My wife agreed to fully disclose any details about the affair in response to any questions I ask, but wants it to be a one-time deal. While I don't necessarily agree with that, I'll work with it for now, so I'm not really looking for opinions on that. I'm really looking for what questions to ask, to be sure I'm not overlooking anything.

Thanks in advance.

This won't work out. Answers will yield more questions.

Anyway ask slowly, start general, can't un ask anything.

I would be doing YOU a diservice to ignore such foolishness.
But, it's your recovery.

Soooooooooo ..... here is MY suggested question:

I get that answers will spawn more questions and she is open to that, but I'm trying to fight one battle at a time.

As long as she is open to follow-up questions. After all, she's had for the duration of the affair & since to mull things over. She hasn't any right to expect you to be able to fully process the same info in a single evening.

So you are going to question WW till either you or her pass out after 48 hr non stop Q & A?

And then what when you regain conscience and realized you didn't get to finish asking?

What happens when day's later something triggers a thought and you need to ask then what?

And, to add: yea what he said.

If faced with such a situation, I'd say "Sorry, but no thanks - I cannot agree to you dictating the terms of my recovery from your A."

i think you have 2 options,

and this is something that someone suggested to me.

write down all the questions you have...do this a week before yout Q&A session so you dont miss anything...but youll miss something but try your best.

or

tell her that you dictate the terms of recovery...if she doesnt like it then oh well....


and after you do that, suggest that there should be one night a week where you should be able to ask questions. for maybe one hour..the reason being is that itll give you time to process the answers and ask more questions hat you would other wise miss. it takes the pressure off of grilling about the affair 24/7. and it allows you to use the rest of your time focusing on your marriage. say you do it every tuesday at 9pm. well then you have a week to prepare. write down your questions. spend an hour asking. when the times up, move on.wait till next week. someone even suggested using a bowl and putting your questions in their and letting her pick them out.

eitherway, it may make a stressful situation less so, and allows you the time to not screw it up and get all the answers your looking for...and at some point, that one hour can turn into talking about something else...and next thing you know your spending more time together in a positive way...

hope this helps

Elph, great suggestion. Her fear is that the quetsions will be non-stop, and doesn't want to relive it every day. And she is definitely the 'structure' type.

I hear the rest of you in that questions will spawn more questions, and that I need to be able to ask them. Having her agree to answering ANY questions right now is a really big hurdle to have overcome, so I'm taking it one step at a time. I'm not going to be pushy about answering more questions, yet. One battle at a time--we're only a month out of me busting her.

I have a long list, that she plans to answer in writing, and she'll share the answers at our next counseling session, which is Saturday. And coincidentally my 40th birthday. Happy birthday to me. Okay, enough with the self pity.

Thanks for all your thoughts and suggestions.

Did you find the contact info of OMW and did you expose the affair to her?

I do suggest you to keep one thread (you can ask mods to do that by clicking Notify), it is easier to follow your story and thus give more accurate advice.

I didn't expose initially to OMW. Out of fear of making my W angry and thus loose her. After all, she is at home and I have to avoid any movements that might give her bad feelings? Or she will leave me for OM. Well, this kind of thinking lead us to 9 months false recovery (the affair went underground and lies were covered by lies). I did find out and exposed to OMW immediately. Affair ended and we are 2 years into recovery. I hope you will learn from my mistakes.

If your WW is trying to bully you that she will answer only one time then it means that your wife is still foggy and very dangerous to you.

Waywards avoid answering questions because of two reasons

- to not feel bad about their actions (honestly, there are not many answers that will show her in good light after affair)

But you have to feel consequences, how else can you avoid bad decisions in future?

- to keep the affair live

After revealing all aspects of the affair to your spouse, it is very hard to keep the fantasy running in your brain.

ZK, your wife cannot dictate the terms of your recovery, HOWEVER, Dr Harley does strongly suggest that once all the truth is out there, that the subject is dropped and never brought up again. That being said, there should be a follow up session to this initial truth dump. What often happens is the WS glosses the truth over, some things don't make sense. I hope your WW doesn't make that mistake, but if something doesn't make sense you won't have any peace until it does.

What bothers me with this, is that it seems to be rigged to make your wife more comfortable rather than focused on your recovery. Your wife's comfort and convenience is irrelevant to this process. What is important is that you get the information ABOUT YOUR LIFE that was wrongfully withheld from you.

Was the OM's wife informed of the affair?

Z-

I see you have 2 threads.

My questions about the A lasted nearly 4 weeks. Luckily for me, I didnt get to see video evidence of my FWW doing OM which he recorded on his cell phone. But, OMW gave me enough description to make me sick. No man should have to see that unless they are freaks into that sort of things.

What started to happen around week 4 was I asking the same questions and expecting different answers. Answer that wouldnt infuriate me. But those answers didnt exist.

One has to accept that another dude had access to what you once thought was yours alone. Impossible early on, yes. But, after a little time you'll learn of addiction and other things and you be able to move on. (Your wife already knows it was a waste of time. She knew it after the first time.) Addiction is a real thing.

Hang in there, man.

My wife agreed to fully disclose any details about the affair....but wants it to be a one-time deal.

How sweet! The felon wants to control the terms of her probation! (Note: I skipped the "inmate/asylum" analogy so as not to insult the mentally challenged!)

I'm trying to correlate between your two threads (Please pick one and stay there - have the mods merge them.) When last we left you over there, you were doing the not-atypical "Oh, I don't want to be judgmental and inform the OM's BW" routine. Well, pal, the best way to get the whole stinking, disgusting truth from the year-and-a-half of WW's playtime is to inform that other spouse, have her put WH through the same interrogation, and you and she get together and compare notes.

Our goal here, if possible, is to assist you in healing from the damage WW has done, and recovering your marriage - NOT "getting past this ASAP", which is the goal of every WS, yours included. Think of a gangrenous wound. If you DON'T open it up, excise the infection, and instead just sew up the wound, dude, you're gonna die.

Hmm. Its one thing to say that dwelling on the affair forever is not what she wants...

But she isnt saying that is she? Shes saying ONCE only, that's it, thats all the truth you deserve.

Why?

Because she doesnt want to repeat herself. It's tricky to keep up with lies.

I would ask for this full disclosure in a time line written out by her as suggested, then follow up questions by you, then I would want her to do a polygraph.

ZS,

Was an interesting question, I think if we organize the questions in categories based on the basic needs,....this is not comprehensive.

A Affection

Did they...hold hands, hug, did they have pet names for each other, give massages,etc? Did they do this in public.

SF sexual fulfullment

Did they perform kissing,
C conversation

What did they talk about, especially what did they say about you and the other betrayed spouse. Did they use email, letters, notes, facebook, secret cellphones.

Did they use another person as a go between.

RC recreational companionship

What fun things did they do together.

HO honesty and openness

What did they promise each other. What non-sexual lies did they tell during the affair.

What are they still not telling you, are they willing to take a lie detector test.

PA physical attractiveness

What was attractive on the other person. Why were they attracted did they remind them of some one they knew before.

DS domestic support

? not sure about this one, but was the other person at your house or your spouse at theirs or their vacation home.

FS financial support

Who paid for the motel, the meals, what gifts were given and received. Where are they now? Did they give the other person money.

FC family commitment

What did your spouse think their actions were doing to their family during their affair, how do they feel about them now. Are they willing to explain what they did and apologize to their children and extended family.

Was a child conceived during this affair and are all your children yours.

Did your children witness any of the affair, was your spouse angry at the children because they got in the way of the affair.

AD Admiration

What did the other person say that seduced them or made them feel good about themselves?

God Bless
Gamma

My sister is a marriage counselor and advised me very strongly to avoid asking about sex acts. Chances are she tried and/or enjoyed things with him that she refuses with me. Plus you don't need the mental images drawn out in detail.

Other than that IMO I want to know specifics of time place names events gifts songs etc. Dealing with one fact is tough nut not nearly as bad as the imagination running away without facts.

This is why people are told to go slow as they ask because they can't un ask.

Though it is not fair and not right for a WS to do things with and for the OP and refuse to do those things for the BS.

Many BS have expressed the need to do those things to reclaim these things from the OP.

My best suggestion is write down your questions... All that you can think of, no matter how absurd. Sit on it for about an hour or two... Do something else and then come back to it. That gives your mind a chance to clear a bit. Revisit the list and see if there are things to be added or removed that you want to know. Someone suggested a timeline. It's a good idea. have it written out in detail by her (as much as you can handle, you set the limits for it) and review it with her. Plan on your sit down to take a few hours. it will.

cv

Sorry. That doesnt work for me. I wanted to know it all, including the "dirty details". I couldnt care less about the ENs he met for her. They were nonsense in retrospect.

Especially since I was less than SF in my marriage during her A, I wanted to know what and where and how many and when she got naked with him. It was embarassing for her and really uncomfortable for me, but it was necessary for me to draw a complete picture of this disaster in my mind.

Geez, OMW was able to see videos of the action, I didnt ask her to email a copy.

Im comfortable in knowing the sexual escapades of my wife and her lover. Once I got there, I no longer had any further questions.

MB suggests you get answers to all you need to know and then no further questions. I got what I needed to know.