Dear forum members,
I need your help.
I am living again an ordeal which I wanted to forget but cannot since new facts came out again.
I am 60 Years old and my wife is 52 years. We have been married 33 years and have 6 children. Two of them are now married too. We have been living in Germany for the past 18 years but we are French speaking. I have been diabetic since I was 16 years and I have tried my best to keep my blood sugar in control. 10 years ago I started suffering from ED. This fact had almost destroyed our marriage up the point my wife decided to have an affair with a married man in Switzerland. When I found out, I was completely devastated. My heart was broken because I loved my wife very much. Before this ED problem we were deeply in love with each other up to the point that our friends and neighbors were considering us a model couple. In despair I sought solutions from my diabetes doctor who prescribed SKAT injections because no pills were working (Viagra, Cialis etc.. had no effect on me). My wife did not accept this solution because, she says, it is not natural. Although she is used to it now, it is still a problem to her. Because of this resistance on her part, we do not make love as much as we should. But when we do, it is very satisfactory to both of us.
Coming back to the affair, I found pictures in the wardrobe of my wife that this married man had given her and telephone numbers that she was trying to disguise under false names or false country codes. I copied these numbers and called the man in Switzerland and told him that I know what is going on between him and my wife. I told him he should stop or I would kill him. I also call the man�s wife and told her I would kill her husband if he continues to have an affair with my wife. My aim was only to create a situation in this man�s family that would make him stop seeing my wife. As a result, the man changed all his numbers Cellular and home. When my wife heard that I called the man, she cried for days but did not asked for forgiveness. I forgave her because I know it was because of my ED problem that she went astray. For a while she continued to call that man on an other number that I did not have. I found out from her cellular phone bill and I told her she should stop calling this man again. Since then the situation between my wife and I is like a sinusoidal curve, up and down. She is very nervous and a smallest thing can set fire. I do not usually argue with her. Whenever I try to reason her on some matters she is always on the defensive side and turn always things against me. She has several times threatens to leave me but has never been able to put it in act. I still do my best to show her my love even when I am deeply in pain with her attitude.
She has taken the habit of being dominant. Whatever she says is what must be done. Whatever I say is never satisfactory to her. Whatever I wear is not good for her. She does no longer explain things to me as she used to do before. Because of this I have become less talkative. She may get an invitation from friends and family we know and she will tell me only on the last moment when she is preparing herself to go. We have been living like that for almost 8 years.
Last day she had gotten a new cellular phone and she wanted all her numbers saved on her old phone be transferred to the sim card. She asked me to help. This is when I noticed a new disguised number of this man. I told her to copy all the number on her new telephone booklet before I make mistake and loose all the numbers. I copied all the numbers to the sim card except the number of this man.
Later on I checked her new telephone booklet and found that she had copied this number on her new phone booklet.
This was a shock to me because I was convinced that she had stopped all contact with this man. Now I do not know what to think. I am again terribly hurt. I intend to call this number to see if it is still valid. And if it is still valid, it will be the proof that she is still in contact with this man after so many years.
I do not wish to bring the matter up with her until I get the proof I am waiting for. And if the number is no longer valid why would she keep this number under disguise? Why would she keep hanging on to this number?
What should my reaction be when the number is still valid? She has not traveled to Switzerland again for 8 years. What am I to think?
I have read Dr Harley�s concepts. I have been trying to apply them but my wife has not and does not want to read them. One problem is that her English is not good.



Diabwilly

Is there the possibility this OM is travelling TO YOUR COUNTRY? Have you considered that?

Also, NO more death threats to the Om. But I'd have him scared and I would EXPOSE him and also your ww to any friends or family. Is she on FB or a social networking site that she may be using to communicate with him? Do not warn you will be exposing their affair. It must be done in surprise, without warning to have any proper effect.

I would find this out. Go look at our "operation investigate" forum below "surviving an affair" and get the knowledge on how to snoop.

Your ww is acting as an entitled wayward, with a bit of a very bad attitude. She is behaving as she is BECAUSE THAT AFFAIR has not stopped, has gone further underground, or he is coming to visit her. Either way she is emotionally connected to him...or even to another OM.

Snooping can confirm this.

Learn Plan A and Plan B and work Plan A fully, all of it, especially the EXPOSURE part, after snooping and find out what her top emotional needs are.

Btw, she is keeping his number secret BECAUSE SHE IS STILL CONTACTING HIM and has at the least an emotional affair long distance going on. My bets are on that this sleazy om is travelling to your country to get nookie with ww.

Snoop and find out. And learn ALL THE MB concepts, especially plan A right now to bust this up. It sounds like it is now a long term, entrenched affair if it has been going on for 8 yrs.

Peachy is right on. Start snooping. Don't tell your wife you are doing it. Expose the affair to everyone.

Dear Pischyisback,
Thank you for the advise. It is important for me to find out than staying in doubt. I will read everything in plan A as you said and try my best. One thing is that I am a very sensitive person and can hardly hide my hurt feeling. I will try to be strong and get the truth because I would hate myself to accuse someone with something he or she did not do. But as you said, her whole attitude is showing dishonesty. It is strange how human being can suddenly change like that. She use to be a perfect wife, very tender and loving. Now it is the opposite although I am showing all my love and forgive all her bad attitudes. Thanks again

Diabwilly

I do not think he would dare come to Germany, though it is possible. But what I suspect is that there is a possibility of them to meet in Belgium where my wife goes to visit friens and family members once in a while. Not often. once evry 5 or 6 months. This would be costly for him. I don't know. I am devastated. I will do my best to be strong and snoop aroud. She is also on Face Book and keep her email address password very secret.

Diabwilly

Dear Celticvoyager,
It is hard to accept and do the snooping without betraying own feelings. But I will do my best to smile on the outside when my heart is crying inside.

Thanks

Diabwilly

Diabwilly, welcome to Marriage Builders. You will get lots of help here. I would suggsest that you call the OM's wife and ask her if the OM has traveled. It is likely she has continued contact over the years and if you could compare notes with her, it would be helpful.

Another thing you should do is expose the affair to your wife's family and your children. The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it secret all these years has only served to enable it.

In the meantime, it is real important that you STOP allowing her to manipulate you. For example, when she demands something of you or tries to manipulate you, you should not reward her. Rewarding her only encourages her to continue acting this way.

The next important step is to develop a plan to recover your marriage. One of the reasons this has gone on for so long is because your marriage never recovered. You NEVER fell back in love again. Most marriages don't EVER recover from affairs because they have no plan. The MB plan really does work in that it restores the romantic love in your marriage. Please read this: Requirements for Recovery

What a GREAT comfort this will be to the OM's betrayed wife !


No, my dear confused man, if the major deciding factor for your WW's adultery was a lack of a stiff marital penis, she could just as easily chosen a penis without a wife attached. Or, a well made "penis substitute device" you could have enjoyed together.

Willy,

I understand. It is hard. and unfair. Please use this place to vent. Let it be the place you cry out. There's smart people here that can help.

Hi Celticvoyager,

I have just read your story. As I was reading tears were coming down my eyes. I was feeling the pain you felt as if it was me. You were very strong to survive all this ordeal. I wish I can be as strong as you. Your story looks in some aspects just like my case. I love my wife more than she can imagine. I have never thought of going or being with an other woman except my wife. Nowdays she acts as she loves me but at the sametime she is hiding things from me.

Bytheway, I was not able to see the end of the story. Were you able to fully regain your wife? Has the relationship come back to normal?

Diabwilly