My sweet friend guided me over to this site. It sucks that SHE had to be here years ago and it sucks that I�m here now.

My faith in life-long marriage is quickly dwindling�

I definitely need advice.

I am on day 15 since D-Day.

I actually thought our marriage was pretty solid. WH and I are both Christians and were/are very involved in our faith. I thought that God was the center of our marriage, and as such, he would never hurt me like this. Sure, we�ve had our problems, but they were never BAD. No yelling. No cussing. Some communication issues and distance, but I thought that was kind of par for the course.

About a month ago, things started to change. He was staying up till 4am, down in his office on the computer (he works from home, which I think is part of the problem---he has no �in real life� interaction during the day). I asked him a couple of times if he was up all night talking with his internet girlfriend, but of course he denied that.

Finally, 2 weeks ago, after putting our 6-year-old daughter to bed, he confessed.

He�s been having an internet affair with a woman in Australia (we live in North America, so this is MAJOR long distance) for three months and he LOVES her.

The kicker, though, is that he is completely convinced that he is POLYAMOROUS and created to love more than one woman at a time, without any feelings of jealousy. His Australian internet �ho is also married, and her husband knows about the affair and is okay with it because THEY�RE poly too.
WH maintains that he still loves me (because, after all, he is wired to love more than one woman at a time), but knows that I won�t accept an open marriage, so feels it�s best that we separate (and eventually divorce).

I think this polyamory stuff is BS and goes against everything that WH and I have ever believed. I also think that he came up with this excuse to help him deal with the guilt he felt from his internet affair. WH insists that the Australian Homewrecker is the only one he�s ever had an affair with and that she�s the only �other woman� right now. I actually believe him.

When I searched his computer, though, I saw that he had joined a local polyamorous online group. This group meets in real life occasionally and I am SO SCARED that this will all escalate into a PA with multiple partners.

The affair has been completely exposed---EVERYONE knows about it. I am living with my parents while he stays in the house until he can find his own place. We have a 6-year old daughter together (who happens to be disabled, which only intensifies my fear in this whole situation, since raising her alone would be SO HARD).

We have gone for couples counseling twice in the past 2 weeks. Both times, WH has stuck to his guns that he�s polyamorous, was made this way, and feels that it�s better to be �true to himself� than live a lie with me.

I know that he is completely addicted to the Australian �ho, because he�s on the computer with her ALL THE TIME. He has very few in real life friends, since we live in MY hometown and all our friends were mine first. So, now, he�s stuck at home (where he works) all day and evening, with the only real life contact being from our daughter occasionally.

I have stopped communicating with him about anything other than our daughter or finances, but I really can�t go completely dark because of our daughter and the circumstances surrounding her. I am desperate for this marriage to work. I �want� it to stay as an EA only, and am very scared that he�s gonna keep sliding downward and start swinging in real life.

How do I react to this polyamorous twist? What do I do now?

Manic, people's beliefs usually follow their actions. Once your husband got addicted to his affair lifestyle, his principles were rewritten in whatever way they needed to be in order to justify it. You can't listen to it, and you can't reason against it. What you can do is follow the plans here to fight the affair and kill it so it will quit affecting your husband's brain and bring him back to his senses.

Have you read Dr. Harley's section on this website for surviving an affair?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Manic, we had almost exactly this same question a couple of weeks ago. You might benefit from some of the responses there:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=164280&Number=2533278#Post2533278

Ha! That was actually my "sweet friend" who posted that question about ME! Your responses definitely made me feel "better"...because up till that point, I was looking at this situation as though the polyamory crap was the thing to beat. But, really, it all comes down to the same thing: he's having an affair, he's addicted, and he's crazy right now.

There is nothing special about his polymory twist. He tasted sin, liked the way it made him feel, and found a reason to excuse the sin in his mind.

You react just as you would for any other EA. Good for you on exposing!

Exactly. Everything he says right now is just hogwash.

ManicMonday, this isn't a new twist on affairs, it is just a different spin on the fog babble. There have been WSs who have had multiple APs at the same time. When your morals take a hike, sometimes they go far.

You need to deal with this affair the same way any other affair is dealt with. You say that "everyone" knows, who is everyone exactly? Have you told his family, yours, OW's? Any mutual friends.

Part of MB is that you will Plan A until you Plan B. That means that you WILL have to go dark. Why do you believe that you are unable to go dark on him? Maybe we can help you figure this out.

Everyone knows. All our friends (I've contacted all his friends from his hometown too). All our family. Our church. Everyone at work. Since this is an internet affair and the OW is from so far away, I don't really have any way of letting people in her life know...although, from the emails I've snooped at, her husband obviously knows and he's fine with it (there's even correspondance between my WH and the OW's husband....my WH was asking the OW's husband for "advice" on polyamory...SICK!!).

WH isn't denying the affair to anyone. His confessions and verbal interactions with our friends (those who are still willing to talk to him) center around the polyamory and that he has discovered that he was CREATED this way, and that he's being his TRUE SELF now, and it's not really about the affair because if it wasn't the Australian Homewrecker, it'd be someone else.

I don't know how to "Plan A" it when he's not willing to give up the OW...in fact, it seems like he's probably looking for MORE women to have affairs with now.

As for going completely dark...how do I do that with a young child, especially one that has such special needs? He will insist on being part of her educational meetings and therapy sessions (which I also demand to be part of). We have also agreed on a visitation/custody schedule, and there is really no one who can be the intermediary for drop off/pick ups. Not sure how to go about this?

Well, you should give yourself a few weeks to Plan A, while getting ready for Plan B. What you will need to do about educational and therapy sessions is either have them done separately or you switch off on them. Look into parallel parenting. Is there no where and no one who can handle drop offs and pick ups? There is always a way to stay dark.

You will need to do this fully, or not at all. Plan B is WORSE when done incorrectly. You will need this for your own emotional well being.

It CAN be done, there will need to be some things that you can't be part of, but it will need to be done to be its most effective.

It really wont matter what he insists when you're in plan B!!! You will be in the driving seat not him.

Important things get messed up by affairs. That is a consequence he chose, so let him have it.

He cant be 'polyamorous' AND a devoted family man. Dont let him cake eat by giving him the best of both worlds. Plan B is about showing the wayward spouse exactly what they give up by not being part of the marriage any more.

Do you own "Surviving An Affair"?

Our separation agreement states that he be involved in all of our daughter's education and therapy, so I can't LEGALLY insist he not attend these meetings. And I really need to be a part of them as well.

Ugh, this is all so stupid! I know that you've all thought that before of your situations too. I still feel like this is a bad nightmare and that CERTAINLY, now that the fall-out has started to happen, WH would be kicked into reality...but, so far, NUDDA.

I think, you can have separate meetings with educators and therapists.You tell them you and WH have no direct contact due to the dynamics of the situation, that you are not able to but will meet with them separatly. WH can make his own appointments to meet with them. Each meet seperately and an IM can deal with communicating decisions between you two.

Be creative. Politely detach when you go to plan B but detach from direct contact and unimportant contact (lots is not important that we once thought was when you get down to it).

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The affair has been completely exposed---EVERYONE knows about it. I am living with my parents while he stays in the house until he can find his own place. We have a 6-year old daughter together (who happens to be disabled, which only intensifies my fear in this whole situation, since raising her alone would be SO HARD).

Why did YOU move out of the house? Is your daughter with you? With a disabled child it should have been pro forma that you would get exclusive use of the marital home. Who cares if he doesn't have a place to stay, he can sleep in a tent if he can't get a hotel room.

As an aside - what is up with Australia? So many threads on this site about internet affairs, consummated or not, with Australians.

MM, you don't legally have to be in touch with him. You need to tell your lawyer that you will be cutting off all contact and he needs to make sure you are covered. Find an IM, even if it is your friend who posted for you, but you should be ruled out.

Will he move out?

Also, when you talk to him make it clear this is adultery, plain and simple. You said you exposed to family and friends, did all of those people contact him and try to influence him to stop his adultery?

Oh wow. You moved out?

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I still feel like this is a bad nightmare and that CERTAINLY, now that the fall-out has started to happen, WH would be kicked into reality...but, so far, NUDDA.

File for divorce, when he sees how much it will cost for support of a long term spouse and a disabled child, monogamy will come back into fashion real quick. Your husband sounds like a froot loop - sure you want him back?

I know. It's stupid that *I'm* the one out of the house, but, honestly, I felt like I couldn't be alone and I wanted to live with my parents (they have plenty of space at their place). My daughter is with me. Also, since WH works from home, he would need to get another office somewhere to continue that. Right now, I'm so worried about money, that I'm willing to let him live in the house for a bit if it means he keeps his job. Without his financial support, I'm doubly screwed.

I'm a little confused with "trying Plan A for a bit". Is Plan A even do-able if he's unwilling to give up the OW?

You know, it might be better for her this way because her parents can help her with the child and add some much needed stability. In that case, you are in a position to go into Plan B pretty soon. And the sooner the better.

Yes, EVERYONE (other than the internet whore) is telling him that he's a loser and needs to STOP THIS immediately! NO ONE in real life is supporting his decision. But, obviously, the OW has this magical hold on him, because all this outside pressure isn't doing anything to make him realize what he's done and what he's about to give up...