DDay just last week and I am reeling. WH has lied repeatedly and now is out of the home for a little time to hopefully make a decision on whether to stick to and recover marriage or to get out. Has made two "trys" to say he wants to recover the marriage only for me to find out there has been absolutely no attempt at NC. This time away is supposed to allow him to get it all out of his system, get alone with God to receive forgiveness, etc...

One minute I'm storming mad, the second I'm bawling cause I don't want him gone.

I have totally committed to be the wife I should have been. He has yet to say this to me on his end. He believes this time off will allow him to come back home and at that time when he says he is staying and will put everything into making our marriage work, he will mean it.


Is this just a cop-out? He has yet to really take any responsibility for his actions. He has resigned from church post, and now refuses to meet or talk to anyone from there as they are "preaching" at him. (which hasn't been the case at all). He is obviously in the "fog" and "withdrawal" mode. At this time has yet to have any real interest in investing time in counseling, reading a book, etc... as since he was a minister he already knows what should be said.

Anyway, my real question is this. Have we set ourselves up for failure by allowing time apart this soon and especially since he has made no move toward anything I've suggested regarding NC? He works with the OW so there is no way to eliminate contact at this time. Since he has yet to desire to truly end the A, I'm at a loss at how to respond. Just this morning the OW texted him again. I have now blocked her number on our phones (he doesn't know this yet).

My emotions are a wreck, I've been devastated beyond belief by the man that was always a man of integrity, who has now ruined any trust I ever had in him.

Could use any advice. I've been reading all the articles I can find on here, and visiting the forums.

I guess I also need help in being strong to stand up and not "Beg" for him to come back. With both of us coming from a very strong religious background, I'm overwhelmed by what has happened. I fully acknowledge my role in that I was not meeting his EN at all for a very long time, so for years he has been storing up the anger and hurt and it has finally come to this. I am hoping it is not too late. To top it all off our wedding anniversary is this week. What a vile mess.

Any advice to help me?

korenzr, so sorry you have to be here. This affair can be killed and you can recover your marriage, but they will have to stop working together. Is OW married? Are they still working together? That needs to end.

He needs to get back home asap. If he is out of the house he has plenty of time to pursue his affair.

Please read the articles on this website. And don't tell your husband about this place right now.

Yes, OW is married. Yes, still have to work in same place. He will need to be the one to end it at work. That is what this "short" time away is supposed to do. If he pursues the affair, then that will be his choice. At this time since I've seen no real remorse, still view contact, then this will be his choice. How do I request him to come home now that we agreed together that it would be a good thing for him to have some time alone? Otherwise at home I'm angry and then he really doesn't want to make our marriage work.

Hi korenzr, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I am relatively new to MB myself, but want you to know people are listening to your pain. Weekend traffic here can be slow, so bump your thread tomorrow if you haven't had any response from the vets.

Meanwhile, the vets will want some more info about your situation... any kids, have you exposed the affair and if so who to. Make sure you read up about exposure and Plan A.

And don't feel bad for the emotional rollercoaster you are now on. This is normal, you have just been betrayed by the person you trusted most to protect you. D day is recent, and you are in shock... go easy on yourself.

Hang in there for the vets to arrive with advice.

Thanks, I've read some on exposure, but he wants to keep it quiet to save face, do you just do it anyway knowing that if you do, you'll probably absolutely lose him because he will be so angry at you?

I don't know that asking him to come home would be a good idea ATM.

Click on the Newly BS link in my signature and read through the WHOLE thread.

I would pay close attention to the things about Plan A, as I would suggest that you do Plan A for a few weeks until you can Plan B(which is why I think he should stay out, easier to get him out since he is already gone now).

Please answer all of the questions from the Newly BS thread, on this thread.

We are here to help and we all understand what you are going through. Wlecome to MB.

EXPOSURE IS KEY TO HELPING END THE AFFAIR.

Without exposure, you will most likely not kill the affair, and that will DEFINITELY lead to a D. So you have 2 choices, you eitehr expose, and give your marriage a chance, or don;t expose, and file for a D very soon.

Please read, and remember, DO NOT TELL YOUR WH ABOUT THIS FORUM. Also, DO NOT WARN HIM,OR ANYONE ABOUT EXPOSURE.

Get yourself a plan of attack and then, execute that plan.

korenz, I am so sorry this has happened to you. The most potent weapon you have against the affair is exposure. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it is like a much needed splash of water. It ruins affairs.

That is what I would do next. Expose the affair wide and far in a strategic, methodical way all on the same day. Exposing in the same day creates a tsunami effect that inflicts the most damage on the affair.

Exposure targets are:

1. your parents, his parent, close family and friends. Tell them about the affair and ask them all to use their influence to persuade your H to end his affair. Do this over the phone. Ask your MIL to call the OW and run her off

2. expose to the OW's parents, family and friends. This can be done via private message on facebook if she has a fb page. We have a sample letter. Exposing to the OW's parents will ruin the future of the affair because it will be harder for her to take him around her family if they all know this is filthy adultery

3. your kids over age 4 should all be told of their dad's adultery and encouraged to speak to him openly

4. the workplace should be informed of the affair. We have a letter that can be sent to the Director of Human Resources and a key VP and both of the affairee's supervisors

This is the most effective way to save your marriage, koren. Dr Harley has been saving marriages for 40 years using these tactics and exposure will give you the best chance.

When Should an Affair Be Exposed?

oh no, you have this backwards. You will lose him if you DON'T. Of course he wants to keep it a secret. Because that makes it easier for him to continue his affair. If you want to save your marriage, you should NOT be making it easy for him to have an affair. You should be RAISING HOLY HELL.

In that case, the first exposure on your list should be her husband. The "short time" away was for the purpose of carrying on his affair in peace.

As long as they continue to work together, your marriage will NEVER recover. They can change the name of the affair to "business contact" to be cute and winsome, but it is just another name for AFFAIR and your marriage will NEVER recover. NEVER. It would be like an alcoholic changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and hoping for sobriety. It will never happen.

The only way your marriage will ever make is if they end all contact FOR LIFE.

p.s. when you expose to the OW's husband, I would be sure and give him your H's cell phone # and all of his information so he can keep tabs on your husband.

I am 45, H is 47. We have 2 children, Son 17, and Daughter 21. We will have been married for 26 years on Wednesday. We've not been married before. WH met OW at work.

As far as I can discover, the affair began in earnest last month. He has said it has not gone to actual intercourse, but has done everything but that. Just Tues, I happened to discover online secret phone line texts saying how much they "loved" each other and wanted to meet for a quick "kiss". I threw him out and told the kids to pray. He actually wants me to get mad enough to throw him out (I think then I get the blame). He has been honest that he is in love with her and not me, but knows he needs to do what is right. But that hasn't been backed up with any verifiable actions yet. This time away was supposed to be for that.

I am aware that his "alone" time is giving him way too much freedom, but I guess at this time, I see it as his making his choice of me or her. When he comes home he is supposed to have eliminated the contact. We'll see. I'm monitoring the phone, but cannot monitor his laptop that he's taken with him. So he's got plenty of opportunity to make or break this marriage.

I found out about the affair when he told me about it-the first big contact they had. With one other person, they took an out of town trip together in which the first touching took place. He couldn't live with himself, so he told me. I thought that would be the end, but instead through secrecy and lies, it got worse. We've met with our pastor and wife and he said he was sorry, but hasn't done anything to back that up. I discovered all the texting the following week. It's now been about 3 weeks.

I haven't yet ordered the books, but will. I've read all the articles on here I can find in the last week.

Our financial position is very fragile and for him to quit his job is not doable at this time. Asking for a transfer might work, but as I stated before, I'm not seeing any desire to do what should be done. He's saying the words, but after all the lies, I don't believe anything he says anymore.

Our decision to allow him to leave for this week was because he was feeling "smothered" and couldn't handle the fact that I seemed to continually follow his phone with my eyes, etc.... that he needed time to pray and reconnect with God. We'll see.

His financial position will be very fragile if you clean him out in a divorce settlement, too. He needs to consider this.

koren, you don't understand. He has already made his choice. He has chosen you BOTH. He doesn't have to choose you or her. He did not leave to make a choice, he left so he could continue his affair without interference.


He is very likely with her now. He has no intention of eliminating contact. I am sorry. That is why he left.


The affair has gone physical. This is feeding his addiction and explains why he can't stop.


A transfer might work, but just know you wont have the benefit of his job anyway when you are divorced. Your financial situation will be more than fragile when he divorces you. And that is where you are headed right now by helping him hide the affair.


He did not like the interference in his affair. That is the ONLY reason he agreed to leave. Of course he doesn't like you to watch him because he has something to hide. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide.\

He is not praying to God, he is running from God by pursuing his affair. He did not leave to pray or "reconnect with God." That is a lie.

Ok, I'm going to really think on this everyone. I've already told his mom we're having marriage trouble, but didn't mention the affair. The OW's H knows something is going on, but not with who. He took away her phone, but I now believe she's got it back since she texted him this morning. (that's when I blocked her number).

I'll be reading everything I can on this site and then update later this week on what is happening. Man, this is hard!

Is there ANY chance - anyone out there - that believes there's a possibility he's really doing what he said he'd do?

He's been by the house today twice.

Can you tell I don't really want to hear what you are telling me? I know I'm probably in major denial right now too.

Why would he have any problem with you looking freely at his phone unless he is hiding something? He couldn't handle the fact that you were interfering with his affair, that is all this is.

You might want to remind him the next time he lies about seeking God that "God will not be mocked." He is mocking God with his lies about "needing time to reconnect with God" when he is really off seeing his adultery partner. Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.Galatians 6:7

But I am probably crazy and you should just go see for yourself if he is in his room praying or if he is off with his adultery partner. I bet if you call the OW's husband he will tell you the OW has been gone this weekend too.

I am so sorry. He is lying through his teeth. He is gaslighting you.