IMO this will not be enough. You and your BH desperately need an IM. Is there seriously no close friend or relative that your BH can trust?

Goodness. Reading your situation I can see why your H is one angry man full of AO and in a constant state of triggers. He�s living in a purgatory he77 over your actions.

There is a massive level of naivete on everyone�s part regarding your situation and I won�t sugarcoat what I think is the ultimate outcome here: divorce. I can�t see it any other way unless your H suddenly loses his ability to feel anything.

But the OC is a never ending trigger since it is your H who is caught in the middle with negotiating with OM regarding the child. This isn�t going to end. EVER. OM will forever be in your life until this child is older. I don�t like dealing with my ex, but I see her nearly weekly and have to interact with her constantly because we have 3 kids together. We go to parent teacher conferences together. We make decisions on the medical well being of the kids together. We coparent because that�s pretty much required. T

Your OC is an infant right now, so there is little to coordinate other than exchanges. But if the OM has any legal rights, then he will forever be present and triggering your H. This will trigger him forever and the level of interaction between you two will simply have to increase over time if OM has rights to this child.

I can�t imagine that he77. He has a cheating wife, a child that isn�t his, and is caught in the middle of you and OM in terms of dealing when this OM will see the kid that isn�t his.

You get off scott free in all of this while he�s stuck in the middle living a he77 that is unimaginable in addition to dealing with your withdrawals about how great OM would be instead of your BH whenever your H has a very human reaction to your betrayal.

I�m sorry that this won�t be the MB standard advice, but I see no outcome in your situation other than D as long as you have the OC in the picture with OM having rights to that child.

If he has parental rights in any way, then you will forever be dealing with him and the thought of NC is a complete fantasy that isn�t really possible. If NC is not possible, then recovery will be impossible.

If that is the case, then have some mercy on your BH, leave him with very generous divorce terms, and then co-parent with OM.

You�ve created a disastrous mess. OC is a victim and your BH is a victim and I see no other possible outcome unless OM has all parenting rights stripped away and is forbidden from seeing or dealing with OC.

You will not recover your marriage until the OM disappears completely from your life and complete NC is established. That is the ONLY way I see your marriage being saved.

I totally agree with the helpthelostdads.

I haven't posted on your thread before but have followed it.

I know this is against what other posters have said, but why are you giving so much head space to this?

You said a while back that BH was managing OK, that he wanted to get on with making you and him good, you want to get on with making you and him good.

you are doing so many things that are positive including bringing up a child with 2 dads which is tough for anyone.

So you think about the kids dad sometimes, not all of those thoughts are negative, maybe not a bad thing with a kid in the middle.

Maybe you need to focus on what you are doing........rather than what you are thinking.

what is it they say........feelings follow actions.

Just my 2p

huh? You are joking, right? Did you see this comment in the very first post on this thread?: "The problem is that I love two men and can't seem to move on."

Shouldn't divorce be a POJA? Certainly I want to fix everything with BH, but he chose to stay with me knowing the possible outcome: OM is stuck in OC's--and thus our--life. After all the court stuff, BH is also now legally responsible for OC--upon his chosing. BH wanted shared legal rights, so that tells me he's in it for the long haul. He could have sent me packing--with a nice settlement for himself--but didn't. I don't want to think so gloomily about our future, but am I being naive in thinking our M still has a fighting chance?

As for an IM, BH refused one. He wanted to handle everything, insisted on it. He seems to be coping well. BH and OM actually hang out together without me--which I hate--and talk regularly. While you are all convinced OM is a trigger for BH, I don't see the same thing when he acts like he likes OM and thinks he's a "cool guy." Why would BH say that if he hated OM? I think BH's "friendship" with OM is more a trigger for me than for BH! But Steve H could probably see deeper into this situation than I can to look into BH's head and heart and work through the healing process. I wish I could read BH's mind, but I can only go based on what he shows and tells me.

And I know I'm committing LBs--that's what this whole issue is about: my LBs in resorting to inappropriate thoughts during AOs. Certainly that has to hurt BH to know that I think those things; sometimes I wonder if I do it to make BH hate OM and put more distance between him and OM (since I tell BH when I do it). It drives me nuts that they get along so well. But I also don't want things to be worse for OC (though OC is secondary concern). So I'm trying to eliminate that particular LB right now--thinking of OM--since that's the one that is most devestating to BH.

Anyways, I don't think me or BH realized how BH's interactions with OM affected us, so maybe after he reads this tonight he'll consider an IM and some changes in handling interactions with OM.

I think you do need Steve H, that is totally bizarre that he likes the OM

Me and the OW have been very good friends for about 12 years. We have been through it all. Would I hang out with her if I was able to recover my marriage?

IMO your marriage has a chance IF you get an IM and stick with the IM process until OC can act as her own IM (age16).

BH and OM hang out together? Are you freaking kidding me?

There are more problems in your marriage than AOs I believe.

How in the HE77 could your BH think that OM is "cool?" WTH?

I want to throttle OW in my sitch. Heck, I want to throttle ALL WS/OP. They are DIRT. For your BH to actually have a "friendship" with OM just makes me CRINGE.

NC with OM should be for your BH as well as YOU.

And, when you get a D, are you going to have 2 men that will pay CS and have visits with the child?

Well, this may be my last visit to MB. BH read the posts and was PO'd at the responses, to say the least, and doesn't want me visiting after this... at least for now. He read into most of the responses as blanket judgment coming from a perpetual victim mentality; now he thinks MB preys on weakminded people like me, who tend to be easy targets. The divorce comments really put him over the edge.

While I feel I got a lot of sound advice to get my head in the right place--and I don't mind the bashing; I deserve it as a wayward--I came seeking help and heard what I needed to hear to get back on track. We were doing so good for a while, so I know I can get back to that place if we put some of the suggestions into place. I'm a work in progress, trying every day to be the best wife I can be. But I fail sometimes, and that's when I leaned on this forum to pull me out of those slumps. Other couselors couldn't help the same way the brutal honesty of MB could help me see things for what they were. What I didn't need, however, was people telling me I might as well divorce. There's a reason for this forum--to help get people THROUGH crises, not give up amidst a crisis. I was in a crisis and sought help, sought a reality-check (not sympathy), but I didn't want divorce advice. What's the name of this forum? Isn't it MARRIAGE Builders?

When I first found MB we actually did get advice from Dr. H to stay together and work through it, and I've followed NC but I don't think we realized that NC should also apply to BS. We're both still learning and growing, and every day I live on the grace of my hero of a husband.

Needless to say, I'm saddened that I have to sign off, since it's a been a good accountability buddy during the low points, but hopefully I'll be able to return someday.

Thanks for all the support, reality checks, and advice. I took every word of it to heart. I'll miss the accountability.

I feel sorry for you, and more sorry for your Child. The innocent child is going to be confused and will most likely have a very hard life. Sad.

I believe it was one poster that mentioned divorce. One out of many.

I am glad that when Markos got here over a year ago, and one poster mentioned divorced, he didn't get his panties in a wad and leave over it.

Good luck.

No not joking, I was thinking about the child in this and if his/her parents (all 3 of them) are to bring this child up, it's a good idea if they are all on board.

Sorry if that doesn't fit but sometimes one has to make the best of what you have been given.

If the OP is still in love with both men, and cake eating, then yes there is a real problem, but thats not what I read. She continues to have fond memories but does not act on them. Has no direct contact and avoids other contact.

A child brought up in an environment where parents co parent is going to be better adjusted than a child brought up in a war zone, or where they have no contact with a birth parent. This threesome are unfortunately tied together because of the child. what they need to do is find a way to make this work. Struck me that to a large extent her BH has.

Seems he at least is putting the child's best interests at the forefront. But I would agree that an IM may well be a good idea. I don't agree that a divorce would serve anyone well.

(Ducking already for the wave of 2x4's that will follow)

Well, my advice was based on the idea that OM was a trigger to your H. I had no clue they were buddies.

What this shows, in my opinion, is either denial on your H�s part, or a screw loose somewhere. Stockholm Syndrome comes to mind.

How in the he77 could he be friends with the man who f***ed his wife? What sort of sick mentality does it show?

Look, if you guys want to live in this dynamic, then so be it. He�s chosen to be buddies with his wife�s lover and be the intermediary between you guys on custody issues.

If that isn�t the most enabling BH I�ve ever seen on these boards then I don�t know what is. I�ve made jokes before to weak BH�s about how they enable affairs and are practically sitting by and allowing themselves to be disrespected while going and fetching towels and water for the two lovers to clean themselves off after having a sexcapade in his house.

Your H is doing nothing more than enabling a future affair. This child will give you and OM the reason you two need to reconnect.

Want to raise an OC? Then have your H take his legal rights. Have him declare the child a child of the marriage and have OM be stripped of all parental rights.

Otherwise, you simply invite a future affair. Disaster is the only recipe you and your H are brewing by keeping OM around and hanging out with him as buddies.

This is disgusting.

I think there may be another possibility. Your husband knows that him being friends with the OM is a trigger to you and that it hurts you very much. This may be the reason why he continues to do this. Your husband is passive aggressive and this is his way of him getting back at you for the hurt and pain you caused him. This is just a thought. Good luck.

That was a short leave of absense, as BH and I talked for several hours last night--and even pulled out our books and read some chapters together--and BH agreed to let me resume using the forum. God knows I need it.

A few things we discussed and agreed wholeheartedly on:

1. We're getting an IM. BH agreed that he's been putting OC first and doesn't want tension with OM, which is why he's been getting along so well with OM (a little too well, if you ask me). Contact has to stop if we're going to heal. BH also knows that I can never see OM again--even if that means missing OC's wedding or graduation someday. I'm willing to make those sacrifices to protect my M. OC is one day going to have her own life, but my M is what will continue on for the rest of our lives. I believe that if OC grows up in a loving home she'll be fine in the long run. We'll explain why it must be this way, and I'm sure things will work out. Besides, name one person on this earth who DOESN'T have some kind of issue. I can't protect OC from having issues, so I'm not going to leave a M just to futilely "protect" OC. Anyways, BH is going to quit all contact with OM and let an IM deal with him. I think we both need that change.

2. We are going to get Steve counseling to work through LBs. I know I can conquor my fog state, because I went for months without a single thought for OM (but that was before BH had "friendship" with OM). So the single factor that seems to be triggering all of the backsliding is BH's contact with OM. Case in point, since I first posted a couple days ago BH hasn't spoken to OM, and I've had no feelings at all about OM surface (thanks to the 2 x 4s Mel hit me with) and instead have been lavishing BH with attention and gifts and enjoying every second with BH. Obviously I am capable of fixing myself; I just need to DO IT. BH agrees that his AOs need to stop too, so we both have something to strive for and we're both dedicated to doing so with a little professional help getting us on the right track.

3. We are going to make sure to consistently do the worksheets, read the books together, and keep each other accountable for eliminating LBs while investing in the love bank. We have let that priority slip, but it's got to be #1.

Does that sound like a good plan of action? Anything I'm missing?

Sounds great Steve will really be able to help you.

It appears that they already tried this, went to court, and lost.

I give them credit for trying to make their marriage work in the most difficult of circumstances. It's certainly not going to be easy, but they are doing the right thing by getting an IM, counseling with Steve, and working on their relationship issues. They are committed to each other and can make this work IMO.

Your plan sounds spectacular. Don't you think you guys are both going to be a lot happier down the road when triggers have ceased, love bank withdrawals have stopped, and love bank deposits are being made?

One thing I don't see in your plan is the Policy of Undivided Attention. You need to start making massive love bank deposits, and the way to do this is 15 (really 25-30) hours every WEEK giving each other your UNDIVIDED ATTENTION (no children or electronic devices present, nothing that keeps you from talking to each other) meeting the four intimate emotional needs: conversation, affection, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment.

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BH and OM actually hang out together without me--which I hate--and talk regularly. While you are all convinced OM is a trigger for BH, I don't see the same thing when he acts like he likes OM and thinks he's a "cool guy."

I think your husband has issues well beyond the capability of you or any of us to solve. Strange isn't it that he would get upset that a stranger here mentioned divorce, much more upset than at his wife who betrayed him in the worst way possible and than at the "friend" who cuckolded him. Cool guy? Are you kidding?!!! C'mon, wanthealing, you can't see the slightest thing STRANGE about that?!!

Gets angry at little things but let's the big ones slide. Friends with his betrayer. Doesn't want to talk about/face/really come to terms with what is continuing to go on in his life and marriage. All, to me, point to a severe lack of self-esteem and sense of inadequacy. I don't like to play armchair psychiatrist and have actually called others on it, but it doesn't take a genius to see that your husband needs to see a shrink (NOT A COUNSELOR)because I'm sorry but his reactions and demeanor are just not the normal response of someone in his situation.

To be more upfront and honest, I am one of those people for whom it would be impossible to continue in a marriage where my first child came out of my wife's affair. I would have left you the day I found out. To stay would be incomprehensible. Perhaps if I was in a situation like Pops where I had a long history and already had my own children it would be different, but probably not. Most men would agree with me, which is why your husband's actions are very different than would be the norm, for what that's worth.