and head into my 40's. It is mine to conquer and since I have already lost 55 pounds, I feel empowered to go for the goal 56kg or 125 pounds.

I am already looking well, and am catching the eyes of men again. I am looking at my weightloss from two angles.

1) It is mine and I am healthy for me.
2) It is the greatest gift to my WH since it is his strongest EN.

It may not produce any fruit. Who knows - all I know is I have one more shot to show him I fixed the mistakes of my marriage, which was my weight gain.

ITA with 51. I also would like to add that this will set back YOUR recovery and that is the biggest harm that I am concerned with.

I know that when you have had some time in Plan B, you start to think about how you could have done a better Plan A. I know those doubts but you did the best that you could. And I want to let you in on something. Your WH won't come out of the fog or end the affair because of anything YOU do or don't do. He will need to do it all on his own. AFTER his A ends, he will most likely see what he has done, but he may not. Stop focusing on him and start focusing on yourself.

Also, be very careful with other men's attention. It is very easy for a BS to feel entitled and become wayward. You are actually at a greater risk of having a RA than either of you were pre-A. Please be careful. Those children need a mom who has her head screwed on straight since their father is lost in wayward-ville.

Dr. H does say PA and a woman's weight are big, important factors in attracting back a wayward H but I think even with the tightest plan B.....an accidental, occasional sighting happens. If you didn't move cross country, he'll get a gander at you anyway.
Just be gorgeous and healthy for you and if he sees and it is the deciding factor in him choosing to end his affair...okay. Then it was.

YK?