After much thought about how things would need to be if my wife and I seperate, I have come to one single problem that I need some advice on.

We live in a small town, my wife is not interested in any effort to fix the marriage, and has suggested we learn to live together for the sake of the kids.


I completely disagree with doing this, but here's the problem:

First, she will not leave. I have asked 3 times and she refuses to leave and refuses to work on the marriage.
Second, I cannot leave and take the children because there is nothing available where I live to rent or buy. This is no joke, I am I have looked, and it is a town of 300 people out in the middle of no-where.
Third, she will not be an active participant in discussing other options.
Fourth, i will not leave without the kids.

So, the only option I see here is to set up a room for one of us to use, live together but seperated, and wait for something to come available.

Is there an option I havent thought of?
If we do seperate and live together, how do we tell the kids and how will this effect them? I hate the idea of putting the kids through this but I just don't see how to avoid it?? thanks for any advice

File for a divorce and get exclusive use of the marital home as well as custody of the children. That is the option that I see that wouldn't have you living together in this craziness.

Where are you up to? Exposure done? Have you plan A'd for the appropriate time and now its time for Plan B?

If so Put her bags on the curb and change the locks.

If you feel like being kind, give her one more chance to lift a finger to help your marriage before you do this.

I looked at your past posts and you seem to have been in the same place in 2006/2008? What happened there? Plan A and Plan B lasts two years and then you divorce... Was a recovery plan followed?

If Legal Separation is in your state, that would be ideal.
Talk to lawyers to find out what is available to you.

If you legally separate, you can ask for the children to live with you in the family home. Then, she MUST go. Be gone. Be out. No choice.

She has her choices to rebuild the marriage and keep the family or not. Her choice.

Yours is what to do until/unless she chooses to do it.

Wife does not view any issues in teh past as emotional affairs. She does not want to go to counselling or even do some reading and questionairees from this website. She wants to behave teh ways she does and refuses to change.

I have failed plan b by intiating SF, so I need to get out of the situation. I plan to sleep in a different bedroom until things are fixed or anothe rplace becomes available.

Its not just the EA's, there are several thigns I have put up with, allowing boundaries to be crossed, and I just won't do it anymore. I don't know why i still initiate sf, or fall for soem of her manipulations for money etc.... so since i keep doing that and enabling as well as probably confusing her, I need to seperate from her in a way that clearly shows her I am not giving in this time. Getting out of the bedroom will make it easier to stay focused.
At bedtime I keep putting the issues aside to allow for SF which is wrong and I know it.

So to answer your question, I guess I am moving into plan B again, hopefully with soem success this time and doing it right.

It doesnt matter if she does or not - you exposed them as EAs didn't you?

Plan A and B are tools for you to use, she doesnt participate and shouldnt know about them.

How long have you been Plan Aing her? Did this include exposure to all concerned and did you stop all lovebusters and meet her needs while insisting she end her affair?

You might need to call Dr H. From what I understand men have to do a stellar Plan A before Plan B but it sounds like you have been doing Plan C and enabling for a long time. So Im not sure where that leaves you.

I also dont know what you mean that SF caused you to end plan B? In Plan B you have no contact at all, so how would you have SF without contact?

I would file for divorce and get her out of your house. If you consult with an attorney tell him to file on your behalf and get an order to move her out.

You can't move into plan B living in the same house.

You were not in plan B. Not at all.

You can not be in plan B and live in the same home.
You can not be in plan B and talk,text,email,write letters.

You get in plan B by getting her out of the house (by legal means if needed), writing a beautiful love letter with the guidelines to a marriage with you spelled out which you hand her once you are done with plan A, an intermediary to handle all truly important financial or child oriented issues and you turn away from needing to control the outcome of the marriage and you move into your future with or without her.

Then, that is the end of the marriage as you knew it. She either chooses to meet your criteria stated in your plan B letter to be married to you or she doesn't. Either way, you win. Either result is better than living in a warped relationship, no matter how much love you feel for her.

Mel if memory serves, havent you posted a radio clip on here about a guy in a similar position? He was Plan Aing his WW for something like two years? Might be misremembering but Dr Harley said it was enabling and he must move into Plan B straight away....?

Indiegirl, that is right. Plan A is 6 months for men. If the affairs don't stop after 2 years, it is hopeless and time to move on. Langaan, you need to get her out and divorce her. This is a dead dog.