Hi - REALLY lost and need help. My wife of 10 years had an affair and is pregnant. Of course I'm completely devastated, crushed, heartbroken... I still love my wife and have spent the past month trying to reconcile this and decide what to do. If it were only the affair, I think I could get through this. But the illegitimate child seems to be a showstopper for me - I simply can't see myself making the hard sacrifices required to raise this child; I'm 52 and have two grown children from another marriage. This is not what I saw as my life for the next 2 decades, at which time I'll be 70+. My wife is 42, ten years younger.

I really do love my wife, but I can't look at her without seeing the betrayal (because she's 5 months preg and getting bigger every day!). She was my precious and cherished partner and my friend. I no longer feel that - everything we've spent 10 years creating is tarnished - damaged. Again, I think I could work through all of that, but then there's the child. This child, what she represents, offends me to my very soul.

So, my question is:

How do men deal with this? Embracing another man's child, created from betrayal and adultery? I honestly am blind to this and can't see how it would be possible to love and/or accept this child and what it represents.

Thanks in advance,
RockRat

Question 1 - How do you know the child is not yours? Did you have a vasectomy or have you not had sex with your wife around the time of conception?

Question 2 - Why do you want to save your marriage? Why do you say you still love your wife and then a paragraph later you say that you don't feel that way anymore? Need to make up your mind about this one before you make any decision.

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can't see how it would be possible to love and/or accept this child and what it represents.

For most men it isn't. Certainly wouldn't be for me, I would have already been out the door, especially if there are no COM.

The good:

If you get divorced now, you probably don't have to worry about spousal support and definitely not on the hook for child support, unless of course the child is actually yours.

The bad:

You could possibly be able to save your marriage without having to deal with an OC if your wife consents to give up the child for adoption. If she doesn't and forces you into a decision and you decide you want to stay, you could also establish the paternity and make the OM pay child support.

The ugly:

You do something stupid like acknowledge you are the putative father, and your wife waits a couple of years to file for divorce after she finds another soulmate, and you get stuck for both child support and alimony because the marriage is well beyond ten years and there are no more grounds like you have now. When you accept the child as yours, knowing that it isn't, you can't walk into court later and get it changed.

There's nothing that says you HAVE TO accept this child, legally you have a get out of jail free card when it comes to your divorce. No one here is going to tell you you're wrong to do so.

Thanks so much Americajin - all good thoughts and things to consider. Yes, I had a vasectomy 20+ years ago and know it's still good, as we both had fertility tests approx. 1.5 years ago. My wife knew she wanted a child, and after careful consideration, I agreed to bless her with what she wanted/needed. Instead of reversing my vas and going the natural route, we chose adoption. Spent the past 12 months getting trained and licensed through the state. That makes this just that much harder - I was willing to support her need/desire, and raise a child with her. But not this way, not by way of betrayal.

I know it sounds like I'm contradicting myself, but I do still love her. It's just that everything we were, and everything we built is now 'different' including the way I used to see her, as my beloved. Maybe I love her because I love her and that's just the way I'm wired, but maybe I'm no longer in love with her. I don't know - I'm so brutally hurt I don't know which end is up.

One last point - I've tried visualizing my life with her and without her - am unable to see my life without her - yet. I can see a life with her, but not with the child. She would NEVER give it up - she would lose me before giving up the child.

Thanks again - I appreciate any and all feedback and thoughts...

RockRat

Rockrat,

Welcome to MB. How long ago was your DDay? (discovery day). Has your WW (wayward wife) discontinued all contact with her OM (other man)? Is she being transparent with you? Before even considering R (reconcilliation) or not talk, I am curious where SHE is with her A (affair). How long (if at all) has the affair been over? Who is the OM? Does he know about the OC (other child)? Does he want to raise this child?

Next, what are the laws in your state regarding a child born within the boundaries of a marriage? I ask because you do not have to decide TODAY whether to D or not. You can choose to work on the M as long as you know how long LEGALLY you have to contest paternity of the OC.

BTW, if OM wants to be in the picture...that would be a deal breaker for me. My H has an OC. We have visitation. Contact with the xOW pretty much dooms my M to never fully healing. Long story about why we don't have an intermediary. Anyway, Dr. Harley recommends in the M's where the WW is pregnant that the BH raise the OC as his own if he is willing.

You have a lot of thinking to do.

"She would NEVER give it up - she would lose me before giving up the child."

Well, I think you have your answer right there. If she isn't making you the #1 priority in this scenario that she has created and doing what it takes to make you feel justly compensated, I don't see how your marriage can survive. Mine certainly didn't and I went through a very similar situation.

Dr. Harley's POJA is essential to successful marriages and even more so in severely damaged ones like yours. Unfortunately, you seem to be caught in a Catch 22 similar to my own - giving up the child would make you happy but not her while keeping the child would be a deal breaker for you but not her. In other words, the POJA is extremely difficult to implement in your case.

I would tell her your true feelings - that you cannot raise the child as your own. If she can't accept them and the consequences they bring (giving OC up for adoption), she doesn't accept you or the marriage. IMO, she is the one who should bend over backwards to save the marriage, not you, since she was the betrayer. In fact, this is the only way your marriage will heal going forward - there needs to be just compensation made to you. Once you are brutally honest with her (and hopefully her with you), you'll be able to see where each of you stands and whether the marriage is salvageable. Believe me, you can live without a wayward! Even one you are in love with.

Please don't feel guilty that you can't stomach raising the OC! It is an extremely difficult thing to do. This isn't your cross to bear. It is your wife's alone. That being said, over time, it is possible to develop strong feelings for the OC. I think you may surprise yourself especially when you see how innocent and precious the child is. In other words, it is very possible that you would be emotionally able to raise this child as your own. I have learned to never underestimate the emotional endurance of human beings - it can be astounding! The question is, is your wife worth the extreme anguish you'll have to go through to raise the OC? My prayers are with you two in this difficult time.

well said!

RR, I am so sorry this has happened to you. This is a terrible, tough situation. Affairs are hard enough but situations that involve an OC are 10x more difficult. And doomed to failure unless a very specific path is followed.

Only you know if you can endure an OC. There is absolutely no virtue in staying in such an untenable situation if you can't stand it. And I assure you that you won't be in love for long under these conditions. You will fall out of love if you haven't already and might very well be better off getting a divorce. There is no shame in that and you would be fully within your rights.

But I have some questions for you.

1. did your wife get pregnant on purpose?

2. has she ended all contact with the OM? Does she plan on never seeing or talking to him again? What is his attitude towards it?

3. is the OM married, and if so, does his wife know?

I find it very disturbing that she places this child before her marriage which does not bode well for the future of your marriage.

PLEASE listen to Dr Harley's clip on this type of problem and read his post:


Radio Clip with Dr Harley about pregnancy from an affair: click here

RR, as someone who has been in your WW's shoes, as a wayward with an OC I can't imagine that your wife would fault you for ending the M. If you do decide it's too much, you will need to make sure that you're not on the birth certificate (most states assume husband is father unless proven otherwise). She will need to put OM on there so that you're not financially responsible.

However, if you do decide to stay in the M, you can have a chance at happiness as a family. In my case my BH decided to stay with me and raise OC as our own (OM is involved, though). However, keep in mind a few things as you make this decision:

1. What conditions created the environment for an A to be desirable for your WW? Have those issues been resolved in your M so that you don't keep committing the same LBs (love busters)? With a baby on the way, you'll need to make extra effort to have love and romance in your M to keep it fulfilling for you both down the line. Are you prepared for that kind of emotional investment?

2. This will be very very hard on your M recovery if the OM is involved, unless you have an intermediary handle baby transfers. When my BH was doing it all it was hard on both of our recovery, so we have recently switched to an IM (various people help so we don't have to deal with a stranger) and it's made things so much better for us. We consider OM a "glorified babysitter" and have no contact and are doing amazingly well since using an IM. Dr. Harley is right about NO CONTACT for life between WW and OM, and it even helps protect M if BH has no contact too. If OM is out of the picture, well, I'd kill to be in your shoes!

3. If you decide to accept child as yours at birth, that child will be yours for life. My BH would have it no other way; he adores OC, and when that baby is born and you're the first one to hold it you may feel the same. Maybe you won't. Don't blame yourself if you cannot get over it. What your WW did was unforgivable and a devestating blow that warrants D. But you never know how you'll feel about OC until you bond. If you do decide to accept this child, that means that in the event of a D in the future, you may be financially responsible unless you go to court. So in making this decision, understand that this is a lifelong decision--either to move on to a fresh start, or to embrace a child for life.

Sadly, there are many who have walked in your shoes, RR. You are not alone in this. And either decision you make would be the right one. But you can have a happy M with an OC once you give yourself the time to heal and follow Dr. H's guidelines to help A-proof your M and fall in love again. But if you find it impossible to truly forgive your WW, D may be the best option. The only way BH and I could move forward was through unbelievable forgiveness and willingness to change and make sacrifices. Without it we would have never survived this situation.

We're here for you, RR, along with lots of prayers.

Thanks so much everyone for your kind and very helpful Q&A - originally she lied and said she had invitro-fert, since we were talking about that anyway, but it was a lie and I saw through it. She admitted the affair about a month ago. I told her ZERO contact with the OM and she agreed. She's been extremely repentant and tells me every day she wants the marriage, that she loves me and me alone and always has. Again, she says she's 100% committed to the marriage and will do whatever it takes to keep 'us' together. But, I guarantee if she had to choose between me and the OC, I'd be out. Honestly I haven't asked, so that's the next step. We see a marriage counselor next Monday.

This week is our 10 year anniversary, so a bit harder this week.

Since the DDay, I found out she's still had some communication with the OM. I found his contact info and told him we would meet, whether or not he agreed. Also told him I would make sure his wife knew. Definitely need to get a lawyer and see where I stand legally. I don't know if the OM wants or expects any contact - need to find that out too. Even if he doesn't, IF I stay in the marriage, I would likely sue him for child support.

Again, thanks so much everyone - I'm so grateful for this resource and for all of you who have responded. Will reply later and answer specific questions to those who've asked.

RockRat

RR, I would inform his wife like YESTERDAY in addition to demanding that your wife end all contact for life. Otherwise this hopeless. In order to ever recover, your wife must agree to end all contact for life with the OM and to give you just compensation. Unless she will do that there is nothing here to save. Adultery is about the worst possible love buster and until she stops and make amends, there is no future.

I would tell his wife with no forewarning whatsoever to your wife.

P.s. I would reconsider going after child support if you decide to stay in the marriage. That will entitle this loser to visitation and keep him hanging around for 18 years. No amount of money is worth that. You will want to do everything in your power to get him out of your lives.

Mel is 100% correct about the child support issue, RR. If you have any desire to save your M, keep OM AWAY! Do not seek cs, do not seek anything from him. If he stays away you can raise the child as your own, which the courts will likely list you as father anyways unless OM contests it. If you push for cs you could end up with a 50/50 arrangment (very common nowadays), which means he could end up paying very little (maybe nothing, if your wife works) and you're forced to deal with him constantly.

Before you meet with OM or make any decisions, please seek MB counsel as we've been through this and can explain the hazards of various options before you walk into them.

Also, my BH (who was in your shoes) has a few questions he advises asking yourself before you decide to stay in M or leave. These questions made it clear to him what the right choice for him was. I'll get those questions for you later, RR, since it may help give you clarity. To be continued...

Man, you're in a tough spot! I feel for you RR. Any insight into why she had the affair? Do you think it was with the express intent of getting pregnant? I ask because it sounds like you two have had an outstanding relationship up until now so it doesn't make sense for her to step out of the marriage if things had been going well. If she did it just to get pregnant, I think you guys would have more of a shot at saving this thing. Since she's 42 and nearing the end of her child bearing years, I wouldn't put it past her to use the affair as a way to have biological children, especially if you have had a vasectomy. I could be totally off base but, it is one of the suspicions I would have if I were in your shoes.

However, at the end of the day, if she doesn't put you before the OC, your marriage is as good as done. You guys need to start POJAing hardcore if you want to salvage it. The problem is, if you demand adoption, at age 42, she probably can't enthusiastically agree to give the baby up. Even if she did, she would resent you making her do it. It's a shame too since there are so many fantastic families that would love to adopt a beautiful baby!

Did WW get pregnant on purpose?
What does she say when asked?

RR, once you get all of the facts from WW, my BH had a list of questions that he asked himself and weighed the answers to when determining whether to work on the M or leave. Here's the questions he asked himself, which we felt may help you figure out what you want:

1. Do you think she will do this again?

2. Has she expressed remorse and a true repentance? Have you seen evidence of change?

3. Are you at all responsible for creating a home environment that would make an A tempting? If so, is that issue fixable or already fixed?

4. Do you still love your wife?

5. Do you still want to raise a child with her?

6. Are you willing to part with your current lifestyle and quality of life? This may include family and friends.

7. Can you accept a life of singlehood if there isn't anyone else out there for you?

These questions may help you see where your heart is at and what the potential for recovery is. I hope this helps, RR.

Also, I highly recommend e-mailing the Harleys and talking to them. They have incredible ability to see into the situation and ask all the right questions to help you.

wanthealing, the most important question is missing and that is: CAN I FORGIVE MY WIFE FOR WHAT SHE HAS DONE?

See, that is the most critical question. Asking himself if he was responsible for creating the environment does not answer that question and is not relevant if he hasn't even decided if he wants the marriage.

I have no doubt he does love his wife, but that is not the issue. The issue is if he can overcome the resentment and continue the marriage under these conditions. His love won't last long if he cannot overcome the resentment. And most people cannot. That is a very individual, personal decision. We all know best what we can or can't tolerate.


There is always someone else out there. We have so many happily re-married couples on this forum. The Marriage Builders program equips people to make better matches and create much better marriages. I don't want him to be discouraged about the likelihood of finding someone more suitable.

Good points, Mel. I agree that forgiveness is the most important one. These are the questions my BH asked himself when trying to determine what he really wanted, and I'm sure there are many I'm missing (such as the question if he could deal with an OM for the rest of his life), but he wanted to consider all possible outcomes--even an outcome where he didn't end up with someone else. (After all, I believe this is RR's second marriage, so one has to consider why the previous M failed.) There's no guaranteed happily ever after, so each person needs to consider possible realistic outcomes to make an educated decision.

My point is that it's not easy to know what you really want until you start asking yourself things that help guide you along possible acceptible outcomes--with or without WW, with or without OM, single or not.

It is true there are no guaranteed outcomes, but if he uses this program in his next marriage, he would come pretty close. Just because his last and current marriages were bad, doesn't mean he is damned to repeat those mistakes. He can have a happy marriage in the future without all this baggage. That is a very realistic consideration. For example, I am in my 3rd marriage and it is great because we have implemented this program. His future is very hopeful if he uses this program.

That's true, Mel, and if this is something RR cannot forgive (understandably so) I think he should move on to a more hopeful future. In this case I'm not really for or against the marriage surviving (knowing firsthand how hard it can be to recover from), though I'd love to see them work through this if they can. Ultimately one shouldn't make a decision out of fear of the unknown, but there are practical realities to consider, and that's all my BH was trying to offer. But like you said, if RR applies MB to any future relationship--even this current one--he can have a thriving marriage.

Very good post, Mel. Stated very succinctly why I am here, and I am sure that there are a lot of others here that use the principles here for maintenance as opposed to crisis resolution.