Well its a complicated story like everyone elses. 4 years ago i had a 6 month affair with a neighbor. It completely devistated my wife. The pain was umbearable for both of us. As soon as she found out i moved out of the house ceased all contact we moved and after a month tried to come together. She let me back in slowly at first. We needed each other, wanted each other. We each started counciling individually and together. We woked on things for three years. She believed at the time that i suffered from depression, which i resisted but have since found out, she may be right.
This brings us to the spring my depression and anxiety built with stress at work and i started to disconnect.(her words) I was not fun to be around at home. she said at that time she pulled the plug.
Then this spring in june, i went on a golf vaca with my father. When i was gone shecalled an old girlfriend that she had a 4.5 month relationship with in college 20 years ago. and a new relationship was founded out of no where. she said the the feelings all came back and that she then knew that what she had done 19 years ago was freak out instead of consciously say she didnt want theat. it took her a month until i found out she was deleting her text messages at which time she told me she wanted to explore her feelings, I reacted bacly and the next weed she went out and got another phone from another carrier so i could not monitor. She has been carryingThe woman is from across the countyr and has flown in fro a rendezvouz. My wife tells me there was nothing below the waist but tells the ow that she told me they had sex. The is going to az this weekend to see if this is what she wants. Ste is doing all te typical thing s telling me why it is all my fault and how fed up i am.. I in a way enocouraged it because i need to know if this is what she has wanted for the last 19 years. dont know what i am expecting but i love her ahd want her to choose me...i am afraid there may be too much damage already though. thanks for any imput

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She said she wants a physical aand emotional separation during the time when she is figuring what she wants to do, but she wants me to stay in the house. I have been able to crack to pw
and have seen a very open person when she talkes to the ow. open w her feelings and open sexually.
I think i have always felt a little concerned over her relationship w this ow. she never admitted that she had a 4.5 month relationship w her in college..but she has a hard time being honest sometimes

Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here.

Are you married? If so, how long? Any children?

Yes married 13.5 years
been together 19
two childern s13 d9

when confronted she wants to continue the affair right in front of me, almost right in front of my face. we made an agreement after my a that if i ever wanted out or to pursue something or someone sexually that we would be honest and tell the other person b4 anything happened. So she feels like she is in the right, and is justifying by saying that i am evil for what i did to her.... I cannot in good faith tell her that is not true but i dont think that this is what this is about

The kids are starting to be able to tell. Always texting always on the phone. She states to the ow that she is in love and has never felt this way b4. I know what that is all about i've been there and have tried to tell her....but she cant hear right now. she is angry with me and happy about a.
I have already determined that my marriage is what i want.....
My therapist says be careful how hard you fight you might find out if it takes that much fighting that its not what you want. I know in my heart she is my soulmate. and i am stung by the smugness and her lack of compassion.

she is in a selfish state. she wants what she wants and i am not allowed to question it

But like i say been there done that....you dont see anything but the fascade of i might be happy. and you convince yourself that you are not loved. How could they treat me this way if they loved me. you are sad and depressed.....at least i was

Lesbian revenge affair....

triple whammy.

You must expose and expose quickly if you hope to beat this thing. WW's are tough nuts to crack and an OW instead an OM makes it even harder. A lesbian OW is bound to care even less. Add in that this is a revenge affair wherein your wife FEELS 100% justified to go with this you've got an uphill battle.

You must fight that urge you are feeling to just let her try this relationship out. That is your latent guilt for having the affair many years ago peeking out (and your wife is TRYING to exploit). Instead you should be experienced at how awful being a wayward is and turn that into resolve to save your wife from such destruction. Your experience should make you mad and LESS confused about what the right thing to do is. You won't save your marriage and family with complicity. She won't "choose you" right now anyway as she's wayward and waywards don't choose anything until they are forced to choose.


You need an exposure plan and hopefully there's enough embarrassment over having a lesbian affair left in her that she quits this notion of reliving her youth and gets home to her family where she belongs.

Mr. W

p.s. - do NOT threaten exposure as that only weakens it's effectiveness. Also try to accumulate exposure targets on OW's side of the fence too....maybe her facebook friends...as you never know she may have a couple decent friends that will get on her about busting up a family and/or you make your wife not worth the trouble (it's already long distance so having to deal with what someday could be a hateful exh may just make your wife a hassle. Either way...it makes her accountable for her actions and the whole excitement of the illicit secret lesbian affair not so secret anymore.

Have already told a close group of my friends. i need support. as far as she is concerned she has told her parents who despise me for the first affair. and she told a friend who lives 1000mi away. I have secretly told some other of her friends so that they know that she is lying to them all the time. I know that is vindictive but i am hurt...
you are right that i know what it is all about and i am convinced to wait it out....concerned that there is no one to tell ow is single and have no clue about friends....could hire pi but no clue what they would find to help my case
I feel long distance will be tough to pull off but both ow and I have plenty of funds to keep it going for a long time

Told my closest cousin and have been in constant contact for support, tell everything that i have learned.
She called ww and talked to her the other day, my ww said nothing to her and then unloaded on me last night. That i was digging a bigger hole. Is it wrong for me to be willing to just sit and wait it out? The emotions are running high. I at this point am trying to be the best husband i can be. Cooking cleaning running errands......She said that i need to work on myself and that i cant or she cant do that if we are together?????I think that is just bs. Do i just sit and wait??
She said to me it wont last, yet tells ow that she thinks she is her soulmate....perplexed...but not really. got on some ad a couple of weeks ago and think they are helping to stabilize me....keep me more even keeled. She is going for 4 days to az this wkend to be w her...She said that it wasnt really sexual but i have learned through tx that is not true.....wtf is lesbian sex anyway touching waist up///// f..ed up questions that keep me up at night.

WW goes in spurts for las 3 wks....adamat about what she wants. Sleeps in d9 room then about every 4-5 days will crawl in bed w me and want to cuddle. she just wants me there for comfort.....
my mc says to not let that happen make her get every thing from the telephone. very unsure on what to do??

1. waiting it out isn't "a plan" and sends about the same message your affair years ago sent to her...you don't really care all that much and don't really cherish her. You need to work on your boundaries. I'm not saying go nuts on her but stating what you intend to do about it because you cherish her and won't share your wife isn't being "controlling" or manipulative. You control you.

2. "secret" exposure isn't effective...WW and OW need to know everyone knows for it to be effective at destroying the affair from the inside out. Affairs thrive on secrecy....don't you remember how quick yours ended once everyone knew. Your 13 and 9 year old are old enough to know.

3. Exposure, if done right, isn't "vindictive"

4. Your wife isn't a lesbian. She experimented in college and such sin is coming back to bite her (natural consequences of experimental behavior in college) and NOW she just wants to relive her youth just like any other typical wayward wife that has an affair with an ex-lover. If this had been a NEW woman in her life there may be more of a question about her sexuality (if you are one to buy into not being a choice) but that's not the case here. IMO, she's simply changing her beliefs temporarily to match her [short term - short sighted - destructive] feelings. People do it all the time. You did it to accommodate your affair and she did it in college and again now to justify experiment batting for the other team. I hope I'm right...because then exposure to your kids should make her feel ashamed and perhaps willing to do something about it.

Mr. Wondering

Here's a discussion regarding the often difficult to define term "boundaries" versus manipulation and control.

Boundaries vs. Manipulation/Control - An Open Discussion


Mr. Wondering

Thanks I will do my best to work on that.
She is not really willing to hear me at this time, I think she is in a hardcore fog......it is all about herself
I was wondering how plan a came into effect, isnt it that i should be doing everything in my power to make her feel like she is losing something impt????? maybe i just misunderstand

mc said just tell the kids you are going through a very tough time and are working through some stuff....so they no nothing...but the 9 yo picks up on everything the fact that her father is depressed the fact that her mother is on the phone all the time and has no tolerance for her children right now......

1. Plan A is a carrot AND a stick.

2. If children aren't told the truth about their lives then, self centered as they tend to be...end up thinking it's THEIR fault.

Thanks that is exactly what my daughter is thinking that her mom doesnt love her....which is far from true, she is just so preoccupied right now. I am trying to make up for her lack of patience. I am trying to balance a 1 legged stool

Not really waiting it out although i feel sometimes like i am. She gets so mad every time i do something that is different than what she has as an image. She is starting to open up about feelings but all are bad. I dont think i can take anything at face value, because she is so smitten. Just b4 I left to go back to work,(mind you she is leaving at 3am tomorrow to go see her lover) I was feeling dejected and told her it was hard for me to deal w this. She replied to me its hard for me too.....and i thought bs
How much should I give in to her fantasy.......I know it sounds crazy but its just started do i owe her some time???? she has thrown around the divorce word multiple times. but also i took off my wedding band the other day and asked her if she wanted it, and she said no

You have to expose this wide and far today! Sit down and tell the kids the honest truth. Call all your family, her family, all friends. Get on her facebook page and find OW's friends and expose it all.

You cannot sit back and wait. It has to be done today.

Expose may kill this affair today if you go wide and far.

When she talks divorce you tell her, "I only talk marriage."

Plan A your tail off and makes sure there are no Lovebusters.

Please Expose - You have nothing to lose.

When she lands in fantasy land tomorrow she will soon find out exposure has been done and everyone knows.