Your wife has not opposed exposure, the only reason you are not doing so is your fear. Expose , there is only one way to say this, expose.

Take control, lead the family, follow the MB guidelines without diluting them.

DP, OK, so you had a bad night. Yes, you do need to avoid LB'ing her, but as I see it, your W was much more in the wrong here.

She hoped you would feel bad after she takes/passes the poly? Seriously??? That was uncalled for on her part. She's the one who had the A, she should be doing whatever it takes, whatever you need, if she's serious about saving your M. Reminds me of some of the crap I said to my H early on in our recovery attempts, before I knew what LB's were and begain actively trying to avoid them.

I wish I knew what to advise re:


This is where my H and I were at - I mean, I can't speak for his thoughts, but he did tell me on several occasions that it was b/c of what I was doing (trying to recover) that he was still in the M. Ultimately, though, no matter what I did as far as just compensation, my A for him was like crossing the Rubicon. There was no turning back. It was a deal-breaker for him. He tried, but it is not something he can move past with me. That is a decision that you have to make on your own - that even if your FWS is doing everything they possibly can to help you recover, it may never be enough for you.

That said, you are only 2 months out, and I'd caution you not to make a decision based on emotions, but work the MB plan for a time - set a time frame at which you will reassess your M. Dr. H says it can take 2 to 5 years for a couple to recover from an A, and that is with both spouses actively engaged in and working at recovery.

The full truth. Without the full truth, you can't ever establish trust or trust her out of your sight. She will remain foggy until she is honest. Honesty is one of the first steps. So, I would schedule the polygraph and get that going.


She needs to NOT be aware of your snooping techniques and I suspect she might even be reading here. IF she knows what you are doing, then it will be easier to circumvent you.


Please move forward and go through with next steps, my friend. Don't get bogged down in the drama. Call the OMW, expose the affair. GEt that done. Schedule the polygraph and then devise a way THAT SHE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT TO KEEP AN EYE ON HER. The purpose of snooping is to find out what she THINKS YOU ARE NOT LOOKING.

And cheer up! It will be better is you stick to the PLAN and avoid the drama. It will get better if you stick to the plan.

She is trying to use guilt to manipulate you out of the test. Why in the world would you feel bad? Tell her you will FEEL GREAT once she passes. Tell her you are giving her one last chance to come clean before the test. Hand her a list of questions and SMILE!

Don't back down just because she is playing games with you.

Am I in the FOG?

Asking questions often bring unwanted answers, as you will now learn.

Yesterday, I posted:

But, being scared of taking decisive action (exposure to OMW, etc) you are willing to settle for the sickly, crippled version of a marriage that you have.

It may now be dawning on you as to the toll that will continue to pile up on your WW (AOs, DJs) as you remain fearful of standing up for yourself and you marriage.

Actually, it may be giving you credit that you might not deserve by merely calling you "fearful". Your disinclination to enact a full exposure - with her full support - borders on the irresponsible and emotionally abusive.

I know what she means, I have told her that I believe her, and then I am questioning again. I am going back on my word.

@MelodyLane-

How do I know that she isn't being completely honest at this point? How do I know she is foggy? Her story has not changed, I have asked a lot of the same questions over the last couple of months, and the story stays the same. I have always heard that the truth is easy because you don't have to make things up, lying about the same thing over and over is hard because you have to remember what was made up.

THis is about making you feel safe in the marriage. A good dose of this inquisition needs to be dealt with by her before its fair for you to just drop it once and for all. This line of dialogue is not LB on your part yet. Someday, yes. But not yet.

Too often, trickle exposure and trickle truth are the norm. You are correct in being afraid of that.

Learning to trust and feel safe again takes more time than 2 months.

You don't give your "word" to believe a story that makes no sense. That makes no sense. You either believe it or you don't. You know you don't believe it, so you are taking steps so that you CAN believe it. There is nothing to feel bad about.

You should feel REAL BAD if you pretend to believe a story that is an obvious lie. Because that will make it impossible to recover.

The only thing worse than making a bad promise is KEEPING a bad promise. Be honest and tell her you don't believe her story. The story is a lie.

Real easy. POLYGRAPH.

OK, I am ready to get slammed, but I am not going to do the polygraph. I am in law enforcement and I know the reliability issues of the polygraph. I am as confident as I could be with a polygraph that there has been NC, that the A is dead, etc.

As for exposure, well, I kinda like having this hanging over the head of the OM. I saw him last week and he saw me, he looked like a wet paper sack, wouldn't look my way after he realized I was there. I meant to confront him and ask him if he grew a set yet and told his wife, but he went in his building before I could drive over to him. I have also printed off his employee handbook, and he could be at risk of losing his job if his employer found out that he was purpetuating an A while on the job.

We have ordered both of the Home Courses and are working on the Basic Concepts. We have not ruled out the online program, but that is always an option if we need it.

My wife finished SAA and realized as I did, the things that we did wrong in our marriage, the things that created an evironment for an A to happen. She is on board with doing the home courses and seeing what happens, she is mostly optimistic, I am very optimistic.

Try imagine yourself in place of OMW, first. How would you feel towards a person (you) who "kinda liked" to keep you in the dark?

Common statement "its OM (OW) business to inform their BS" does not release you from the responsibility to tell the truth to another person who does not have information that she critically needs. Be assured, she will not get the truth from OM. Which directs our looks at you, again.

It is not OM's fault that you won't tell OMW.

Strange that only a few replies ago you were eager to do a polygraph, now you have objections to it because of your job. Let's be honest here, you have objections to it because you really want to believe your wife and your afraid to find out that you probably haven't gotten the truth, and even more importantly, you're afraid of your wife. We see it all the time here.

Your wife lied to you during the affair, she lied to you immediately after the affair and trickle-truthed you, why in earth would you believe what she said then or now? You verified the number of hotel visits? Well, whoopdedamndo. What makes you think they used a hotel each time they had sex? She gets indignant because you want to verify the truth? Well, of course she does because it's an uncomfortable spot to be in when you've been discovered and are still trying to mitigate the consequences.

You're afraid, plain and simple. Afraid to push it because you think it will end in divorce and you will lose badly in family court. Afraid to anger your wife because she may leave you. Paradoxically it is this fear that is going to sink you. People that have affairs have contempt for their spouses, that's how they justify what they are doing. Women have contempt for weak men, you show weakness now and it just solidifies in her mind that you are contemptible and she's not going to feel that you want to be in this marriage if you let her walk all over you after what she has done. You'll be setting yourself up for her next affair or for a divorce.

Does imagining the sword of Damocles (in the form of exposure) hanging over the head of OM bring you great comfort? Gotta wonder about that. Exposure is a tool to help end the affair and ensure it doesn't start again. You are enlisting the help of the OMW and letting her know the truth about her marriage if she doesn't already know.

You could have used fewer words to get your point across:

"I'm going to let OM get away with screwing my wife."

DP101,

Do I understand correctly? You are in law enforcement, but do not believe in honesty, i.e. exposing the affair to OMW and his employer. You prefer to hold this information as blackmail.

AM

DP,

I am in the same boat as you except I am the OM BW. My WH was sleeping with the mother of one of our kids friends (their best friend to be exact).

Turns out that OW husband suspected something all the time but never said anything to me. I would have given ANYTHING for OW husband to have had the balls to talk to me. Do you know how I found out? From my kids. They knew something wasn't right. I found out from my KIDS.

I am to this day (3 years out) baffled by OW husband's reaction to the whole sordid mess. He did exactly what you are doing...nothing. It seems like he just doesn't care. I have agonized over this... his wife is sleeping with the father of one of his kids friends and he doesn't do anything ????

The only answer I have been able to come up with in my mind is that he must be impotent or having his own A and therefore doesn't care if his wife is getting it from someone else.

DP,

Expose.

It's the only thing that gives the M a chance to work.

I hesitated, I fought it....I read everything that said the A would die a natural death, which it will eventually, but at what cost???

The vets were right, Dr. Harley spot on -- exposure will hasten the death, kill the affir, snap the WS out of the fog.

My situation is proof of that, and, I hate to admit, a lesson....I waited 3 more months than I should've...we're doing okay, but could be further along.

We'd be nowhere, however, if there were no exposure.

(BTW -- many of the vets were correct, as incredulous as it sounds....my W, to this day, THANKS ME FOR SAVING HER (her words), says it is EXPOSURE that SAVED HER, OUR FAMILY...shows I cared enough, loved enough to FIGHT for her, while the OM made threats and slinked away...).

Thanks.

DP,
If it weren't enough to hear from fellow BHs Stretch, Mr. R, Americajin, and myself about the correct way to protect your OWN interests, now you've got the former BWs joining in asking that you have some compassion for the OMW:

You could have used fewer words to get your point across: "I'm going to let OM get away with screwing my wife." � MaritalBliss
Do I understand correctly?...You prefer to hold this information as blackmail. � armymama
his wife is sleeping with the father of one of his kids friends and he doesn't do anything ????... - Pokerface

So tell us: What would it take to get "a backbone where you currently have a wishbone" and motivate you to man up and DEAL WITH THE PROBLEM?

BTW: Have you even considered having WW undergo a full STD screening?

And you "kinda like" leaving his betrayed wife vulnerable to future cheating.

Shame on you.

Even worse

You KNOW a store has been burgled.
You KNOW who did it.
You KNOW who owns the store.
You KNOW your wife acted as accessory.
You FAIL to inform the victim/store owner that she (her business) remains unprotected and is likely to be burgled again.

"Law UN enforcement" is more like it.