Hi hun

you have choices, you can carry on being friends with your GF, kmow that she is still in touch with OW but ask her to refrain from mentioning her to you or you to her......big ask....

Or you simply move away and let the friendship die.....make a new group of friends.....you will anyway

Or suck it up, stay her friend and hurt with what you are feeling today, every time you see her cos you know she is still friendly with OW and you will spend forever in your head doing the 'why' question. Not healthy. The hurt will get less but it's a long road....

Choices

Blessings

OK so I give my H another chance. But why are people giving ow a 2nd chance? Surely women in affairs are so much worse? Why is her husband still with her? She started it with my H. She made it happen. Why oh why are people wanting to be friends with her? I find it so hurtf. I guess if they think my H deserves a 2nd chance then so does she.

Thank you as ever... How long does this take? It's so painful.

Really struggling today....this anger comes in waves. May be because it is the start of the new school and H job. I am nervous. I am annoyed that he changed the path of our life. My kids didn't want to leave school but he forced it due to his selfish behaviour. I just don;t know how I get over this. I have had to move house, move job, move life, leave friends and she is still with her H is her mansion, her kids are at the same school and their life has hardly changed. When do I move on? When will I get over this? when will i stop feeling angry?

AEK1, recovery takes time. A lot of time. Minimum is 2 - 5 years, I read.

I'm 9 months into recovery with a fully on-board, very remorseful FWH, and it still takes time. I'm only just now beginning to think that there is hope. I also swung back and forth in emotions--hating him one moment, apathy the next, and then wishing our M could somehow go back to what it once was...but it can't.

The past cannot be changed. Keeping working the program. Meet each others emotional needs, spend time alone together, do some enjoyable things, and build new memories.

I also think of the OW. But guess what, my H has put her completely away in his mind, preferring the present to the recent past. He hates what he did and has put in place his EPs to protect our marriage.

Just keep doing what you know is right. Feelings will follow the actions in time.

I want to add that the "new" marriage we have been building post-A truly is richer than the fine marriage we had before.

It's little things, like now we sit together on the couch when we watch a movie and munch our popcorn from one bowl. In the past, we always sat separately with separate bowls. Nothing wrong with separate seating, but we are definitely more affectionate now.

In the past, we made love when we had the time. Now we make the time and SF is better than ever. H feels very comfortable calling me from work to say that's what he'd love to do when he comes home. And guess what? I'm in bed when he walks through the door. Granted, we are empty-nesters and have that kind of freedom, but still, we are pretty thrilled with where our marriage is heading.

My H has committed himself to losing the weight that bugged me and he allows nothing to stand in the way. He is looking really handsome and I love looking at him when he's undressing. I never did before.

I look at our marriage the way I look at our old place where we used to live, a wonderful quirky old 1926 bungalow in Southern California. We rented it for 4 years. When we found out H had orders to a new location, we tried to buy the bungalow, but the owner didn't want to sell.

So we bought a modern townhouse just down the street. It's not as cute as the bungalow. It doesn't have the same funny little amenities I loved about the bungalow, but it does have some nice features, because it's only a few years old. More electrical outlets, bigger and more closets, an attached garage, 2.5 bathrooms instead of just one.

I loved my old bungalow but we could not keep it. I'm sure we will love our new town house (it's being rented out now while we're away.) I found this to be like our marriage. I loved our marriage pre-A. I really did. It had its pitfalls, but there were many wonderful things about our marriage that I loved. That marriage, like our bungalow, is no longer mine/ours. But like our new town house, there will be many good things about our new marriage. Some things will be much better than our 1926 bungalow and there are some things we will miss.

{{{AEK1}}} You and your family have had to make some major changes because of your H's selfishness. I can't blame you for feeling some anger about that. But you will adjust. You will eventually make peace with that. Because it's in your best interest to do so.

Try making a new memory today. Maybe take the kids out for dinner tonight to celebrate the start of a new school year.

Try not to let OW own any more of your thoughts than you have to. And when the thought of her does intrude, switch it away from feeling that she got out of the A unscathed. Because you don't know that. There could be a lot of negative things happening in her world. The karma bus can be slow, but it's pretty reliable.

Things will settle in for you - soon, I hope!

Thank you everyone. Just hard. isn't it? You wonder if you deserved this and if he deserves you. Things will be better once the children have started school and he is back at work......fingers crossed.

Just want to toss in here that....

No, you didn't deserve it. Betrayal is a horrible experience.

And guess what? After my two hopefully encouraging posts to you yesterday, I am very upset with myself for bringing up the A last night for no darn good reason, with the ridiculous expectation and vain hope that there is some guarantee out there for me. And there isn't....

I read the posts on other threads that although there is no guarantee, what we do have is the opportunity to rebuild and recover our marriages, with EPs in place and working non-stop. That's a really good start for all of us. It's what we should always have had in our marriages.

Recovery IS hard, but we must always remind ourselves that our marriage could have been completely unrecoverable with our spouses still foggy. And that is what we have to keep reminding ourselves. Fingers pointing back at me.

Keep working it, AEK1. You are a much better woman than OW, and your H is home with you and wants a great marriage.

Another grumpy day. Pissed off with him. He made me look folkish, he let the kids down, our whole life is in tatters. I don't respect him anymore. What do I do?

AEK1,

I remember when I hit that road block and just couldn't get past it. My wise colleague at work told me that I needed to learn to let things pass or I would end up old and bitter.

That really hit home for me because I could see that it was where I was headed. I want to be happy...not old and bitter.

Your WH cannot change the choices he made in the past but can only go forward. Is he remorseful and has he changed?

Do you ever read any of the other threads?

It helped me to find peace when I started to read the other threads and found my own story to be quite common. Frightening how the affair part always plays out the same. My story was not any more shameful or embarrassing than any of the other thousands of stories. Quite common actually.

Many of the stories gave me hope and courage to keep fighting for my marriage and my family. They were an inspiration to me.

Thank you for this. I will read some other threads. Yes sadly my story is common but on some days this doesn't help. You were all right we need to move away from this town. I hope things will get better once the child and WH are at school. I need some time to look after me. I don't want to be old and bitter but sometimes are not sure how to avoid that. X

As soon as you conquer one emotion (anger) the next one sets in (resentment). It is a process. Give yourself time. Focus on rebuilding your love and affair proofing the M. Those are the biggest healers.

When I got stuck in the resentment, I used to look around at my life and be grateful for what I had. There is a lot of pain in this world.

Really AEK1, take some time everyday to follow the stories here. These are real people. It will help you to put things in perspective.

Hi Hun,

I think Pokerface is right, I spent so much time stuck in the resentment and anger and poor me, it's not fair process and after a while (a long while) I began to start saying thank you. I also got angry with myself for being stuck.

Thank you for a sunset, thank you for a glimpse of a fox or an owl, I looked at the stuff I did have and how good that was and tried to visualise it like scales or percentages. I worked out that 60% was good, 20% manageable and 20% was pants. That did kind of help.

It passes is the bottom line, but you have to put work in to make it pass, it doesn't do it alone. You have to make some moves.

Reading other threads did help me see I wasn't alone too. Neak helped, as did Jess, they both had scarily similar stories or entrenched stuff and both had similar reaction to me.

Try it......

Blessings

Thank you so much. I have been down today. heard that my friend is now on holiday with the OW......also heard that OW lied so much about me....made me out to be really horrible and was the cause of me being banned from school as she said I was harassing her.....why did people believe her? Why do people continue to feel sorry for her and give her the benefit of the doubt? I feel so hurt that post and during the A that she lied and said so many horrid things about me.....why? why did people believe her? Why has she won.....I have lost a good friend because she continues to believe her. I am very sad.

Call up the "lost friends" one by one.
Maybe one a week.
Call to ask each friend out to lunch.
One on one.

Then, do something amazing.
Do not talk about WH/OW/ the A ... or your marriage.

Ask about the friend and her life.
Keep the topic off of yourself and off your woes.
Keep the topic on her.
Smile.
Show empathy.
Be a listener.

See what transpires.

And, furthermore, if the friend tries to bring up the OW/WH/etc ..... you stop her and laugh ... "Let's just have fun today. OK? I just want to enjoy your company."

See what transpires.

One friend a week.

Great advice.

Good plan. Tough but a good plan. I don't want to be the moaner. I want to be the person I was ...happy, fun and helpful.

Just an update. Had some good NLP - it seems to have helped with my anxiety - anything to help. The kids and H went to new school today. They all looked happy. I must learn that as long as they are happy and learning I should relax. I have tried to block out the other school/old friends and I am confident I can do this 99% of the time (as long as my lot are happy!!!!).
My old friend didn't even send me a good luck message whereas others have sent messages/flowers and all sorts.....
Thank you for helping me so much. We are on a better path and I will try and stick to it...onwards and upwards!