Pool. I suck at it but I could learn I spose.

I always wanted him to teach me pool, plus poker and chess. I guess now is an opportunity to teach myself.

Dancing he hates, football (english fb) I hate (I really try as its so important to him but I just go into a trance). I thought sport events and movies werent UA time? I'm still not sure on that one.

They don't count towards the minimums that you need to keep your marriage at the romantic level but you should also never spend any rec time without your spouse. So, if you want to go dancing, he's gotta go with you(POJA'd of course). If you two can't agree to it, then it would need to go.

I'm not good at pool, but my WH did teach me, and we would spend hours at pool halls when we first started dating. Sometimes there were others, and most of the time, I watched him play. It gave me LOTS of time to admire him, he really is good at playing pool. It would be a fun night out.

Yes I actually did used to do the admiring of the pool-playing but then I stopped!

Sadly, so did I. MB is amazing isn't it? Whether our WH's get the advantage of our new found knowledge, or someone else does, we will be darn good at EN meeting this time around.

So I have a bit of a situation. Softlad's godmother is in town (She lives in the US) She and I get on really well and she is prob the person he listens to and respects the most.

She will probably spend a lot of time at her sisters house, which is next door. Her sister earlier said I should drop round and I am bound to see her sometime

I never exposed to her as I dont have her contact details but I know other members of her family have spoken with her and she is very shocked

She will no doubt want to hear things directly from me and I dont really object. Does this go against Plan B though? I am sure I can ask her not to mention anything about softlad to me, she is a very grounded person who would understand.

I would have to really dodge her to avoid seeing her and I dont want her getting the wrong idea.

Nope. Call her up and invite her to a girls' lunch. Have a very nice and light convo with her and LOOK FABULOUS. And YES do expose the whole situation to her.

But also make it about the visit with HER too. Let her know you love wh and that you're doing all you can do, including working a plan that has amazing results helping marriages, but right now, you have to be away from the drama and pain of the affair and betrayal and WANT her support in standing FOR YOUR MARRIAGE.

Sure, it's exposure. And YES she is part of the friends and family exposure plan, so she needs to be brought up in a friendly way to speed.

And nothing's better than having a fun girls' luncheon somewhere nice and dressing up and looking fabulous. Trust me, it will get back to WH that you love him, that the affair IS WRONG, and that the affair MUST END if you are to have contact with him ever again.

Definitely won't break Plan B by exposing your WH's A.

There were people that I ran into after I started Plan B, and they would ask me about my WH, and I would tell them about the affair.

You know you're doing something right, when you want to make sure you are doing it right.

Keep it up girl.

I work miles away and she's only here a few days, so lunch won't work. Love the idea though, Peachy.

Going to try and catch her tonight, see if she wants a coffee or something.

I may make some effort though! Be the goddaughter in law she was always kind of proud of. Honestly his family like me better than him some times.

Today was pretty bleak, but nowhere near as bad as previous bleak days. I am healing. Had a great work day where my boss complemented me nonetheless

I can just feel myself getting closer to 'goodbye' all the time. Scarily fast. I think I left unresolved problems in the marriage go on far too long and now its affecting my love bank.

I think he will turn around at some point, but I have a feeling it will be too little, too late.

And I think that is one of the true reasons for Plan B. Healing the BS. Making us able to pick up the pieces and move on.

Sorry for your bleak day. You know there will be better ones.

Softlad is looking really bad to me today. Is this normal?

Its not even in a 'I hate him' kind of way, or even about the A, which I could understand.

I'm looking into the far past, which I thought of as so romantic at the time, and I dont really see much now.

When we were dating (we never lived together before marriage) I thought of him as so devoted to me, and everyone else agreed with that assessment.

But now I just see him as being stupidly infatuated with me, without having the maturity to truly appreciate what a real relationship was going to take.

The early years of our marriage we were equally guilty in being too independent. We always had our best fun with each other, though.

He annoyed me by not helping either clean or renovate our house. Not doing any gardening either, but I wasnt really emphatic about getting him to do anything about these problems

We didnt take holidays together. He would say we would, then plan his boys trip to vegas, and then we wouldnt have time/money for a trip for us.

Affection, converstation, admiration were very free flowing both ways for many years nonetheless.

SF was a huge issue, I felt rejected a lot. I still wonder why as it was fine when we were dating.

Then when I took a job that involved a long commute and opposite shifts, things got rustier, but we were still pretty tight.

Then cue his friends death and the hole that ripped between us.

I was badly treated from that point on, but never lost love for him, it had an amazing strength.

Of course I believed a lot of the blame he dished out on me.

I dont know. Why would the man I loved so, so much, start looking like a joke to me now?

I was willing to forgive his infidelity when I first discovered it and things were raw then.

Given some space and distance - now I don't even know what I was thinking for 15 years.

Is this the blinkers coming off, or just survival mode?

Indie,

I think some of us just take our marriage vows more seriously than others. Some of us are willing to do the work to save the M because that's what we promised. That's what we stand for and who we are. For better or worse till death do us part. Others just don't seem to put too much weight on that ...the promises that they made. They would rather just take the easy road. That's who they are.

Don't beat yourself up over the IB. Society seems to encourage it. I don't think you would have spent that much time apart if you truly understand how detrimental it would be. You were living your life the best way that you knew.

I know that MB has taught me many things about life and relationships. I won't be in an unhealthy relationship again. I am sure that you are the same. Take comfort in that.

(((hugs)))

Its Plan B dear. And it is personal recovery. Your Taker is also screaming at you. When I had times like these I just remembered to focus on healing and my own personal recovery. I also reminded myself that I had a timeline and that I wasn't going to make any decisions on either an up or down slope and instead just keep doing what I was doing for the amount of time I allotted.

So, I would say that it is completely normal and all part of the process. Isn't personal recovery a hoot

Yes, Scotty my taker has lots of energy! My goodness.

Pokerface, no that is one thing I really dont fear, no unhealthy relationships for me.

I wouldnt change this experience either strangely, even though it is based on such a vile and unholy thing.

It has changed me. I like the changes and think I will have a better life with them.

I feel for softlad though. I wish I had helped him out of the mire earlier. Even if he did jump himself in like a stupid child.

Perhaps it is stupid to say such a thing of someone who has shown very immature ways of dealing with problems, but I think in some ways, he would have done it for me.

I dont know that he would have forgiven infidelity exactly, but he doesnt have a KISA complex for nothing. He would have helped me out of any mess that he could understand, if ykwim.

I am helping him out of it now the best I can. If the effort is too late, it is not something I can help.

WOW. The growth in you is AMAZING. I am so happy to "know" you. If I ever jump across the pond, I would LOVE to meet you.

I too, oddly, wouldn't change what has happened(mostly ). It made me into a person I am proud to be. Well, I am becoming one.

I love this place, because I know that I always have people around who understand exactly what I am going through.

I agree - My plan B is beginning to be my saving grace. I wouldn't change the affair either. I am finally seeing how I was lost in the marriage, and Plan B allows me to see how I can become a better person.

I am really working on understanding DJ's and how I did them on a regular basis. What I am learning is going into everything with no expectations in return. I can only control myself.

Letting go of my WH and the entire situation is what I needed to learn. As time continues I know it will be the greatest lesson I learn in life.

GOD be with all of us. Praying for us Plan B'ers

Tough

I think it's par for the course. I used to be SO attracted to my wife. I thought she was the most beautiful creature on earth. And for a time, she was. But after all the lies, lies, lies, the attraction just went away. Like a light switch just turned off. I cannot even think of SF when I look at her. I just think of the disappointment I feel and of the highly unattractive narcissism that makes up her character.

Indie
I think part of keeping the love going might be keeping the infatuation going too
You sound so clear, and strong, I am jealous, because I still am foggy, and doubt my judgement, as to what happened exactly, but I remember when in certain times, the blinders came off too, and it was revealing. I'm glad for you. It's a step in the right direction. I'll get there again also

You sound like you are doing great, and the observations are objective. If softlad is not in the history as the romantic husband, it is because he made it that way. I am sure it could have been a different story looked at it if you were together

You have a strong sense of self, and it's healthy, you are coming together, that's all after being ripped apart, SL will have to jump through some high hoops to win you back, that's for sure, as he should

You trusted him to stay true, and went with the flow, and he went with the ho. He is the one who stepped in it

15 years huh? You are doing so well, and seeing so much, I am sure you will be a winner. Hang in there Indie. God bless

I get this, I have always been very attracted to 'goodness'. Plus my top need is O&H, so it makes sense that SL's stock is falling!

Thanks I am really grateful for your advice Scotty so its good to hear I am on the right track!! Plus I agree totally, the people here are incredible....

Missed SL's godmother, she had made plans and then had to go home. Oh weell, I might see if I can get her email address and tjust say I am sorry I missed her.

It was softlads birthday on Thursday. I didnt think of him for most of the day - thanks to my super organised 'keeping busy' plans, but toward the end of the day I did.

I am pretty 100 per cent certain he had a miserable day. He always does, for one thing. People (me especially of course) will say to him every year 'what do you want to do for your birthday'

Then he will mope and moan, say he doesnt like birthdays, refuse to make plans and practically threaten anyone who tries.

His birthday comes and goes without any plans taking place and he moans that nobody is really his friend!

This year will suck for him, her or no her.

I supose I was kind of wondering if he would try and break plan b but that ist really his style.

His style is insane stubbornness and leaving everything till its too late.

I can do without that.

I know how hard it is for days like that to go by. It's funny, my WH didn't care much about birthdays either. I would make a cake for him and we would selebrate it. He would always sya that it was just another day. But when the boys wanted to do special things for him he was happy. Now, OW would need to meet that need and I don't give a rat's behind if she did or not.

You are doing so great and I am impressed. Plan B really is the best thing for a BS in a sitch like this. I wish ALL BSs would foolow Plan B as well as you have.