Well, you haven't been on the boards for a couple of weeks, so how has your Plan A been going? What have you been doing?

Do you have a Plan B letter written? When are you going into Plan B? Do you have any things left to prepare before you get into Plan B?

It seems to me that your WH is trying to get out of the house, what he wants to get out. Give him the clubs, or don't, either way, don't make a big deal about it. If you decide not to(and why keep them anyways?), then you could try a little diversion, "Golfing is great at this time of year, would you like some tea?" You don't even actually need to give him any tea. You don't even need to be around any tea, you just need to say something to throw him off of the topic.

Hi Scotland,

I was camping with the kiddos and other families, which made it SO much fun for everyone. But the best part was, that we all had ELEVEN glorious days without him. At counseling upon our return the counselor could even tell how relaxed we all were, happy, not stressed. It was a MUCH needed break.... The eleven day break occurred because earlier in the summer he scheduled his one week of vacation over one of my weekends, so it gave him 10 days. So I did the same, only I have the kids also on Monday, so without me realizing it - I had 11 days.

Plan A - Really haven't seen him. He drops kids off in driveway, When he came to pick up, I was still in my afterglow of enjoying the no contact, so did not go to the door. Which is probably why he lingered today. Will she come out? So today I guess my plan A was to be nice and give him he golf clubs and then not say anything derogatory when he did not live up to my request of returned items.

He has a very business relationship with me most of the time. He pretty much moved out and cut me off cold turkey. He is DONE with this longstanding marriage and is very focused on getting the kids into his new life. Taking them over the POSOW house every chance he gets when she is not there, planning events that involve my children and hers. My DS is REALLY starting to hate it. And just today, I realized that love bank withdrawls are FLYING out for my son in his relationship with his Dad. But my WH is deep in the fog and only wants what he wants. DS clearly sees that it is all about what Dad wants. Relationship has been out in the open for 18 months, he seems proud of it, sees nothing wrong with it. They have lived together for a year now.

I'm not feeling very hopeful that his fog will ever lift. It has been a long and very painful road.

-BDA

You really never know if the fog will lift for someone, but waht is most important right now is for you to remove yourself from the A and the drama of it. And how you do that, is by going into Plan B.

So.....what is the start date for Plan B?

I have been struggling over my love letter for Plan B. I also have not been able to secure an IM. But the love letter.... Even if short and sweet, I couldn't even come up with the words. He hasn't just lived with the (also married)OW and her children for over a year now, he has caused MASSIVE financial damage to our once very comfortable lives. (Left me (a SAHM) without a job, Bankruptcy, car repossession, foreclosure, now food stamps) I mean, we are hitting ROCK bottom here. I liken him to a tornado - MASS destruction. When he walked out our door, unlike many of your cake eaters, he never looked back. No regrets. FULLY justified. He is doing the right thing, because, you know, he has been 'unhappy' for so 16 years. (Complete wayward FOG, I know) According to him, I am the ONE damaging the children. He has told me that OVER and OVER. Me, who went back to school, started immediately subbing, did not run boyfriends over here, is borrowing a full sized pick up truck so we can have a vehicle, is borrowing the neighbor's lawn mower to take care of the 2 acres, takes the kids camping, cares for the 4 pets, has taken the kids to over 30 counseling sessions, etc., etc., etc. Sorry to go off here - but it is so frustrating to be doing all I am and still be told I am the one damaging the kids SO many times!?!?!?!?!? Projection?

So, I have been reading SAA. And thinking, YES! YES! I can do this! I can go through 2 - 5 years to recover my marriage, to save my children from the extreme and excruciating pain. This summer has been hard. My DS (13) has really begun to open up to me and tell me how everything Dad plans for him is just a way to get him more time with the OW son. (Apparently no paramour contact only applies to the OW, not her children). DS has HATED going over her house (where now Dad lives). I am composing the Plan B letter in my head. I even considered casually inviting him to help with something in the backyard, or go somewhere with us. (even if you don't have any tea around, offer him some, just to throw him off topic - Scotland). Full well knowing he wouldn't. But if he did, I rehearsed in my mind how the topic would only be on the task at hand. Not to discuss or even bring up the affair, as I was sad to learn because I had in the past, that it makes serious with drawls from BOTH love banks.

Instead, I get an email - can I have the kids the next full week? What? Kids come home - report that he is going on VACATION with the OW and her children. He owes me $20,000 - we are in the poorhouse because of it, and HE is going on vacation???? Trust me - it is not on her money, either - she doesn't have any!

So, HE who complains since the beginning that he does not have his kids enough, is willing to give up 3 visitations with them - one even overnight? He will miss a school orientation, one open house, a medical appt. (he suddenly attends - cuz he's a GOOD dad), a specialized meeting with a team of teachers, and their first day of school. I doubt he even realizes that school is beginning as he is only on board with the OW kids school. (I pulled them into the public school last year as the affair was with a mom in my son's class).

So I am just reeling here. One of my HUGE emotional needs is Family Commitment. And he was ALWAYS too busy building his business to take more that 2 work days off when we had our family. Now he has taken 2 full days off every week of summer for visitation (I would have died to have had that time when he lived here - because it was even rare that he spent the full weekend here - yes I know he was working at the time because he was in constant contact with me, plus she didn't work for us yet) took a WEEK off earlier in the summer to take our kids on vacation - again - made me very sad he couldn't have done that for OUR family before he moved out. And now, a week to spend with her family. I am hurt beyond words.

-BDA

Reality vs fantasy. Seems as if the 'wonderful' vacation was not all that. By the end of it, he began calling to talk to our kids, emailing me to follow up on scheduling, etc. Now over the last 3 days I have received EIGHT emails from him, insisting on having the kids 50/50 instead of the standard visitation that we go back to once school starts (and it did - 3 days ago). I have held my ground firm - no is my answer. This summer caused even more distance between my kids and him (but he is so foggy, he completely fails to recognize it). They want even less time. So I have stuck to the Court's decision of Standard Visitation. We are not in plan B (yet) We are in Plan D (should be final 12/1) I have become detached, and refusing to engage him. However, I am tempted to send him this, after his 8th email to me:

I am willing to work very hard with you on a child centered schedule that involves 100% shared parenting time. A schedule that allows neither parent to ever miss another day, event, holiday, or even minute if they so wish. It takes 2 - 5 years for complete recovery and surprisingly less than that before feeling rewarding results. It is a very narrow path to follow, but there is a plan out there and it can be done with lots of hard work.

The payoff just might be the greatest gift we could ever give to our children.

Other than that, I am sorry, you will have to go through my lawyer. I don't do divorce. But she does. Feel free to have your lawyer contact her.

or

contact me for Step #1. But be warned. It's a doozey and Step #1 completely falls upon you.

MB - Is it useless to attempt to talk to him while he is so foggy and the fact that we are in Plan C (and D), which is where nobody should be anyway?
-BDA