Plan a is a short 3-4 week plan in which you tell your WS that you would be willing to meet his needs in the future if he ends his affair. It is done during the affair. It includes demanding that he end his affair. If he won't end his affair after 3 weeks, Plan B is warranted.

Yeah, I've been trying that. WH is very aware that I want to reconcile and would be willing to work on our marriage if he gives up the OW/polyamorous lifestyle. But, there's no budging on his end, so I doubt Plan A will work...

It is time for plan b. Go to the notable posts section and find the thread, "how to properly Plan B." Read up and start making arrangements. Scotland and reading are both in Plan B and can help you get set up.

Just because I feel like venting and spewing, here's an email WH sent me last week, after I tried to convince him to end the affair and start working on our marriage:

This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and it hurts me like nothing else right now. I want to be all those things to our daughter... but I know that this is who I am and the path I have to take now. I can only hope beyond hope that I can still be as much of a support and help and a factor in both of your lives as possible in this situation, that we can shield our daughter from things at the same time, no matter how it gets between the two of us. I know how hard this is on our daughter especially, both in the immediate and long term, and my heart does break that I'm the cause of it. But the truth of the heart of the matter is still there, and can't be changed.

I know this is all my fault, I know it seems so selfish (and much of it is... all I can say is that I hope the fact that that's so against my usual "pleasing others" nature shows my depth of conviction in who I am and need to be). I also know that even if we were to try, and get things working again for a while... I'd end up right back here. I know you don't believe that, and will say "but we CAN do it, if we just keep trying hard enough"... but believe me that if the slightest bit of me fully believed that... I wouldn't be doing this. It'll be far worse then to be back here down the road, and that IS what would happen. This isn't something I can "work out" or change about me, ManicMonday... it might seem easier if it were, but that's not how it is. I know how terribly difficult it is to accept that, and how hard all this is on you, both in the immediate and in thinking of the future. Please don't think I take or have taken either of those the slightest bit lightly... in fact, those weigh among the heaviest on my heart. Please also understand though, and try to trust & believe me (though I know doing either of those is going to be extremely difficult now, which is my fault) that this is not something I can, or, to be honest, WANT to change. Change the hurt it's causing? Yes, I wish desperately that wasn't a part of it, but there's just no way around it.

And please know that this is not about you not having been enough for me, or that I love you any less because of it. It's just that I now know there are things about me that you're not going to be able to accept (the polyamory), and that make continuing as we were or in a similar situation impossible, as much as I still love & care about you.

I am committed to continuing the counseling because I want to at the very least have an open and honest relationship with you from here on out -- but please know that it can't and won't change the truths I know about myself or the path I want to follow.

Anything (beyond changing) I can do to help you or our daughter, I'm committed to. I can take our daughter for nights, to therapy, for supper, anything you want or will let me. I am NOT abandoning either of you, I still want to be part of your lives as much as you'll let me. But I can't change who I am, which means we have to find a way to do that in a different configuration than that what's existed before. I know it doesn't seem this way right now, but in the long term, going back to how thing were would just bring even more hurt upon all of us. If you truly care about my happiness as well, you have to come to accept that and let me live this path, so that we can move forward constructively for our own sake and our daughter's.

-------
SICK, SICK, SICK!!!

Manic so sorry your in this situation, everyone's advice on here has been good my only extra input would be to suggest telephone coaching with the Harleys.

My WH was so stubborn about the A he had and it took Dr Steve Harley 10 mins on the phone to make him sit up and understand what I had tried to tell him and what the MB members told him on this forum for weeks.

I would strongly recommend investing in a telephone coaching session with them. Or failing that try writing into the radio show and you will get advice from Dr Harley directly for you, I would recommend the joint marital coaching more as they will be able to talk to your WH directly but if for any reason you can't do that then the radio show will give you some firm direction.

THIS IS TYPICAL CAKE EATING WAYWARD.

He is so typical, it would be laffable if it weren't hurting real people.

Follow the plans. Your WH may be too far gone and you will do Plan B to move on, but for now, just do it because it is the best way to get you out of this sitch.

MM, I would send him a Plan B letter and shut down any contact with him. He is very abusive and manipulative. I would advise you to NEVER use the word "polymory," but always use the word ADULTERY. The link for Plan B is here: here

I will post the letter for Plan B below. Please change it up with your own words and post it so we can give you feedback. And make plans to have absolutely NO CONTACT with him until he ends his affair and commits to the marriage:

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

Pg 81 - also send a copy to the OW if you want:
Dear Skankyhola, I love WS with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy. I will wait for him to give me that chance.

Praying for you, Manic ...

I am thinking of you!
Have you written a plan B?

I agree with the others that he KNEW he was doing something wrong and the guilt was so strong that he had to come up with a way to define it to try to assuage some of his guilt. That is all this word means. You always refer to Adultery.

He also wants a fantasy divorce. He wants to be able to do wrong things without guilt while imagining you will be supportive of him, still be his friend and let him be this wonderful dad. NONE of that will really work.

This is why a plan b right now is so important!
So please come back and let the vets help you with your no contact letter to him!!!!
If you brainstorm I am sure you can find a way to stay dark and not let him see you.

Nothing in a temp court order or final order ever says you have to see him.

How is it going?