Well I have asked this question before, but I didn't give much details.

Wife and I are on the verge of separation after 3 kids and 11yrs marriage. What has put us in this position is ultimately the fact that I have decided that I can no longer put up with some of her behaviours.
Those behaviours include a gambling addiction, inappropriate relationship with coworker(boss), shopping addiction (when not gambling) etc....

Now, in her words, she has told recently that I am different. What she meant by this was that I am not allowing her to behave and treat me like garbage anymore. And as a result, she is considering leaving.

These are the things she has fully admitted to:
- she is extremely selfish (gets what she wants no matter what it takes and knows it)
- no empathy
- irresponsible with money, and irresponsible for her own actions and behaviour
- immature (her words)
- lack of self esteem/confidence (her words)
- attention seeker at the cost of anyone
- she will drop any friend instantly if they "wrong" her and she is proud of it.

She has flat out said that the selfishness, immaturity, stubborness etc... are all part of who she is and it has always gotten her what she wants.

I have said to her that she needs to decide whther she wants to be in amarriage with 3 kids and behave accordingly, or if she wants to be out on her own and have teh freedom to do whatever she wants and behave however she wants.
Her response was "why can't I have both".

I said "you can't have your cake and eat it too"

she responded "why not?"

She fully understands her behaviours are immature, but has absolutely no intention of seeking help or even considering change.
I have approached her with counselling as an option, and many other things that she just shoots down because she knows she doesnt want to change.

She has also stated that due to her personality she probably never shoudl have gotten married.

Note: she has been diagnosed with bipolar and OCD, and I truly beleive she is narcissistic.

So if she goes off on her own, is she actually going to live the life and enjoy it or is she going to relize what she is giving up and want to come back??

Seriously, all I wanted her to do was grow up.

I had printed off all the articles, questionnaires etc... from this site last week, she refuses to even look at them.

My 2 cents from what I've read:
You need to set your own boundaries as to what is and what is not acceptable for you in a marriage. Then it's up to you to enforce those boundaries.

I'll assume she was not like this when you married.
I'll assume your not ok with her having inappropriate relationship with another man.

I'll assume your not ok with gambling, shopping addiction you probably cannot afford


I'll assume your probably not ok with your children being raised in an environment like this.

I'll assume she's not willing to do anything about it.

The last one is your key phrase. Whether or not she is willing to do anything about it.

You can't change people. They have to want to change first and then only they can initiate change. This site will teach you about things to do to make your marriage happy and all. But honestly, you can deposit all you want into your marriage but if your spouse is engaging in inappropriate behaviors and unwilling to see any wrong in what she is doing then you really have only 2 options as far as I'm concerned. See if she may consider counseling. If not well.... I think you know your answer but i also know saying and doing are two different things.

Either way it takes 2 people to have a marriage

There are a lot of items in your "list" that I can relate to, langaan. But first I have to ask you, why are you posting this in the Divorced/Divorcing forum? Are you committed to going down that road, or are you hoping to recover your marriage?

Quite obviously, I can't really give you any advice based on a single post. But your description of your wife along with the line

just make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

In my own experience, and based on the research I did when my own supposedly "perfect" marriage fell apart, it's not unusual for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder to be mis-diagnosed as being Bipolar.

If your wife is truly bipolar, I think you'd pretty well know it without needing a diagnosis, for you would have noticed and been quite alarmed about the drastic mood swings and manic phases.

The chief difference between bipolar and BPD is that the former is caused by chemical imbalances in the brain and can be corrected through the use of medicine (it can take a while to arrive at the right "mix," however). BPD is a personality disorder, and its treatment is entirely behavioral.

Incidentally, narcissism is within the same psychological "cluster" as BPD. In fact, BPD is more prominent among women and narcissism among men (although the recent revelation by football player Brandon Marshall may bring new light to this subject).

If you have a clinical diagnosis of your wife, then I'd most certainly insist on her getting treatment. If not, maybe an examination might be warranted?

But again, I don't know what YOU want. If you're done with the marriage and just want out, then stick around. You have three children to consider, so it's not just a matter of you parting ways. You have some serious responsibility to look after...

You've had 5 d-days?

Her threatening to leave because you won't tolerate it anymore is a tactic to scare you back into submission. If you really want to save your marriage (which is entirely up to you; even personality-disordered people can be loved), I think your best bet is to smack some cold hard reality on her and go into a dark Plan B while preparing to D. Your kids are very young? What is your plan for them? My initial reaction is to protect them by keeping them with you in the home and putting her out, but I also see much value in letting her know she will be the primary custodian in the event of a divorce. Without a cuckold husband at home to keep the kids while she dates, the single life doesn't seem so enticing. It seems downright impossible and terribly expensive.

If she tries to come back soon, it will NOT be because she's suddenly "grown up." If your depiction is true, then she has a LOT of work to do on herself before she'll really be able to be a full partner in marriage. You've listed several addictions and potential personality disorders. Those psychopathologies took YEARS for her to grow and incorporate into who she is and how she interacts with the world. She probably does not know how to behave without them. That will take a lot of effort to fix. So if she comes back soon, it will be because being on her own is too hard.

Some people address their issues in early adulthood. Some people don't start addressing their issues until middle age. And some people never address their issues at all.

Thanks all, here's a bit of an update with another question:

I have continued with cousnelling, and have also seen a pschycologist. Both of which are suggesting that I stop all intimacy, take over all shopping etc... so there is no reason to give her money etc... and a few other things.

The reason they are suggesting this is because after 2 weeks of my wife blowing up every time I try to talk about the issues, I gave her a week to "think". She claims her pschyciatrist has told ehr she needs to "make some decisions" etc...

so it was a week lastnight, so I asked her "where are we at? have you made any of those decisions?"
She responded by saying that she thinks we have been doing ok, and that was it. rolled over and went to sleep.

So, she obviously thinks I am "getting over it" and doesn't realize that I was simply waiting for her to be ready to talk.

So when she realizes I am not giving her money for anything, not showing interest in sex, and plain out acting as just an aqauintance in the home, she will ask what is wrong...

I presume the best thing to do is politely and carefully tell her I am dis-engaging from those areas of the marriage until she is prepared to re-engage herself ? Is there a better way to put it?
Keep in mind, it must be absolutely clear (Im sure you understand Fred) or else she will twist it around and deflect.

and yes, if she still refuses, and still shows that she is not putting any effort into changing, then I will ask her to let me know when she is ready to discuss separation/custody plans.

OK, I see here a mistake that a lot of people make. Getting caught in the trap of "If I can only express myself in a way she will UNDERSTAND, then we can move forward." As if all conflicts in the past are failures in communication.

It does not matter how clear you are. Assume right now that whatever you say, she will twist it around and deflect. Accept that about her now and prepare for it. I'm serious. If this is her pattern, then she's not going to change just because you've discovered some magic formula for expressing yourself.

State the facts as plainly as you can. Assume she will choose to misconstrue and misrepresent them. Act as you have determined to act, regardless of how she reacts.