Hello i am a WH and i have really botched up any effort to get thing right with my wife in our recovery stages. I will need to list everything but the one thing that has been a driving factor in my mind i feel that my BS has no real way of forgiving me. I am calling on anyone who can help me restore love and life into our marriage i really do not want a divorce, but i think it is heading that way...

Anyone?????

How did you "botch it up"?

How many affairs?

When did this happen, when did it end and how long have you been married?

Where is OW now?

Any children?

Has divorce been filed for?

How did you botch it up?


Her forgiveness is contingent ON YOU. You have to earn her forgiveness. It is not an entitlement program for waywards. The way you EARN her forgiveness is described here.

You can EARN her forgiveness by giving her the just compensation described in that article. But it is YOUR JOB to earn it. So if you want forgiveness, you need to start hustling and get to work!

Does your BW post here?

1. & 2. Affair end of 05 lasted till Feb 06, OW was high school SH never materialized then 30 years ago.
3. Meet in a place of business.
4. I was not having needs met and just existing in my marriage. I felt the disrespect i was getting was due to my W feelings of hatred. The OW acted like she desired me....
5. I couldn't continue i have 3 children my guilt was eating me up i desired to have a final meeting to say good by and got caught after the meeting. I had 2 PA meetings the rest where EA during the A.
6. I have not talked to the OW since and do not want to. I will tell my BW everything if ever we meet.
7. Here lies the problem....
when i got caught i lied my but off. When to a priest confessed and never told my BW the truth. I confessed to a friend and then my BW found the truth. Counselling confessions i fought to tell the truth. I hid from dealing with the truth. Now after this meany years we are still struggling as i had to be pushed by my BW to tell.
Now she will not believe me at all. I have changed but is still get in my own way. I sometimes have anger out burst because i want more from her. Do i give up ???

How do i deal with my BW after this long???

The question is how does she deal with you? Of course she should not believe you. That would be crazy. You committed adultery and then lied about it for YEARS. And to add insult to injury you are not even man enough to take responsibility for it! You blame HER! Most betrayed spouses can forgive adultery; it is the lies that make it so hard. It is hard to recover from such abusive behavior.

If you want to be forgiven, you are going to have to first take responsibility for your affair like a man. Blaming your wife for your affair is wimpy and unmanly. Until you take 100% responsibility for your actions, you are dangerous and should not be trusted out of her sight.

Will she even consider staying with you?

You had an affair for one reason and one reason only: you have poor boundaries around other women. Until you take some responsibility for your shabby boundaries, you are bound to repeat this behavior. You are 100% responsible for your affair.


Which is not a solution. The solution is to make sure you don't see this skank. Is she married? And if so, does her husband know what you did?

What have you done to make sure you DON'T ever see the OW again?

What good is confessing to a priest? You didn't wrong the priest. You wronged your W.

I lied my azz off after I was caught too. It's gotten me nothing but a fast road to a D. Your W cannot trust you at all. For trickle-truthers, it goes way beyond the A and centers on the fact that you lied to her for, what, 5 years?

And you didn't answer GO's question #8:


Saying that you have changed does not answer the question. What concrete steps have you taken to change? What safeguards have you put in place? How are you meeting your BW's need for O&H? How have you addressed your shoddy boundaries around women?

See, when our spouses have to drag the truth out of us, they have no way of believing that we're telling the truth about anything. They think we'll always lie to cover our butts and to stay out of trouble. From personal experience, the lies we tell do much more damage.

And you having AO's b/c you "want more from her"? Stop. It. You have no right to expect anything from her. If she forgives you, as GO said, it is a gift, and you have no rights to that at all. Having AO's is not going to help anything, it is only going to make things worse. Trust me.

This really caught my eye.


YOU want MORE from HER ???????


That, in a nutshell, is why your betrayed wife does not want to reconcile with you.


You had a sense of entitlement during your affair. You justified your affair by blaming your wife for failing to meet your needs.

Now, you continue the sense of entitlement by stating that YOU want more from her.


Please, go read the article regarding TAKERS on this website. You will find your issue described there.




I would then advise that you consider placing yourself on a one-year plan with your wife, during which time YOU make a PLAN to meet HER NEEDS. See what you might get in return from her.

My guess is that in your marriage, YOUR failure to meet your wife's emotional needs is far higher on the list of actual destructive tendencies than any other single thing that led to the stale situation leading up to your affair - go ask your wife and see if I am correct. Your general attitude of entitlement speaks very highly of what your wife likely faced in her daily life.


Look deeply at that issue. I'm not here to be mean, but to point you in the direction that might help you best.


Right now, the finger doesn't point at your wife.


SB

I have underlined four disrespectful judgements you have made of your wife in your post. That you are still blaming her for the affair is extraordinary. Nowhere do you mention her amazing strength in 'dealing with' YOU or 'wanting more' from YOU.

You take no responsibility for your actions at all





So I will do you a favour and translate your fog into truth.

1. & 2. Affair end of 05 lasted till Feb 06, OW was an old girlfriend and therefore an inappropriate friend for a married man to have never materialized then 30 years ago.
3. Meet in a place of business.
4. I was EITHER a) not having needs met and not communicating this effectively (why tell my BS what may make us happier when I can just have an affair! or b) I had a great marriage but decided to re-write history to justify my affair. I knew I could either leave or speak to my spouse about my needs but decided to hurt her in the worst way I could possibly dream up instead. The OW acted like she desired me....AND I FAILED TO REMEMBER THAT ONLY WH()RES ACT LIKE THIS TOWARDS MARRIED MEN - BECAUSE I LIKED IT, HAVE POOR BOUNDARIES AND NO MORAL COMPASS
5. I couldn't continue i have 3 children my guilt was eating me up (I forget to mention guilt towards my wife here because I am only comfortable referring to her using DJ's i desired to have a final meeting to say good bye. I had an EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL AFFAIR
6. I have not talked to the OW since and do not want to. I will tell my BW everything if ever we meet. With a lot of DJs thrown in, judging by this post
7. Here lies the problem....

HERE??? lies the problem - because the problem is not with me - oh no.

I told my priest and a friend about the A BECAUSE I AM A COWARD AS WELL AS A LIAR. Now she will not believe me at all WHICH IS VERY SMART OF HER. I have changed EXCEPT THAT I STILL CANNOT TAKE RESPONSIBIITY AND WOULD RATHER BLAME HER STILL but is still get in my own way. I sometimes have anger out burst Do I give up? - Or rather should I begin doing something which doesnt involve lying to my wife and blaming her?

I FAIL TO MENTION THAT

I hurt my wife very deeply
I am sorry for her pain, which is worse than anything I can imagine
That I will do anything to make it up to her
That I will prove this with firm actions and radical honesty and humility
That I am so grateful she didnt go straight to plan D, as I deserved, after discovering the affair
That she would have every right to go to plan D after what I have done
That I deeply regret continuing to lie to her after she showed such immense grace towards me

I FAIL TO MENTION IT BECAUSE IT IS ALL ABOUT ME.

That certainly is a problem. Questions:

1. How many lies have you told us already in your two posts here?
2. Have you ever posted here before under another name?
3. Somebody already asked this and you did not answer: does your betrayed wife post here? If so, what is her name?

If you will not answer these questions forthrightly, we can't help you, and I encourage you not to waste anyone's time.

Not sure ??/

Let me try to lay things out. I have admitted to my BS that i lied and tried to cover up my cowardly acts of betrayal. I owe my wife everything to how i have come to my senses with regards to how a relationship looks like. (still need work) Our marriage was bad from the start, because of me and my lies and ability to tell her how i lived my life prior to her. I feel head over heals in love with the most beautiful women i ever met. What i have come to relies is at that time in my life i didn't know how to really treat her and i have really blown up any chance of recovery because of my lam excuses. This is why i ask am i to late......

I know my BS has used this site often i am not sure of her screen name. She even told me to come here for help. I read surviving an affair and still messed up in how to recover. I couldn't face the truth of all of gory details that she wanted and they all have cause new triggers. I even tried to control how and what she needed here.......

To answer some questions:
I have never posted here before
Unsure if my BS has.

I have not told you all any lies.

I am looking for a plan to help recover and i know it starts with the truth. Someone mentioned a one year plan what is this? You all have a vast amount of knowledge and some of you have accomplish this goal.

Thank you all for your honesty. I can take the hard stuff so do not hold back....

Thank You I will read the Takers on the web site...

ami2late, do you work with OW? Have you cut off ALL contact with her, including even seeing her without talking to her?

No I do not work with the OW and my BS informed me my OW got remarried. I did not know this and have not had any contact form 2 days after discovery..

Would your BW be willing to come here and talk with us?

I am still reading alot of excuses and glossing over in your posts. If I see it, your wife has to see it. In your first post you blamed her for not meeting your needs and here is another where you excuse lying by saying you "couldn't face the truth." [another lie] You could face the truth but chose NOT TO. Instead you chose to torment her by not giving her the facts about her life and then cowardly claim that you couldn't face the truth.

I would focus on being honest and drop all the excuses and blameshifting. That won't work for you.

Listen to melody - people who dont regret it bitterly!

When you say you 'cant face the truth' what you mean is it causes you shame to the point of pain to have the ugliness uncovered.

Well, it is supposed to. You are supposed to humble yourself before your wife and give her the truth you so callously hid.

Do you really expect to get through this without any red cheeks?

Are you done being a coward or not?