Yes, my children (19 and 22) were told in November. I followed your advice in November everyone knows.

Will she take a polygraph?

Yes she will take a polygraph.

We spoke with someone locally who said they recommend a lie detection interview instead of the polygraph. WW has already admitted the affair, so the polygraph would be harder to determine 3 times vs. 20 times. That is what we were told.

The interview used body language, face recognition and his vs her story to identify the truth and lies.

We did the interview on Thursday. The results indicated that there was more to the story (3 times in 20 weeks) than WW is stating. They also said they were concerned about how protective of the OM my WW still is.

Now I remember your story! You changed your sign in and I thought that might be you.

I would call around some more and get more opinions on the polygraph and try that route. The reason is because if she is withholding information, you are going to have a hard time moving forward. By lying, she keeps herself in a fog and keeps you from ever trusting her. Obviously, you can't ever rebuild intimacy and trust if she has secrets with the OM to which you are not privy.


She is still very addicted and sounds FOGGY to me. There could be several reasons for this, in my experience:

1. she is withholding facts

2. she is still seeing him

3. she is fanning the flames of her addiction by keeping some momentos

4. she is stalking his facebook page or other website

5. she is driving by his house or office

I am not sure which it would be, but are you watching her like a hawk? Do you know her whereabouts at all times? What does she do on the computer?

Have you spoken to the OMW about this? What does her husband say about the # of times they had sex?

I forgot my password and the system wouldn't email me the old password.

Yes, OMW came to our house and met with me and WW in December. Their stories line up, but they had plenty of time to get that straight before OMW found out. They are also very vague on dates so it leads me to believe there were many more than they are admitting to.

The story expanded over time. First it was we were together twice. First time we didn't go through with it, second time we did. Then I found more information and she admitted to sex first and second time. Then I found another email and she admitted to sex following a day long charity golf outing in mid-August. So she admitted to three times. Once OMW visited the house and she learned we were going to get the texts from their text messages she admitted to making out in his office 5 - 6 times and texting him after I found out and inviting him to meet in the store room, which she said he didn't take her up on the offer.

I am watching her, but I can't be with her 24/7. Her new job is near his home so an occasional drive by is possible.

I have asked her to FIX IT. Here are my concerns you come up with a strategy to fix them.

Her new job is near his HOME? Oh, that is BAD BAD NEWS. This needs to be solved, and FAST.

Do you live in a big city? Do you have the option of moving? DrH often suggests that couples move after an A so there is no chance that there is any contact between APs. This would be so hard to deal with.

Also, I think part of your thinking about getting "back" at OM is because a BS usually feels like the OP didn't suffer any consequences, and therefore somehow got away with it. It's not up to you to ensure OM gets what's coming to him, that will come, in due time. Your focus is on YOUR marriage, and recovering THAT.

THG, you MUST get a GPS on her car. Are you checking everything else? I wonder if she is not still in touch with him.

On second thought, a polygraph is not going to get you any closer to the truth. If she flunked this interview, then she would probably flunk the polygraph. I would just presume she is still lying. And I don't know why. I wonder why? Does she think it will make a difference if she had sex with this loser 3 times or 20 times?

Do you think it would help if she read this?

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

This indicates that just passing OM home is enough of a fix to keep WW protecting OM.

You need to at least a 1,000 miles away from OM to recover this marriage.

Can you explain more why you suggest that I move 1K miles away? Is that truly necessary?

Tell me more about this fix? I don't get it.

One reason is to put distance between the wayward spouse and the affair partner.
another is to reduce triggers on your end (and hers), so that everytime you drive by "x" you aren't sent into a spiral thinking about what WS did at "X" with POSOP

There is a real sense where it segregates you and gives you the opportunity to rebuild with less interference from those around you.

Yes, like if a WS and OP went to a certain sandwich shop for a weekly date, driving past it would trigger feelings. So you move away from the area to avoid triggers like the sandwich shop.

No, not always! My wife and I worked out EP's with The Harley's for staying where we currently live.

It truly becomes your choice.

Can you recovery and know OM lives nearby?

Will you trigger all the time, or?

Only you know!

THG,

My thoughts are more along the line of sitting down and working with your wife to address your concerns.

I do not agree with the approach that you just tell your spouse to "Fix It".... That's NOT how you recover a marriage.

Yes, you ask your wife to agree to NC!

Yes, you ask your wife to work a marital recovery program such as MB.

Yes, you ask for the EP's you need!

Yes, you ask her to be O&H!

No, you don't just say, "Fix It"! This attitude will cause your wife to question why she would want to stay in the marriage.

Look, you've been valiantly fighting for your marriage, don't blow the recovery by being hard nosed with your wife. You must now shift gears to a plan of "Care and Protection".

I do agree with ML though, get a good GPS program for her car.