Message heard. Will work on getting the guts to do what needs to be done.

That is nice of you to ENABLE the affair for the OW and your wayward husband but that does nothing for your marriage. Helping them hide the affair helps the AFFAIR, at the expense of your marriage.

By hiding the affair for them, you inadvertantly become an accessory to the crime. You are the get away car driver for the bank robbers. The only problem with that is that YOU ARE THE BANK!

Why are you hiding the affair, korenz? If you are a Christian, I know you know better. Are you doing this because you are paralyzed with fear?

My friend, you have the guts NOW. And God provides the strength. All that is waiting is a DECISION to save your marriage. God will carry you through if you do the right thing and walk out of this with His guidance. Expose the affair.. Bring it into the light of day. HELP your husband do the right thing.

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
Philippians 4:13

Korenzr, please PLEASE listen to Melody and others. Being new to this forum I don't like to offer advice as I am still learning myself, but this piece of advice is the best I can give you. LISTEN TO THEM AND FOLLOW THEIR ADVICE.

I, like you, delayed acting by being in denial, not wanting to hurt WH, believing him as he had up to that point always been trustworthy. And I learnt the hard way that everything the vets said was true. Your WH is not acting as he usually would, he is incapable of this at this time. Think of it this way (sorry to steal some of your analogies Melody), if your H was an alcoholic, would you allow him to go and live at the bar? Your WH is currently in the addiction of an affair, and living separately is now allowing him easier access to the point of his addiction, the OW.

I hope this helps in some way...

Where is your husband tonight, korenz?

Korenz,

Trust the words here. Do the actions.

Listen Koren, your wh is not off this weekend praying on his knees. But he MAY BE down ON his knees doing something else. WITH somebody else. And God is NOT PART OF THAT DEAL whatsoever!

Exposure is what criminals hate. Do you think that a burglar would rob a house if the lights were on and that he was BEING WATCHED by the neighbors? heck no.

But if the lights are off, and everybody is missing or gone from the house, and nobody's there to poke around or watch, they'll rob till they rob the home blind.

That's like an affair WITHOUT exposure. You and your children will be robbed of a good marriage and family life all together. At best, the marriage thieves will leave you half after a divorce.

If you listen to your wh and his words now, it's like listening to a junkie under an overpass smoking meth. They are addicts to are strung out and make no sense.

He wants you to LEAVE HIM ALONE so he can go and shag the skank in private. He wants to not have prying eyes around so he can indulge in his selfish little fantasy world with his skankho.

So back off if you want to. But that will do nothing but kill your marriage, NOT KILL THE AFFAIR. Until he ends the addiction he will not be as he was before ok? So that is your focus now.

You EXPOSE like mad. And you DO NOT WARN. It is to come down quick, like lightening, and strike with force. You do a MASSIVE exposure. Can you find out if the skank has a FB page? If so, find out about her and her family and friends. Make a huge exposure list. There are good hints on how to do this and of course, snoop and gain access to the totally mental world of the wayward and how to break down the affair and kill it on the forum called "Operation Investigate" which is below SAA on this site.

Make the OWs life uncomfortable and messy and NASTY. That DOES mean exposing to her BH too. He HAS to know and yea, definitely give him your wh's cell number. Again all of this WITHOUT WARNING.

With God at your side, and the truth there is NOTHING TO FEAR. The adulterer and liar and cheater however DOES FEAR. They fear their lies coming to the surface, and they fear the world hearing of their evil deeds. So why keep that in the dark?

Since they think their affair is soooo wonderful and they're soooo in love, why not share their nasty little secret with THE WORLD???? I say do it.

We have seen affairs killed dead almost immediately after a WELL-PLANNED EXPOSURE.

Korenz, welcome to Marriage Builders. You say that he came by twice today. Of course he did, because some WH are supreme cake eaters. In his mind, he has TWO women that want him. He'll come to you because you still meet some of his emotional needs, while he goes to her for others.

Strategic exposure works best. Anyone who may have influence over his life should be told. Her husband certainly should be told because he has a right to know what's going on in his marriage.

How did you discover the affair? I apologize if you've already answered this.

My husband was a Christian too when he went off the deep end. I heard, "PM, I will always take care if you." he moved out too to get some space. It just went downhill from there. We ended up losing everything.

Today, he is back in the ministry and devoted to our marriage. I didn't have MB at the time or I could have saved myself a lot of pain. Please take the advice seriously. I don't think it was an accident that you found MB. Thank God that you did. Not only can you recover from his affair, but you can have a better marriage than you ever dreamed... IF you follow the plans.

If you guys make it through this, there is no telling how many others you can help that cross your path later.

Pray, read, listen and learn. We're here for you.

Also he claims he's getting away to connect with God. My husband panicked when i told him lots of people were praying over out situation. Oh no, he didn't want that because he knew and understood the power of a praying wife.

My Sis and l prayed that God would break him and send angels to watch over him. God answered my prayers, starting with his toe. He had been out drinking and acting foolish whe he decided to climb up on this small step while he was drinking. He lost his balance and landed oh his feet breaking a bone in one foot and fracturing the other one. My Sis and I got a good laugh over that one. We asked God to break him and He started with his feet. He couldn't work for awhile after that and I guess OW2 was not prepared tbaby him. They broke up shortly after that and my DH 's eyes began to open. And the rest I'd history. It wasn't over completely but it didn't take long for him to come home. He was at rock bottom and smelling the [censored] all around him. He was a broken man. Now he's a victorious and recognizes the pain he caused his family.

Exposure does not make your husband angry. Exposure does not hurt your husband.

Exposure does however anger the alien bodysnatcher in your husband's body very much. He does not want people to know he has stolen your husbands body. He wants to do unspeakable things with it without being caught.

Exposure does hurt however the affair. It is like dragging a beautiful bowl of pretty cherries from a dark room into the sunlight - after your h has been eating half of them - and showing him that they are crawling with maggots and mould.

Dont expose in drips and drabs. Expose nuclear style to everyone at once. Do it before they can tell people you are a nutso jealous wife interfering in an innocent friendship.

NO WARNING, NO DISCUSSION, JUST EXPOSE.

I did. It was awesome. It did not work on its own like in Gloveoil's situation, but the damage to the A through embarrassment was clear to see.

They have been running around town saying they would NEVER do that. I bust up their little love story. No one believes them. They will never be able to be together openly now.

Not exposing is like finding out your h is an alcoholic, then keeping it secret so he can go to parties and drink openly in front of the people who love him without them caring about it.

The people who love him deserve to know is headed for ruin, so they can help

The affair is a monster eating your life. It is an army raining bullets upon your head.

You sound tough, so get serious. Hit the affair with the nuclear blow that is exposure.

You also sound like you might appreciate the Art of War thread, which is below on my sig...

Good luck newbie warrior

Also make the exposure a loving act.

Tell everyone you want their help in reasoning with your h and their help in saving your marriage.

When the alien gets angry say 'I did it to save our marriage'

Your real h, who is inside the alien, will be able to hear your efforts to free him.

EXPOSE! Make sure its all at once too. You must sit down and make out a list.... someone have a copy of what you write? That helped me. You want to tell everyone, especially her husband.

He wants to keep it quiet so that he can pursue the affair AND/OR divorce you and pretend it wasn't an affair at all, that he just started dating her after the breakdown of the marriage.

He moved out so that he could be with the other woman in private, including physically. We hear these excuses of why the waywards need to move out ALL THE TIME.

You just do it. You don't warn him or discuss it with him.
He doesn't get to decide this. Of course he'll be mad his secret is out in the world. Of course.
So what?

Do not live in fear of loosing him. You already did.

It is an illusion that he is still there.

The best chance of him ever coming back is you standing up and telling people the truth of your life. Expect him to get livid and make threats but do not let that fear keep you from doing it. Just prepare for it. As he goes wild with threats after exposure.....in your mind say "I knew this was coming. I was forewarned. I am strong. I am okay". Do not engage back to the threats.

Just do it.

Update and need new advice. Sorry for long post - I'm ranting.

WH stayed at hotel for 2 weeks and then came home declaring he was only coming home due to lack of money. Did NOT spend time in prayer etc... However, he did say that he had kept to the NC agreement. We did not do a NC letter. I found out 2 days ago that the OW actually ended the A, so at this time I believe WH as I have no evidence that contact had resumed and I was watching carefully to all places I had access to.

However on Monday I saw 2 short phonecalls to her during work hours and promptly set up an unnanouced visit from my pastor and an elder to confront him about the calls. (He had refused to meet with them). I also called a 2nd cell number that was very suspicious and tried to get the owner to reveal their name which didn't happen, but it wasn't the name of the OW.

When confrontation happened on Monday night I learned that the 2 phone calls were work related only (if he can be believed-and I'm pretty sure he was telling the truth). Pastor & elder left our home. WH was then livid that I'd "deceived and lied" to him by being all nice about dinner when he came home and did not tell him that the visitors were coming. And that I "attacked" him with the confrontation.

That morning before the pastor came over I did EXPOSE and called his mother and sister and let them know what was happening and that I might be kicking him out of the home.

I did not tell WH that I had notified family. The next day the people who owned the number I called (trying to get the name of the cell phone) contacted WH to let him know I had contacted them. (I did say who I was). WH is again absolutely livid and demanded the code to the our phone account. I gave it to him and let him know that he would also find that i had called his family. Now above extremely livid. Spent all day crying and letting me know how humiliated he was. Later that evening took me to the same park where he first admitted affair and told me once again the same stuff about how he now totally couldn't stand me since I called his family, that if he'd had the money, he would have filed for divorce that day. Had been looking at apartments. etc... BUT, he couldn't figure out how he could move out and both of us still survive financially.


As of last night, we had a civil conversation regarding what to do next regarding WH still staying at home. WH says he now Hates me, doesn't want to see me, be around me etc... but is only staying in the house due to financial reasons. For us to separate right now would be impossible financially.

...His Love Bank is totally empty. However, it is now "OK" if I still want to deposit Love units into him, but if I want to "wait on him to do anything, I'll wait forever".

...He wanted me to know that he will be continuing to look for apartments but won't move out until we discuss it.

...He also said that the only reason he had not permanently moved out or filed for divorce was because his family didn't know. But now that they do know, he can never go home again. (ARGH! If they were so important, why aren't they his excuse to NOT have the A?)

To his benefit, he says he cares enough for me not to leave me destitute and would be willing to stay in our home if it would mean I would have to move myself and our son out of our current home.

Yet last night after that conversation, he reached over to gently touch me as I wasn't feeling well. ????? After he said he hated me and didn't want to see me or touch me etc....

Today I am very angry. I cannot believe he continues to daily throw the fact that he is still at home only due to finances in my face. I do not want to hear that he is no longer in love with me one. more. time. I do not want to keep exposing my home to his fogged reasonings.

What is interesting is that my son preached his first real sermon at our school's chapel yesterday and mentioned the sin of "hopping into bed with someone else's wife" and of course my WH (who actually attended)assumed my son was looking directly into his own eyes when DS said that phrase.

My question: Is it time to go to plan B when plan A never really got off the ground?

If I absolutely HAD to, I could live by myself WITH his financial support but would have to depend on my outside business to make up the missing difference. It is likely that I could do this, but this business has not been built up enough that I could tell you for SURE, I could depend on it.

OR If the A has ended like WH says it has, should I begin plan A over again?

TIA for your help.

korenz, you have been in Plan A all this time. And yes it is time to go into Plan B. However, why has his family not called him? The goal of exposure is to get these people to call him up and persuade him to stop it. They should be telling him how disgusted they are at his unmanly behavior. Will they not help you??


Ask him to get out now. If he is not going to commit to the marriage, then he needs to move. Tell him it is too hard to have him there while he behaves in such a cruel way. Let him know you don't want him there until he will commit to you and the marriage. If he won't get out, then you will either have to file to get him removed or move out yourself.

This is all fogbabble. Ignore every drunken word he has said. EVERY word!

If you have been meeting his needs and not indulging in lovebusters - then you have been doing the carrot of Plan A

If every person relevant to yours, his and OWs life then you have been doing the stick of Plan A

(It actually sounded like just a few key people in your post - you have exposed to EVERYONE right?)

If you have been doing this, keep doing it. If not start. Plan A lasts a few weeks, no more.



Insist that this will be a requirement. Lovingly.



Do not believe a wayward!! One of the other requirements you will need is a poly.



You will need to arrange to separate for when you go into Plan B. Do not forewarn him of this separation. Just make your plans to go dark





Careful. If you angry outburst you affect your plan A. Be loving but firm. Ignore his fogbable. And if he isnt good, he gets tossed into Plan B. If Plan A becoems a strain for you, its time for Plan B.



Get legal advice as part of your preparations.



Both plans are to get him to agree to recovery and full disclosure - it is not just about the A ending. Plan A for a few weeks then Plan B. Do a stellar Plan A so he rembers how great you are in Plan B.

ARGH - I am doing all this badly.

2 days ago found out that WH is stilling texting the OW on a computer phone line. I printed what I could and left the house without saying anything. I made copies of the texts and talked to my pastor and my parents. I went back home and told WH to pack his stuff. I got DS in car, told him what was happening and we left. I then told very good friends and neighbors across the street and asked the husband of that family to stay in my home til WH was gone.

They went on a walk and talked but WH locked himself out of the house. I had to go back and unlock the door so he could pack. Lots of drama but I made WH sit and talk before leaving and then of course he was sorrowful and said he didn't want to leave. I once again believed the sincerity and let him stay. We talked some and agree to work at restoring.

Not too much later WH asked who I had told. That made him upset. Now once again I am the "bad guy" because I've told people I was going to kick him out and I really didn't.

I have also told my parents, the wife of this neighbor family and my pastor details of our conversations later that evening about his feelings of "shame", being able to contact family again etc... etc...

So I have 3 questions, #1: Was I wrong by telling people close to me details of what is happening? Is that a true love buster or is he just in fogbabble? He now really doesn't want to stay married to me since I've exposed not only the affair, but now conversations. We are in the "I would never do that to you" stuff and how he'll never be able to have a good relationship again with any of the people I've told. (of course we are still not addressing the cause for all of this in the first place). But I really don't want to LB and if I'm wrong, I'll stop immediately, but I've already done it.
Question 2: For those of you who were the Wanderers, can you ever go back into your family without feeling like everyone is thinking "there goes that adulterer" as their first thought or be with your family again and make some kind of peace despite what happened?

Question 3: My WH is totally regreting telling our almost adult children as he believes his relationship with them will never survive and they like my question above, they will always remember what happened and never love/forgive/be able to forgive.

Things were more calm this morning and we are committing to stay together this week until we attend a marriage crisis retreat this weekend. I'm believing for that to help. If it doesn't, we'll take the next step.

Thanks for your help!

korenzr, all the counselling in the world won't help you while your WH continues his affair.

He needs to leave until he chooses to end the affair. Why is he still in the house?

Because I didn't stick to my guns. However, after that confrontation he did agree to end it and got rid of all phone numbers, FB, etc...

I understand what you're saying. This weekend is not really counseling, but to help with communication and we need that desperately. The fact that he is willing to come with me is a big step.

I can live with just 2 more days in hopes that this retreat will be helpful. I may be entirely dreaming, but I want to have this last chance. I am no longer blinded to what must happen if things do not change.

I may have missed it, but it does not seem like you have exposed the A fully. Did you expose to your WH's Workplace supervisors and HR?
Have you exposed to the OW's Husband? That alone might get her to back off and gave you another person keeping an eye on them.

If you haven't exposed - Why not? Don't you want to end the A??