Yes. Get rid of the Saturday time request and simply alternate weekends. Don�t put your kids through exchanges. They suck and are easier to handle through the school system or the daycare.

50/50. No less.

help,

I agree: Exchanging the kids is painful. But them missing Mass on Saturday evenings or Sundays is worse. That's why I don't want to alternate weekends. Sorry. I like the idea. It's just that my kids need to be raised in the faith everyone in our families was raised in.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Still hopeful

I agree with you. If that is the case, then request that you be able to pick them up for mass on her weekends and bring them back when it ends.

Also, don�t underestimate the influence you have in this regard. I made it important in my house and the kids are all being raised Catholic despite the fact that I don�t have primary custody.

Or, alternatively, request 3 out of 4 weekends a month or 4 out of 5, like I have, while getting the entire summer where you alternate weekends with her.

There�s many ways to skin a cat.

We had our third mediation session this morning. We agreed tentatively to keep our schedule: I get the kids Thursday till Saturday, with the Saturday drop-off time alternating between 2 p.m. on one Saturday and 7 p.m. the next Saturday. We agreed to joint legal custody, but she gets the kids 4.5 days of the week while I get them 2.5 days.

I don't like the schedule. I want more time with our girls. But how likely is a judge in northern Virginia to give me more time, let alone another day of the week? My guess: the odds are not 75-25 in my favor. But I don't know. If any vets know about courts in northern Virginia, give me a holler. I will raise the funds for my legal expenses from friends and family members if I have a good shot of getting a 50-50 deal.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Hope is fading, but still there

help,

Thanks for your input. There are many ways to skin a cat. OW agreed to revisit a custody schedule after our girls make their First Communion. That's something.

I offered to WW getting the kids till 7 p.m. on Saturdays three of the four weeks a month in exchange for her getting more holiday time. She didn't budge. According to her attorney, she is unlikely to get less than our current schedule. (My attorney said that every other weekend was the minimum amount I would get).

I don't know what to believe. I outlined eight people to discuss my odds of a court giving me more time with our girls. I have two weeks till the next mediation.

... Something tells me the vets may not like my agreement. Fight for 50-50! WS's hate being dragged into court! I share those sentiments.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Hope is fading, but still there

I may change my mind. I may take my case to court. Instead of agreeing to continue the current arrangement, I may fight it. I talked with my family tonight, and they think WW is getting away with too much. If I could find a new lawyer to take my case and agree to certain terms, I am very likely to take it to court.

Going to court strikes me as the path many MB commenters advise I take. After WW filed for legal separation, Tom2010 wrote


After I wrote that I would not file for D, schoolbus wrote


LostHusband chimed in with this advice:



Sapphire Returns agreed with the vets:

I thought of the times during separation when my girls and I won. I stayed firm and strong. WW backed down, after much screaming and braying.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Hope is fading, but still there

I would fight for 50/50 at the minimum if I was you and keep OM away from the your kids 100% of the time. Many judges won't do this so you can fall back to no over night guests when WW has your kids.

TheRoad,

Thanks for your encouragement. I plan to fight for 50/50 for many reasons, not the least of which is religious.

Once my daughters receive their First Communion, they are obligated to go to Mass on Saturday night or Sunday. If I agree to the mediated settlement, I receive no guarantee that WW will let me take them to Mass. WW agrees only to revisit the agreement in a few years. This language isn't strong enough. Waywards make empty promises, right?

On a related note, I could raise money from friends and family members by making my court battle a religious issue.

I share your determination to keep the OM away from my kids. What practical steps do you advise?

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Hope is fading, but still there

MJ,

Virginia is a fault state where adultery is very much taken into account.

Look, if it�s a money thing then you can represent yourself. Her attorney will tell her all kinds of things and get her to hold firm on stuff, but the reality is that they need you to agree in order for mediation to work.

Your arrangement sucks. You want to raise the kids Catholic, so fight for that. Ask for what I suggested, which is Friday through Monday morning 3 weekends a month (4 out of 5 on months with 5 weekends) and then every other weekend in the summer with you having the kids all summer long.

It is reasonable if you don�t live really close.

Now, if you�re not far from her and it is easy for you to drive to VA and the kid�s school, then settle for no less than 50/50.

She has to argue that she should get primary. Remember that VA is a fault state and use that to your advantage!

Fight! You�re surrendering too much!

And don�t buy this �will revisit visitation after x amount of time�. That�s advice from her attorney. Once an order is signed then the burden is on you to prove that changing it is in the best interests of the children. I spent more fighting later than if I had just fought it up front. Why? Because there is no way she is going to willingly give up the fat check she�ll get in CS from you by surrendering more nights to you.

You�re being bamboozled and she�s playing the mom card very well.

Fight for 50/50 or the arrangement I suggested. I have that arrangement and it is fine for now. But I would have gotten 50/50 if I lived closer. The judge would have given it to me. I�m convinced I would get it today because my circumstances are very different than they were 3 years ago when I fought. I was just putting my life back together.

If you have a house, access to their school, and family nearby, then you have all the elements to get primary or at least 50/50. She wants you to agree to what she is suggesting because the CS will be HUGE under that arrangement. When it comes to calculating it, she will get 5 overnights to your two and will be considered as having physical custody. My CS was $3000 a month under what she is suggesting. It was killing me financially.

If fought for and got shared physical custody which cut my CS to $1900 a month, which is a sum I can live with (it includes costs of daycare in the formula).

You�re being setup. She�s playing the sly little game very well and you�re wavering and thinking about settling for scraps.

So she cheats, gets a new man, and gets you to pay for it all. Outstanding!

You have the ability to use adultery in VA. USE IT!

Get a second job for now if you need to, but get a lawyer! If you can�t, then fight it yourself in court! I know a man who got primary custody of his son by representing himself.

Those that fight, win. Those that don�t, get reamed through CS.

Yes - and in Virginia if the child care costs continue to rise she can come back and continuously get more from you. Material change in circumstances.

I get a huge amount from my WH in Virginia. I have four kids and it is a huge chunk from his salary. He doesn't have much to live off of and his OW is very expensive.

He is actually threatening for custody at the moment.

Stick to your guns. This state is awesome for adultery. Fight like there is no tomorrow.

CS will bring my WH home. There isn't a woman out there that wants to support a man with four kids that will always hate her because she isn't their mom.

CS may bring your WW home if you play your cards correct. Hit it where it hurts her the most. Trying to live in NOVA is tough stuff. Partying on a Friday night is what $100-$200 minimum. It is very expensive to live and make it with children if you don't have the funds.

Fight for everything - you have nothing to lose!!!

Help and It,

Thanks for the encouragement. I talked with a possible new attorney today. While she has not agreed yet to take my case, she encouraged me to get a 50-50 split. She also agreed that WW would likely realize after the D that the OM is a scum bag and drop him.

Naturally, I thought of analogies to my situation: A man fighting the good fight; battling enemies; holding on for dear life, getting dirt and rocks in his face; and hoping to climb back into the saddle and restore order. Then, I thought of the famous truck chase scene from "Raiders of the Lost Ark." The best part begins at the 3 minute, 30 second mark: What do you think?

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Hope is fading, but still there

Come up with the funds and hire her.

Don't go into this engagement with hope. Hope will encourage you to compromise and be nice.

Understand that holding the line and fighting is all that you have on the table.

Don't misunderstand fighting and confuse it with actual nastiness. You don't have to be nasty at all to win.

She makes an offer. You say, "No thanks."

She makes accusations. You politely deny.

You go to court and simply ask the judge to grant you 50/50 and show how you can live it and implement it.

That simple.

help,

I agree with you about the tactic and strategy. Hire the attorney and fight to show that I am a good father.

This attorney has not yet agreed to take my case. I sent her my interrogatory last night and gave her a check for our consultation the other day. Can you think of another way or two to entice her?

As a side note, I think rationalization rather than hope encourages a BS to compromise and be nice. My WS will return eventually, the BS thinks, therefore I will give in to his or demands. This is folly. Rationalization, one might say, is the fool's gold of thought.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Hope is fading, but still there

MJ,

I'd give it a few more days and then see. These cases consume us, the client, while the lawyers juggle a few others at a time. I learned to simply let things be with my lawyer and that she'd respond when she had the chance.

I talked with DD4 last night. According to her, last weekend the OM came over to see WW and our daughters. WW kissed the OM on the cheek as he left.

I'm ticked. This is getting old. What's the best strategy to protest my WW's continual exposure of the OM to our girls? Sending emails to their work accounts? To their FB accounts or personal emails?

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Hope is fading, but still there

MJ,

You live in a state that takes adultery into account. Ask the lawyer, but file a motion that the paramour is not to be around your children.

If it can�t be done, then this is one of those things that you�ll have to suck up. It stinks. I know. Believe me, I know. I was desperate about the fact that my wxw moved her boyfriend in with her and her him over when the kids were around, but there was nothing I could do about it.

But VA may have laws that will grant this.

You NEED to take advantage of the laws in VA.

Hire a PI and get the dirt on him!

Also - you can try the RO route. If your daughters are showing emotional distress around him, then you RO his butt based on the intentional infliction of emotional distress to the kids.

VA has great laws with the paramour, so use them. This is a great state to use all that against WW.

A brief update: Now WW wants to discuss actual terms. She complains and frets about the cost of going to trial. The expense of a trial, she writes, estimating the cost at $20k for each of us, might sink our family's bank account and ours. I'm sticking to my guns about 50-50 physical custody.

Is she worried about the costs of going to a trial and not getting a settlement favorable to her?

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Hope is fading, but still there

It looks like both to me.

Both.

My response would be this:

This path was not my choice. I will only settle if you offer 50/50 custody.

Otherwise, we move forward with the divorce where I will request primary custody and submit your adultery as a factor in the demise of our marriage.

Alternatively, there is always reconciliation and restoring our marriage once you end your affair.