My story.....



"The evening of June 16, 2011(D-Day #1) I confronted my wife about a phone number on her cell phone account. She admitted to an EA of about 6 months, but said that there was nothing more than phone calls, text msgs and meeting at restaurants to talk. She said that there was one incident where the OM kissed her in the library parking lot, but she told me that this freaked her out and she ran away from him. To support her version that nothing else happened, she told me that the OM told her that, �He wasn�t in love with her puss.� I have never talked to my wife like this, so that fact that the OM talked to her like that and she still had anything to do with him shocked me. I called the OM this night and he denied everything, called my wife a liar and said that all business with her and me was over. I even asked him what he thought his wife would think off all the text messages between them and he said �She wouldn�t give a crap!�. I told OM to stay away from my family.

By the morning of the 17th I guess I believed that the A was not sexual, and I was feeling fairly good considering everything. We made love like we hadn�t done in a long time, and I guess I had a false sense that she had told me everything and she was where she wanted to be, with me.
The evening of June 18th (D-Day #2), I found emails that indicated there was more than my wife was telling me. There was nothing specifically saying anything about sex, but the content of the emails led me to believe more than talking was going on. Once confronted, my wife admitted that the OM asked her to meet him at a hotel so that they could put �4 walls� around them, so they could talk without the interruptions of being in public. I pushed my wife hard at this point and she admitted to 5 hotel visits, where 2 of the visits resulted in sex.

My wife told me that she ended the affair about 3 weeks after their last hotel visit. So, the A ended about 7 weeks before DDay#1. I am able to confirm that communication via text, cell phone and Facebook dropped off significantly after April 28th. My wife did tell me that she called the OM about a week prior to DDay and told him that she missed him. She said that she did not want to get back together with him, but that she just missed him. She has since told me that she does not dislike the OM, but does understand that she is not to contact him in any way.

My wife and I have been married for over 17 years and have 5 children. My faith in her was been completely shattered; I never would have thought that she would do something like this to me or her children. I do want reconciliation; I feel that I love her too much to throw everything good that we have together away. She says that she wants R, but that she doesn�t know what she needs from me. This is where everything gets real confusing for me.

We have not had the best marriage the last couple of years, but I just attributed that to being busy with kids, work, etc. We are now seeing a counselor, and my wife says that she has been lying to me for years about how she feels about us. She says that she loves me, but hasn�t been in love with me for awhile. She says that she hasn�t wanted me for awhile either. She does say that she wants to be in love with me and want me, she doesn�t know what it will take though. I feel like this is unfair, she cheated on me, I thought I was giving her everything she wanted. How was I to know, when she didn�t tell me otherwise? My wife cheated on me, why am I being told that she needs time? I think that if I would have done this to her, I would be doing whatever I could to make sure she understood that I wanted her and that I would be completely transparent.

On February 12th, (in the middle of the A), celebrating Valentine�s Day at dinner, I asked my wife if she loved me, she said �Yes�, and then asked her if she liked me, and she said �Not all the time�. This conversation then led to her being honest with me about how she felt about our relationship. She told me the things that I was doing wrong and if I wanted our marriage to work, I needed to work on correcting these things. I agreed, and proceeded to do what I thought she needed. As you can figure out by the timeline, I was working on a marriage where my wife was in the middle of an affair. This was really a hard time for me, finding out that my wife wasn�t in love with me and didn�t want me. My wife told me that things were getting better, and she really noticed the relationship with my children was getting a lot better. I did feel good about the better relationship with my children, but I could still feel something wasn�t right with my wife. I guess that is what ultimately led me to look into her cell phone account.

The OM is married(2nd time) and has several children. Unfortunately, it is inevitable that my wife and I will run into him during the school year. He has kids in the same classes as my kids, and I actually coached his son last year. The sad part is that I always suspected he was interested in my wife, but I never thought that she would let anything go beyond just his interest. My wife always said there was nothing there, I believed her. Had I acted on my suspicions early on, I could averted the physical part of the affair. In fact, my wife�s cell phone bill was almost $100 over in December, but I had also gone over my minutes that month, and she said it was calls to me that put her over her minutes also.
I just don�t know how she could lie to me like she did, sneaking text messages and phone calls when I was home, going to the hotel when I was at work, etc.

I can say that I have never felt worse. I have even felt like I wanted to die, on more than one occasion. I made plans to make sure it didn�t look like a suicide. However, I do have a real fear of going to Hell if I do that. My wife says it wouldn�t be fair to our kids if I did that. I am eating and exercising, but there are times, even at work, when I just have this great feeling of foreboding and come close to breaking down.

My wife says that she is getting tired of talking about the affair. She says it makes it hard for her to figure out exactly what she wants from me to make our marriage work. I tell her I don�t like thinking about it, but I don�t have the luxury of not thinking about it, I think about it all the time. I tell her she has the power to help me get past the affair, but she says she does not feel close enough to me to be affectionate and be physical. I really think that if I felt she wanted me and she acted like she wanted me, I could get past the affair a lot faster and easier.
Well, I have a lot of issues, it has helped that I have been able to read stuff on this website.
Thanks for listening."

Where we are today, NC has been in effect since D-Day, my wife is very remorseful, we are reading Surviving An Affair, and looking at getting additional resources from the MB website. I initially posted my story on SurvivingInfidelity.com, my wife read it, and read a lot of the responses. Some of the responses were negative, but mostly supportive. This support really helped me. I think the negative responses were mostly a result of the respondent not reading exactly what I wrote. My wife is very transparent, I know where she is and what she is doing, I know all passwords and have access to her cell phone records, she answers my questions, we are seeing an MC, listening to the MB radio show, etc. I absolutely believe that my wife is remorseful, regretful, shows compassion towards my feelings, and accepts responsibility for the choice that she made. She and I also accept responsibility for being a part of a marriage that created an environment that made an affair possible.

What I haven't done, notified the OM's wife or told anyone other than MC, confronted the OM.

I am looking forward to continuing to use this site the forum and its resources. I have read most of SAA, and I can see the errors of our ways. My wife has not read it yet, but is planning on it after I am done. I love my wife, she says she loves me....but she does not always feel close to me. We both want to work things out, just not sure which book or plan is the best route. I like what MB has, but now sure that my wife is completely sold.

My wife says that I am meeting all of her EN and then some, but she is having trouble meeting mine.

Thanks for listening.

To be honest your update is sad, while I wish you and your wife all the best you refuse to do what is required to ensure this affair is dead permanently , you are an enabler for his next affair? You not exposing the affair says you are no better than him, his wife deserves to know the truth.

Do yourself a favour and book a phone call with one of the Harley's this will be the best value for money your marriage will get.

You have come to the right place. There is a lot to learn and one heckuva roller coaster ride ahead of you.

It sounds like you have done a lot of reading and learning of MB principles.

I suggest you find out if she will join you in reading SAA and following the MB plan including counselling on the phone.

Hang on tight. You don't want to be here, but you are... and its the right place at this time for you.

This is normal. You will probably lose a lot of weight. Hang in there buddy, it gets better.

Do you have a personal counselor? Do you have meds from your physician? Anti-depresants or Xanax? Take care of yourself!

Hi DP101, welcome to Marriage Builders. The feelings your wife described above are a RESULT of the affair. When one is high on the addiction of an affair, they compare their marriage to the infatuation and decide after the fact, that it didn't stack up. It is called "rewriting history" and is a CLASSIC wayward expression. Saying that she "loves you but is not in love with you" comes as a result of a NEW POINT OF COMPARISON. Once the high of her addiction wears off, she will feel differently.

You should know that most marriages do not ever recover from adultery. They usually stay together, but they limp along in a crippled state of existance and often run into repeat affairs. If you follow this program diligently and use the steps to a) affair proof your marriage and b) create a romantic relationship, that won't be your future. This program really does work, but you have to use it in its entirety.

And lastly, surely you do plan on informing the OM's wife? This would be the right thing to do for your marriage, your wife and most especially for the OMW. The affair is much more likely to stay dead with the OMW watching from her end.

Dr Harley also suggests that the children are told the truth. To give them false explanations for the source of tension in their house teaches them dishonesty. It does not help your wife one bit for her adultery to be whitewashed to others. That is protecting her from the consequences of her behavior. So hopefully you have told your children and have plans to tell the OM's wife.

Most SAA books and advice I have heard will tell the wayward spouse that in order to recover, they will need to watch and accept a lot of pain. One author wrote that, "just when you say, dear God how much more pain can he share with me? He will open up and uncover another layer."

You're going to have to get through this. It will get better. Two years from now, you won't bring it up any more when you are recovered successfully. Some day, it will be a total Love Buster on your part to ever mention this affair again. But right now, she will need to accept that you have a lot of pain to process. And it won't go away quickly.

The fastest, most effective way to fall in love again is to schedule 20+ hours per week of undivided attention time meeting these top 4 intimate emotional needs: affection, conversation, rec companionship and sexual fulfillment. This time should be spent together without children and family, preferably out on dates together. This will make the greatest love deposits the fastest. The program does not work without this step.

My H and I sit down once a week together and schedule out our time for the next week. We write out the dates, times, planned activities, etc. It needs to be SCHEDULED, because if not, it is too easy to blow off.

Here is an article about undivided attention. here

Once you have all the facts about the affair and she has answered your questions fully and completely, you should stop talking about it. 'Just because you think about it, does not mean you have to talk about it. Talking about it helps keep it live in your mind and it also ruins your time with your wife when you are trying to transform your marriage. Talking about the affair is an enemy of good conversation.

So, I would tie up loose ends by finishing your exposures, and then drop the affair. Presuming she has answered ALL your questions openly and honestly...

DP,

You've taken important steps to recover your marriage, but you MUST, MUST, MUST tell OM's wife about the affair.

I also strongly recommend that you find ways to make sure you never interact with him and his family in any way again.

You stand no chance at recovery if these things aren't done.

And I agree with what gloveoil said. You don't book hotel rooms to talk. It's straight up for sex.

Think about it as a man. Would you book a hotel with a woman you're seeing to sit and talk because you have no place else to talk?

No. She hasn't come fully clean about her affair.

You will not save your marriage unless steps are taken to ensure this never happens again, which includes exposing the affair to OM's wife.

She won't want you to, of course. She'll say that you ruined his life and will run to his defense.

It's her actions that led to this. You're just taking steps to prevent anything further in the future.

My wife is very transparent, I know where she is and what she is doing, I know all passwords and have access to her cell phone records, she answers my questions, we are seeing an MC, listening to the MB radio show, etc. I absolutely believe that my wife is remorseful, regretful, shows compassion towards my feelings, and accepts responsibility for the choice that she made. She and I also accept responsibility for being a part of a marriage that created an environment that made an affair possible....I have read most of SAA, and I can see the errors of our ways. My wife has not read it yet, but is planning on it after I am done. I love my wife, she says she loves me
Obviously all this goes to the "good" side of the ledger.

...but she does not always feel close to me.
Why do you suppose that is?

What I haven't done, notified the OM's wife or told anyone other than MC, confronted the OM.
Well, here's the answer. WW is NOT completely out of the mental part of her affair, BECAUSE HER HUSBAND HADN'T THE COURAGE TO "KILL" IT. When she needs mental/emotional strokes, instead of coming to you, developing that "closeness", she returns in her mind to the lovely days of being in OM's arms, and having two men taking care of her EN's.

WWs differ from WHs in that the "brain" portion of the affair is far more important than the "gonad" portion. You may have succeeded in keeping their groins apart, but her heart and mind is free to return to him whenever necessary, because she knows he's still there.

And (as seemingly counter-intuitive as it may be) being that stern, retaliatory SOB wielding the torch of exposure goes a long way to show a struggling WW that her BH is tough enough, and cares enough about her, for her to invest the effort to reconcile totally with him.

But, being scared of taking decisive action (exposure to OMW, etc) you are willing to settle for the sickly, crippled version of a marriage that you have. Good Luck with that.

I have a couple of questions:

First, can our MC also be my IC or her IC?

Second, how do I know for sure that my wife is telling the truth? I believe that she is telling me the truth about the hotel visits, that they started with talking and kissing and got more involved with each visit. I actually know the dates of the hotel visits(a little investigation), so the number that she told me is truthful, then why would I not believe what she told me about what happened at the hotel. I have heard, "trust, but verify", so she told me 5 visits, I found 5 visits, she did not know that I knew the number before she told me.

I will tell the OM's wife, I just haven't decided when. My wife is in support of me telling the OM's wife also, she has asked that I let her know immediately after I do it, so that she can tell the kids.

I really don't think that there has been a violation of NC, initially before I "knew" anything about MB, I told her and she agreed that there would be no 3rd chance, if she made contact with him, she would move out.

Obviously I have no way of knowing whether she still feels anything for him. She says that she is over him, and doesn't think about him other than when we talk about the A. She has been honest about some horribly painful things, ie she felt madly in love with him, she could kiss and get physical with him and not me, she felt good with him, so when she says that she is over him, I tend to believe her.

If I had all the answers, I wouldn't be on here. I also understand that everyone's experience is not the same. Our MC says that the OM's wife has every right to know, but in the same breath, says that kids being involved complicates things. I have heard from people from one extreme to the other that say, the A should be outed to everyone or the A should be outed only to the OM's wife.

I am leaning towards the Online Course, with Coach. Other than SAA, what other media or courses did people find most helpful. I am willing to do whatever it takes. My wife is not as willing as I am, but she is coming around. She has started to read SAA and says that it is real good. She is however only 50 pages into it.

Well, I am sorry to say that your wife is still lying. They did not hold hands and read scripture in the hotel rooms. The way to resolve this is to schedule a polygraph and tell her 2 days before the appointment. Tell her you are doing this FOR HER so she can prove her story. Tell her that the story doesn't ring true and that is not fair of you to doubt her when she is telling the truth. Then hand her a list of questions and give her one last chance to come clean before the test. But that you do expect her to pass the test.

Usually, they sing like a canary when you do this.

Can I ask why you want to see an IC?


I would get this done today. Since you have told your wife you plan on doing this she will likely FOREWARN the OM so he can spin you as a crazy nut job. So, you need to get this done NOW. And you need to be the one to tell the kids. She is fogged out and it is important that they get the truth.


It is very unlikely she would tell you if she made contact. You will have to snoop on your own to make sure contact is ended.


Of course the affair should be outed to everyone in your family. Anyone who says that it is ok to lie to kids doesn't know what they are doing. It is wrong to lie to kids and helps no one. That path cannot be defended. TElling your family members provides support for your marriage and also serves to hold her accountable.


The best course that I know of is the Marriage Builders online course. My H and I took this course when it was held at various hotels across the country and it transformed our marriage. The nice thing about it is that you are assigned a coach who guides your lessons every week and you have daily access to Dr Harley. I don't know of any other course/marriage program that effectively restores the romance in a marriage.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

Thank you MelodyLane! I look forward to sharing this information with my wife. And I look forward to the continued support and insight.

I just feel like I would be hurting my wife more than she already is, by outing her to her family, my family and friends. I see the pain that she is in now, I don't want her to hurt more, to me that is counterproductive to Love Units being put in the Love Bank.

I have access to all of her email accts, her Facebook and cell phone records. She calls or texts me when she leaves the house, and when she gets to where she was headed, and vice versa. She tries to always have one of the kids with her when she goes to town. I have told the kids that this particular person is considered a stranger and is off-limits, so if they did see him I think they would tell me.

I am going to try the lie detector route, not sure it is available in my area.

I feel sometimes like I need the IC to deal with feelings that I am having. I am not sure that I need to go, but I have seen that recommendation in different threads. I have seen and IC and MC recommended. I don't know.

DON'T SHARE THIS WITH YOUR WIFE UNTIL AFTER YOU EXPOSE.

She is NOT your partner in all of this right now. She is an addict and you need to expose her, fully and completely.

Do this NOW and DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE UNTIL AFTER IT IS DONE.

I didn't intend to share everything, just the info that MelodyLane gave me about telling children.

DP, you might check with your local police station and ask if they can recommend any poly graph testers. Very often they tend to be former law enforcement officers.

I understand you need support for the feelings you are having, but you should know that counselors, in general, are not recommended because they are so destructive to marriages. An IC can help you with individual issues, but it is not really necessary. Marriage counselors actually have a higher divorce rate than the general population.

And whatever you do, I would not bring your wife here until you have exposed the affair to the OM's wife and your children, just to be safe.

As far as exposing to your family, that does not hurt your wife and is not a love buster. It helps her recover and gives you both support for your marriage.

DP, one other thing to watch out for. I would keep your eyes opened for a secret cell phone. When a WW knows her H is wAtching, the usual strategy is to buy a secret cell phone. Do you have GPS on her car? That is usually suggested in these situations. One way is to install eblaster on her cell phone - it costs about $65 and will send you location reports as she moves along with texts, phone logs, etc. It seems to be much easier than putting a GPS on a car.

Well, I emptied my wife's love bank last night. I asked her if she remembered offering to do a polygraph, and she said yes(she thought we had them at work and I could bring one home). I asked her if she would still be willing to take one, she said she would, and asked when it was scheduled. I told her when, and she seemed ok at first, she never said that she wouldn't take the test, but she got angry and said she was looking forward to the test, she hoped I felt bad after she passed. I failed and didn't follow the MB principles, I completely threw out everything that I have read and believe that will work. Yelling, judgments, disrespect, the whole gamut, I was horrible and resentful. I did not protect her or care for her.

My wife does not have a phone that I can install eblaster. She has a basic call and text phone, no internet.

She has asked that I put GPS in all the cars, software on the computer and to put a tap on the landline. She also asked if I would put tracking on the phone, this can be done through the provider, at additional expense.

I feel sometimes like I am moving backwards and not forward. My wife has answered every question I have asked, she has agreed to every condition that I have imposed, ie NC, transparency, telling me when she leaves the house, when she arrives at her destination, takes the kids with her when she goes, etc. I really don't know what more I should expect from her. She ended the affair, she says she has no feelings for him. She has agreed to take every step that I have asked of her. Does it not seem like she is holding up her end? Doing what is necessary to recover? She has given me no reason, since D-Day to not believe what she is telling me. She tells me she is scum, a 2nd class citizen, a horrible person. She knows it was wrong, she admits it was wrong, she wishes she could take it back, she cries when I am sad because she knows she is responsible, she has accepted responsibility.

It is my fault that the OM's wife has not been told. My wife has agreed that I should do it. She has said that I can tell whomever I want, she just would like to know who I tell.

Am I in the FOG?