It has been almost 10 months since I found out that my wife had an affair with the owner's son (35 year old - 12 years her junior) at her place of employment of almost 25 years.

This forum helped me make the most important step on Nov 19 to tell the OMW. Thank you again.

My wife left her job in March and we are working toward rebuilding our lives. I would like some help deciding whether to take actions to hold the OM accountable for his actions or to turn the other cheek.

How would you hold him accountable?

THG,

What was the fallout for the OM, divorce, dismissal, his family scorns him?

Did you expose to his father who owns the company or press a lawsuit? Is he a serial cheater who continues to seduce employees?

God Bless
Gamma

Law suit hostile work environment.

Used his position as a power of authority to pressure WW to have an affair with OM.

Thing is did WW report to OM?

How much power did OM have could he fire WW?

Did OM do evaluations, hence did OM infer no raises if WW didn't give in and if she did a raise in her paycheck with an additional raise in his pants or aka Pants Bonus?

Does OM have copies of WW emails, did WW write protests or WW can wait to get her hands on his bonus.

I don't remember was your WW the one that signed papers in the owner's office with their lawyer saying she banged the OM of her on free will?

Outside of exposing to the OMW at this point all you can do expose more but to who and what will that accomplish?

There is the ever lovely option of an Alienation of Affection lawsuit, should your state support them.

However, I would caution that any focus on the OM right now will invariably drag down you, your W, and your recovery. Your energies should be first and foremost on recovering from your W's infidelity, and if you two are choosing to save the marriage (which speaks a lot to your and your W's characters) then you need to make that your one and only priority. IMHO.

Since I'm on the other side of the BS-WS equation, I can't speak with any certainty regarding the actions a BS feels are warranted. I just feel that any actions carried out against the OM are not going to be clean, neat closure - rather, they'll be exactly the opposite.

Certainly if there is a predatory element, or serial cheating involved, etc., then I understand the imperative to do something about it. Just know that it comes at a cost to you and your recovery.

What did you have in mind, THG? Civil litigation or physical violence? One will cost you some money the other will cost you some penal time if caught.

Sure it's worth it?

Perhaps a suit alleging sexual harassment which of course would require your wife to testify against OM - she willing to do that to recover your marriage?

There are a couple of options.

1. My wife's boss, Dan worked for the OM. The affair was July - November last year. In September the OM fired Dan boss. Practically every day last summer my wife came home and complained about her boss. What are the odds that Dan was fired in part because of my wife's input?

2. The OM used his position in the company to invite my wife to an annual charity golf outing. Of course they did more than golf that day. I thought about contacting his peers in the industry that participated in the golf outing and share how he used a children's cancer fundraiser to advance his affair.

Other ideas?

My wife and I participated in a lie detection interview this week. The interviewer stated that the OM is a manipulator and that there are other victims out there.

Keep my mouth shut and take the high road or make his life hell... I am not sure what approach to take.

The company invited my wife to the lawyers office and had her create a document stating that she consented to the sex. She will not file a lawsuit. She did and she signed it.

Actually that is one of my issues. She is way to protective of the OM. It sucks.

The fallout for the OM:

1. OMW has a prenuptial agreement that states she gets the house, kids...

2. The OM and OMW were trying to purchase 1/2 of the company from OM's aunt. That is on hold, because he needs OMW signature.

3. There is a morality clause in his contract for the next 5 years. I don't think seducing a 25 year employee fits into that clause. He is in jeopardy of loosing his share of the company.

Besides holding OM accountable or taking a pound of flesh I need some help with another question too. My wife admits to the affair. Meeting him in his office 5-6 times for make out sessions in early July, Having intercourse 3 times (mid-July, Aug 12, Aug 16) and then she went on the pill (Aug 20).

I found out about the affair Oct 15. I told OMW Nov 29.

The lie detection interview (personal interview, no machine used) did not believe her. She estimated 10 - 20 times during the 20 week period. As I stated before my wife seems very protective of OM. When my sisters found out about the affair my wife called them and instead of apologizing she begged them not to use his name in public.

I told my wife that I simply do not believe they were together just 3 times in a 20 week period and hope that someday she will be able to tell me the truth. She says I have told the truth and no one believes her.

People tell me I will have to come to grips with the fact that I may never know the full truth. I think that if our new relationship is going to work it must be based on 100% open and honesty.

How do I move forward? Suggestions?

My situation is similar to yours. My FWW's A lasted almost two years, and she claims that they had sex only a few times. Like you, I have a lot of difficulty believing that.

I believe that she's minimizing the amount of times to save herself further embarrassment. And to be honest, after you find out that your W's been carrying on a regular PA with another man, does it really matter that much specifically how many times they had sex?

I too was troubled at the likely absence of total openness and honesty, but I chose to pursue M recovery anyway. We're still together 6 years post D-Day.

A lawsuit would require 2-5 years of extraordinary time and energy.

Marital Recovery will require 2-5 years of extraordinary time and energy.

You choose!

But choose wisely, because your marriage will likely not survive one of those choices.

As far as going down the rabbit hole of exposing to more of OM's friends & associates, I think you would be wasting valuable energy that is going to be required if your marriage is going to survive. Exposure is designed to end all avenues of the affair continuing and you've acheived this. Let it rest!

Sounds like you need to sit down with your W one more time (no kids or anyone around). have a notebook and pen handy. ask her to recount the affair chronologically in detail from beginning to end. See if what she is saying matches what was said. Tell her that in order to stay she needs 100% openness and honesty.

cv

You told the OMW. You can tell the aunt, she may not want to sell her half to the OM. But may not be able to sell her half to an outsider because usually people don't want to buy half a business. So aunt may sell because she is held over a barrel by the OM and blood is thicker then water.

I never heard of a lie detector test without a machine. Who's idea was that one?

Get a real one scheduled and tell WW as soon as you have the date set.

RED FLAG: Why is WW still protecting OM?

Why haven't you consulted a lawyer for sexual harashment at work?

Have you told WW that you want legal action taken against the OM?

If so what is her position on this?

Do I call Dan, WW's old boss and tell him he was fired while his employee was having an affair with his boss?

you should certainly consider it if you think it was a great possibility. he may have grounds for a suit.

I am agreeing with PapaBear on this one. I would not hide the affair for the OM and I surely would call Dan and tell him, but other than that, I would focus your energy on recovering your marriage. The FIRST STEP is killing the affair and ending all contact. If you don't throw yourself into recovery NOW, you will end up with a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage. Ending the affair is only 1/10th of the battle. You can't just stop there.

Did you tell your kids about the affair? Does everyone know? It is a good idea to make sure everyone knows if you haven't done that already.

OK, so I tell Dan and then let that go.

I am still having trouble believing her story. This started in July and didn't end until I exposed it to OMW in late November. She states they were together 5-6 times in in office and then mid-July, Aug 12 and Aug 16. She went on the pill Aug 20.

No one I talk with believes the story is complete. How do I move forward without knowing the whole story?