I�m hoping someone can give me some advice. I feel like I�ve made the worst mistake of my life. I�ve been lurking here for a few months, and finally decided to ask for help.
Here�s the story. Married 8 years, together 10 years. One 4-year old daughter. 5 months ago, after a couple of months of being distant and angry, my husband told me that he realized how unhappy he is in our relationship. Since then he wrote me a letter telling me about some of my traits (Love Busters and being unemployed while we had financial problems) that he�s been bothered by for the past 10 years, and yet this is the first time he�s actually communicating these issues to me.
He asked for a separation 4 months ago, and we�ve been living together since in our condo for financial reasons. Now he�s talking about selling the condo, so that we can pay for 2 separate apartments.
After he wrote me the letter I asked him to go to couples counselling but he refused because he said that he didn�t think it would help and that the dynamics between us would never change. He said he didn�t want to change his mind about the separation because he�d be upset with himself if he didn�t follow through on it. He has changed though. He�s started going to the gym, buying new clothes and has started going out regularly on weekends to a karaoke bar where he has been making a new circle of (mostly female) friends (thanks to Facebook I�m aware of all this).
I did some snooping and discovered that he�s also created an online dating profile. When I asked him about this he told me that he �just met one woman and it was weird.� He said he made the profile mainly for confidence and to see if anyone would be interested in dating him. He also said that he gains a lot of confidence from going to karaoke and likes the compliments he receives for his singing (I should add that he�s going out to the bar at 10pm, after 8 years of going to bed at 10pm).
After lots of reflection, introspection and lots of reading I�ve finally �woken up� and realized that I was driving my husband away with Love Busters (selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts and independent behaviour. I was depressed following the birth of our daughter, then my mum died... and then I didn�t go back to my full-time job and just became �stuck.�
I love him. I think he�s the smartest, kindest, and most gentle man I�ve ever met and I�m ashamed of and regret my behaviour. My heart is breaking and I can�t believe I took him for granted and drove him away from me. I want to give him the space he�s asking for, and I also want to work on myself and save our marriage.
Does anyone have any advice on how I can work on saving our marriage (by myself) before he gets his mind set on divorce...?
