My story in a nutshell: I'm a recovering WW who had an A and is currently working on rebuilding my M. The problem is that I love two men and can't seem to move on.

My BH and I have been love busting for our entire M, and I've known OM for as long as I've known my BH and have always cared deeply for OM, but I want to have those feelings for my BH, not OM! Quite frankly, back then I would have married OM if BH hadn�t proposed first. Even though I have an OC with OM (no COM), we're keeping NC and everything is going smoothly there. My BH and I have been working on Dr. H's practical advice--quality time, eliminating love busters, investing in the love bank--but my BH keeps reverting back to former ways that busted our love. He's got a temper that could set a house on fire, and that's the biggest hindrance to recovery. Little things set him off�like a dirty dish in the sink or his fav shirt not being washed. The AOs are unbearable and mostly unprompted. We keep going through a cycle where the AOs stop, but sure enough they start up again, leaving me feeling like I�d be better off with OM. Dr. H�s program can only work if we both commit to it, but BH just isn�t invested like I need him to be.

I don�t want to feel this way, but I can�t force my BH to be happy. If he�s not happy, I�m not happy. And thus the cycle continues�

How can I eliminate OM from my thoughts if BH isn�t committed to building love? And what next step should I take in this situation to save my M?

Eliminating OM from your thoughts does not hinge on whether or not your husband is committed to building love.

It's NOT HIS FAULT you still think of OM.

As long as you allow yourself to romanticize about OM like this, your marriage will not recover.

How do you stop thinking about OM?

You stop.

So commit to it.

If it were that easy I would have already simply stopped. When things are good between me and BH it's easy to forget about OM, but when things aren't good that's what I need practical advice to help me keep focus.

And I can't force BH to commit to the program. I obviously don't want to threaten him to stop love busting "or else..." But a one-sided love doesn't work. What can I do to motivate him to eliminate love busters that will be more positive?

It is that simple. You are not an animal that must follow every thought and whim. You control you. You control your thoughts.

You do what you want to do.

Now, you may not WANT to stop thinking of OM, because you enjoy it so.

If you want to stop thinking of OM, refuse to think of him. An old lady at my church once said "You may not be able to keep the birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair." When a thought of OM crosses your mind, STOP thinking about him and get to work on your marriage.

Try reading this thread about memories and triggers:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2243454&page=1.

I see you were asking the same questions 10 months ago. You haven't made any progress on getting OM out of your mind because you haven't wanted to.

Be O&H with your H about the LBs. Tell him about how they make you feel and how you think your marrage cannot recover if he continues with the LBs. This would not be a threat, it would simply be the honest truth.

Prisca is right though. You can control your thoughts regardless of your H's LBs. Be strong.

Listen to your own words from January:

First off, you can tell your husband the truth. My H had angry outbursts too, and it took Dr Harley telling him to go to anger management classes to get him to stop. He stopped that day. Your H needs to be told that he is eroding your love bank.

That being said, your H's behavior has nothing to do with your feelings for this scumbag and it sounds like you are blaming your H for your feelings for this man.

Have you been in touch with the OM? Are you gawking at his facebook page? Emailing him? You are doing something to keep yourself triggered. What is it?

Agree with Mel, I bet there has been some type of contact.

Your attitude towards your BH was markedly different in March:

How do the child interactions happen?

Is there someone who is telling you things about OM? Do you still have mutual friends? Do you have any mementos?

Let us crack open the nutshell.

How old are you, BH, OM?
How long have you been married?
How has NC been going?

Thanks, hbd. The memory thread is a huge help. Basically in summary when tempted to think about OM I should think about BH, send BH a love txt, or plan something special for us two. I NEED to start building happy memories with BH, but it's hard when daily AOs ruin it.

Prisca, maybe you're right; maybe I don't want to stop. I like feeling loved, and memories of OM make me feel loved. That's why I so desperately want to build love back into M because I feel like that will fill the hole in my heart. But BH's anger issues are far from resolved. We've been working through these issues for 8 years, finally working through his physical and emotional abuse, but the daily AOs are still so hard on our M. I will work at things on my end though, since that's all I can do, right?

Thanks for your support.

Please answer this.

As for the other questions, there has been no contact, no facebook, no lurking from me at all. My BH handles all contact, and we have no mutual friends, so really it's all just in my head. But WHY is OM stuck there? NC has been since last fall, other than the court appearences this past spring, which were with BH and attnys present.

I am daily practicing those things I mentioned before--focusing on BH, sending luv txts, reading my Bible, etc.--but the persistent AOs have made me ask myself why I even bother. For example, I'll call him to tell BH I love him, but he'll blow me off and say grumpily that he's too busy to talk and hangs up on me. So my attempt at intimacy gets rejected, thus I feel rejected...then hurt and hopeless. I think that's what it boils down to. I want to fix myself, but if BH doesn't want to fix himself too, then I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. As if in autopilot, my thoughts then turn to OM.

BH has gone to counseling for YEARS (the anger has been a problem since before we got married 8 years ago), but counseling only seems to work for a couple weeks before it starts up again. What is my role in helping someone who struggles with anger on this level? Though, I know that thinking about OM won't solve the anger issues, so you're right that I need to quit--regardless of BHs anger.

P.S. We have yet to discover the root of the anger, despite counseling, which makes it hard to fix.

That is really scary, and odd, to see a WW, who is still so fogged out this far out, WH. How do you explain this? It is like you are still so drunk you can't see the affair for what it is: a roll in the pig pen with a pig.

The OM did not "love" you at all. He degraded and used you in the worst possible way. Any man who crawls into the pig pen with a married woman does not love her. If he loved you he wouldn't have treated you like an unpaid cheap wh*re. He spit in your face but you are in such a fog you can't see the green slime sliding down your face that everyone else sees.

Something is keeping you so fogged out that you are romanticizing a roll in the pig pen with a pig who cared nothing for you. What are you doing to keep fogged out? Are you still in touch with him?

What Marriage Builders books do you guys have? Do you have the workbook? Do you exchange worksheets each week to list love busters, like angry outbursts?

Don't use "All I can do is work on things at my end" as an excuse to not be open and honest about what the problem in the marriage is, for you.

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When my son was killed in a car accident, the first year anniversary was actually WORSE for me than when he died. I think it might be because I was in shock when he was killed. This might be the issue with your husband. What you did to him was much worse than the death of a child, so he will take much longer to recover. And he was triggered when he saw that scumbag in court, of course.

You wrecked this man's life, so give me a freaking break when you say he is "stuck." What you did to him was WORSE than rape, the death of a child or physical assault and you wonder why he is "stuck?" Get REAL.

Are you completely heartless? I wonder if sees the same shocking lack of empathy that we see here?

That being said, he should not be engaging in angry outbursts. You need to be honest with him about that. You have caused so much wreckage and damage in your marriage that I would strongly suggest you get PROFESSIONAL counseling from the Harleys. Like Dr H told you on the radio when you whined about being "controlled," your judgement is so poor that you need to be controlled.

You know, you are doing something classic that waywards in "the fog" do. You are rewriting history. At one point you were here posting about how great things were going; now you are saying that you can't ever stop thinking about the POSOM skirt-chaser.

You have probably done something that reminded you of the POSOM skirt-chaser, and then instead of following an extraordinary precaution to prevent that thought from taking over, you decided to enjoy the memories, and soon your addiction was full blown again and you were in the fog, and now you are rewriting history.

It sounds like you have written very great advice about what to do to eliminate these thoughts. You know what to do, you just haven't done it. Would you like to stay addicted forever, or would you like to do what you already know to do to stop the addiction? Would you like to recover, or not? Would you like to give your husband MORE reason to commit to the marriage, or LESS?