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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 8
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 8 |
Hi all looking here to get advice on helping to heal a marriage I destroyed
by having an affair 4 years ago. My husband and I are still together, although
It feels like we are just going through the motions.
After leaking out the info slowly (totally horrible!) and being on the edge for a good year(I hated myself and was taking it out on everyone)
I realized I could not go on like this. I loved my husband and he deserved to have a better person beside him. I hardly recognized myself.
I was a selfish hurtful wife. I've had to lift myself up from the mire and
be the best mom I could be (I'd already been the worst right?)
Since 07 I've been very aloof with any other men. I've taken extraordinary precautions
Not to ever be alone with any man or to let anybody else meet any needs I have.
My husband has all my passwords, access to my schedule, if I am going to be late or change my schedule he is the first to know.
I do this not because I'm afraid of having another affair ( although if I never get close to a man it cant happen) rather I do this so my husband will feel safe and have been doing this for over 3 years.
My husband still lives in the moment of the affair. I feel heartbroken that my affection, belief in him, my ministering to his sexual needs(mostly), trying to make him feel safe with me has not seemed to help him. He suffers from PTSD which I think he needs professional help for. We have no insurance and are in financial ruin which I helped because of my affair. Our house burned down last year leaving us with nothing but our lives. (I'm grateful we all got out) it's just stuff anyway.
We've had so much stress besides the affair that I constantly feel like my stomach is in knots.
I would love for my husband to talk with me after work or have a drink with me while i cook dinner or just give me a hug. If this makes me selfish than I guess I'm selfish because I want my husbands affection. I understand not wanting to be around someone who hurt him so badly, I've told my self over and over that my needs don't matter that he needs time....
I would just really like to talk with others who can help...
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 8
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 8 |
I feel so horrible about what I've done that some days I don't even want to look at myself.
I know DH feel that I just don't get it, but I try I really do. I try to put myself in his place I have posted with spouses that have been betrayed, I've read over and over articles not only about infidelity, but also about PTSD
Maybe I just can't quite fully understand short of it happening to me. I don't know. I've read most of DR Harleys books among others.
I'm really trying to see.
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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888 |
Hi Inknots, welcome to Marriage Builders. It sounds like you've read some of the concepts by the "lingo" you're using. Has your husband? Would he be willing to come here, create his own identity and start his own thread? Would you be willing to stay off it if he did? There is a lot of good help here. Perhaps you can get your husband to listen to some of the radio show. Click here for the program archive. Maybe you can write to Dr. Harley and be on the show yourself. The key is that recovery must be done by BOTH parties, and they must be dedicated to it. That you've stayed together is a good sign that he hasn't given up on the marriage, but it seems like he needs a path to recovery. You can show him a path by suggesting he get involved here.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 8
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Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2011
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We've been on marriage builders before and we've both been through coaching
With SH. We coached until we just didn't have any money for it anymore. I wished we could have had more time with him. I've always felt better when we were taking with a counsellor, post affair.
After the fire we relocated to a different state and found a great counsellor through my husbands insurance, but his insurance ran out when he had to get another job so it's been so frustrating, because I really sense that long term counseling would really help, not that it would fix everything, but its a great tool.
I'm not sure if my husband would give MB another try, not that he doesnt like it, I just think he's really depressed.
About going on his posts honestly I would rather stay off as I'm sure he has
Much hurt to get out.
There are days that I feel he just doesn't want me anymore:(
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Since 07 I've been very aloof with any other men. I've taken extraordinary precautions
Not to ever be alone with any man or to let anybody else meet any needs I have.
My husband has all my passwords, access to my schedule, if I am going to be late or change my schedule he is the first to know.
I do this not because I'm afraid of having another affair ( although if I never get close to a man it cant happen) rather I do this so my husband will feel safe and have been doing this for over 3 years. The reason he says you don't get it is because you have never taken accountibility for affair proofing your marriage. As you say, you are NOT afraid of having another affair and only follow extraordinary precautions FOR HIM. That makes you dangerous.  You are the chicken player who got hit playing chicken and only stays out of the road to make someone else happy and then wonders why people don't trust your judgement. Extraordinary precautions are something you have to OWN in order to protect your H from a repeat and to protect your marriage. It was the lack of EPs that led to your affair in the past, so why wouldn't you embrace them? Your attitude here tells me you have not learned from your mistakes. And how long did you trickle truth him? The lies told after D-Day are usually much worse than the initial D-Day. So how long did you torment him? Have you ended ALL contact with the OM? Do you EVER see him? Is he married, and if so, does his wife know?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2011
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I guess I've always looked at it like if I never allow anyone to meet my needs I won't have another affair. I'm not afraid of having another affair if I follow all my extraordinary precautions. I do it also so he will feel safe.
I'm not sure how I'm not owning them. Please help me in that.
I did tell lies after exposing the affair and that was harmful indeed. As for how
long the trickle? Months maybe even a year.
There are times he asks for more detail When we talk about the affair.
This happened a month ago and I got frustrated and started to cry ( I know it was wrong to get frustrated) I dont think there are anymore details in me. it's at a point that he'll tell me I did something during the affair that I dont remember
at all and I feel like I'm losing my mind.
As for contact with OM I've not made contact since end of 07. Period. I hand delivered a letter to his wife after telling my husband about the affair.
I don't know what happened on his end. Hopefully she confronted him.
I harbor no feelings of regret for cutting things off. I don't miss OM or even think
about him in any good way. I only feel disgusted about the whole thing.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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I guess I've always looked at it like if I never allow anyone to meet my needs I won't have another affair. I'm not afraid of having another affair if I follow all my extraordinary precautions. I do it also so he will feel safe.
I'm not sure how I'm not owning them. Please help me in that. When you say you do all those things "not because I'm afraid of having another affair" but only to make your H feel safe, it sounds like you don't own it. You should be very afraid of having another affair. Being afraid means you understand the risks and that you take extraordinary precautions to avoid a repeat. Did you mean this another way? I would expect to hear from you that you ARE afraid you will have another affair, THEREFORE, you do all those things to make you, your husband and your marriage safe. See what I mean? Secondly, if your H has all the truth he needs to stop bringing up the affair. He needs to knock it off. Once you given him all the facts, it is done. Continually bringing it up will destroy your marriage. Go check out this article: here And lastly, it doesn't sound like you and your H have a plan for recovery? Not having a plan for recovery results in a very crippled marriage. Here is what it will take. [and do you have the book Surviving an Affair?] The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 8
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 8 |
I think I see what you mean about the EP's and being afraid of having another affair. I really really hated what I became during my affair and it took me at least a year after to stop taking it out on everyone.
I don't ever want to be that person again. I've been extremely cautious around men. I know I'm vulnerable. I feel really lonely for companionship and I'll be $&$@ if I'm going to get that from anyone other than my DH.
I want it from him and I'm sure he's tired of me asking for him to hold me or
Talk with me or whatever.
Maybe that is why I keep such distance from men. Maybe I am afraid.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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I think I see what you mean about the EP's and being afraid of having another affair. I really really hated what I became during my affair and it took me at least a year after to stop taking it out on everyone.
I don't ever want to be that person again. I've been extremely cautious around men. I know I'm vulnerable. I feel really lonely for companionship and I'll be $&$@ if I'm going to get that from anyone other than my DH.
I want it from him and I'm sure he's tired of me asking for him to hold me or
Talk with me or whatever.
Maybe that is why I keep such distance from men. Maybe I am afraid. Hopefully you are very afraid, because it is that fear that will help you observe boundaries. I would be very honest with your husband, inknots, and let him know that you want to have an intimate, romantic marriage. Tell him how unhappy you are with him and that you want to be happy. I would get the book, Surviving an Affair, read it and ask him to do the program outlined in there. It really does work to restore the romantic love in a marriage. You need a PLAN!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2011
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Posts: 8 |
Hi everyone.
Yes I agree we need a plan. We were doing marriage builders years ago
and I didn't do the best job I could have. I've approached my husband on
Giving the Surviving an Affair plan another look.
I know Ive done horrible things and my marriage isn't going to get better if we aren't following a plan. I also know that even after stopping all contact with the OM I wasn't in a good frame of mind long after.
I have to change the way things are. I wonder if it's already too late.
My husband suffers from PTSD because of the emotional abuse.
I hope it's not too late for us. I really do love him and am so depressed
About things right now.
Please help!!
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 8
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I forgot to say that I used to post here as ilovemyhubbie, but don't remember
how to get back on my old username.
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 8
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Junior Member
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Posts: 8 |
I feel like such a failure because I haven't fixed my marriage.
Im an emotional wreck and filled with anxiety.
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