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Marriage Builders Forums Infidelity Surviving an Affair Trying to rebuild and would like advice

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Trying to rebuild and would like advice #2537685 08/23/11 12:51 PM
Joined: Jul 2011 Posts: 357 midwest F FindingFreedom Member
FindingFreedom Member F Joined: Jul 2011 Posts: 357 midwest	I am the WW. I recently confessed 3 days ago to my husband. Understandably, he was crushed but forgives me and wants to restore and recover. The OM has agreed to cease all contact with me to give me a chance to save my marriage. I am fighting the withdrawal symptoms, and telling my husband so. I really want to call OM, but know that I cannot if I want any hope of getting off this sickening merry-go-round and pit of sadness and guilt that I have chosen for a year. My husband is committed to me despite my unfaithfulness. My question is, how long do these withdrawal symptoms last from the addiction that I formed ? It is my own fault for the affair, and of course I deserve all this sadness in my own life because I am a liar and betrayer. Is there another wayward here who could encourage me that this withdrawal will end with time and distance ?? I am having trouble coping. I am answering my husband's questions and trying to be accountable. Have not called OM but sure want to. Every hour is a battle. I really want the victory and to put this behind us. me: FWW/BW Married 20 years, 4 kids We made it.

Re: Trying to rebuild and would like advice FindingFreedom #2537689 08/23/11 12:58 PM
Joined: Mar 2011 Posts: 94 I InnerStrength Member
InnerStrength Member I Joined: Mar 2011 Posts: 94	Set me Free. You will get a lot of good advice here! Listen carefully and do what these people recommend-they have been exactly where you are now!!! The veterans will be here to give advice-BE HONEST they can smell a counterfeit a mile away. Me-BH-39 WW-34 (Strugglingaz) Married 7-dated 3 previous D-10 D-6 1st D-day-2-26-11 2nd D-day-5-17-11 NC-3-9-11---Broke 4-2-11, 4-8-11-,5-16-11 Maybe more BH-Filed for D-5-17-2011 Divorced 2-21-2012

Re: Trying to rebuild and would like advice FindingFreedom #2537697 08/23/11 01:11 PM
Joined: Oct 2009 Posts: 12,357 M maritalbliss Member
maritalbliss Member M Joined: Oct 2009 Posts: 12,357	PleaseSetMeFree, who is OM? Do you work with him? Live near him? Is he married? D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!

Re: Trying to rebuild and would like advice FindingFreedom #2537706 08/23/11 01:26 PM
Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp P Pepperband Member
Pepperband Member P Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp	Welcome to Marriage Builders ! Originally Posted by PleaseSetMeFree I am the WW. You are an adulterous wife. It hurts and stings to see it written that way. But, the truth stops you from romanticizing what you did. Adultery is never good for anyone. Quote I recently confessed 3 days ago to my husband. What brought about your confession? Was he already suspicious? Or, was he completely blindsided? Quote Understandably, he was crushed but forgives me That super fast forgiveness may not stick. He may feel very unforgiving in a few weeks or months. I am preparing you in case this happens. Quote and wants to restore and recover. Aren't you fortunate ? Quote The OM has agreed to cease all contact with me to give me a chance to save my marriage. Did you write a NC letter with your husband's approval? Is OM married? If he has a wife, his wife needs to be informed so she can protect herself. Quote I am fighting the withdrawal symptoms, and telling my husband so. Be even more mindful of your BH's current feelings, your feelings of withdrawl are less important. PSMF, if you FOCUS on helping your husband get through the worst pain he's ever experienced, your mind will go to thoughts of OM with less and less frequency. Quote I really want to call OM, but know that I cannot if I want any hope of getting off this sickening merry-go-round and pit of sadness and guilt that I have chosen for a year. Translation: You really want to stab your beloved husband in the heart. Quote My husband is committed to me despite my unfaithfulness. Not continues unfaithfulness ..... be careful. Quote My question is, how long do these withdrawal symptoms last from the addiction that I formed ? The more you pay them attention the worse ther will get. Quote It is my own fault for the affair, and of course I deserve all this sadness in my own life because I am a liar and betrayer. Please share details of your affair/adultery. 1. Any previous cheating/adultery? 2. Who is OM? Neighbor? Friend? Co worker? 3. How long did the EA/PA last? Quote Is there another wayward here who could encourage me that this withdrawal will end with time and distance ?? [quote] I would think you'd be better off asking how you can restore your life and heal your husband's wounds. Please READ THE MB BASIC CONCEPTS. [quote] I am having trouble coping. Why? Did OM end the affair? Quote I am answering my husband's questions and trying to be accountable. BE accountable. No"try". Quote Have not called OM but sure want to. Translation: "I'm thinking about myself. I don't care about the knife in my husband's chest when I am thinking about myself." Quote Every hour is a battle. I really want the victory and to put this behind us. You work through it. You can do this. If you want to call someone, call your BH. Call your mother. Call your pastor. WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS LINK ~~> Carrot/Stick of Plan A LINK ~~> Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders

Re: Trying to rebuild and would like advice FindingFreedom #2537717 08/23/11 01:37 PM
Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp P Pepperband Member
Pepperband Member P Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp	** LINK * <~~~ All posters need to know this stuff. LINK ~~> Carrot/Stick of Plan A LINK ~~> Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders

Re: Trying to rebuild and would like advice Pepperband #2537718 08/23/11 01:39 PM
Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp P Pepperband Member
Pepperband Member P Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp	** LINK ** <~~~ Buy this book !!!! LINK ~~> Carrot/Stick of Plan A LINK ~~> Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders

Re: Trying to rebuild and would like advice Pepperband #2537719 08/23/11 01:40 PM
Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp P Pepperband Member
Pepperband Member P Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp	** LINK ** <~~~ Read this thread. LINK ~~> Carrot/Stick of Plan A LINK ~~> Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders

Re: Trying to rebuild and would like advice Pepperband #2537725 08/23/11 01:51 PM
Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp P Pepperband Member
Pepperband Member P Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp	Get a complete STD screening. Then, repeat it in 6 months. LINK ~~> Carrot/Stick of Plan A LINK ~~> Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders

Re: Trying to rebuild and would like advice FindingFreedom #2539155 08/29/11 02:23 PM
Joined: Oct 2009 Posts: 1,757 Virginia G GloveOil Member
GloveOil Member G Joined: Oct 2009 Posts: 1,757 Virginia	Originally Posted by PleaseSetMeFree I am the WW. I recently confessed 3 days ago to my husband. Understandably, he was crushed but forgives me and wants to restore and recover. The OM has agreed to cease all contact with me to give me a chance to save my marriage. I am fighting the withdrawal symptoms, and telling my husband so. I really want to call OM, but know that I cannot if I want any hope of getting off this sickening merry-go-round and pit of sadness and guilt that I have chosen for a year. My husband is committed to me despite my unfaithfulness. My question is, how long do these withdrawal symptoms last from the addiction that I formed ? It is my own fault for the affair, and of course I deserve all this sadness in my own life because I am a liar and betrayer. Is there another wayward here who could encourage me that this withdrawal will end with time and distance ?? I am having trouble coping. I am answering my husband's questions and trying to be accountable. Have not called OM but sure want to. Every hour is a battle. I really want the victory and to put this behind us. PSMF, are you still out there? There are a few of us who've walked in your shoes & had affairs (like I did) and recovered our marriages despite all. There are also a few people here who've had affairs & have not recovered their marriages, and whose advice re: what NOT to do can be every bit as useful. And there are many people here whose spouses had affairs, and who can give you insight that you won't get anywhere else on how this has been, is, and will be for your husband. It's all at your fingertips here. A few weeks ago, on this site, you asked for prayer for healing. I take it, then, that you believe in a God? As a Christian man, let me tell ya something I found out about God: It's pretty rare for Him to go "zap" and just make your problems disappear, like magic. There's no growth to be done by you in that scenario, is there? Rather, what He will often do is lay some tools at your feet, with which you can roll up your sleeves & get to work on solving your problems. I have found that the MarriageBuilders approach to dealing with an affair, and to restoring romantic love within a marriage, is one of the better tools around. The book "Surviving An Affair" is one that my wife & I have both said may have saved our marriage. I don't get a penny for saying so. Is it one answer to your prayer? Maybe. I will caution you that of the wayward spouses we see here, most of them seem to be not really serious about ending their affairs the right way, or about ending them at all. They'll make a couple of posts, and then they'll decide that satisfying their immediate craving to be with the affair partner is more important than their spouses' feelings, their children's feelings, or their own integrity. If you're one of those, then don't bother. In that case, the best & most honorable thing you can do is divorce your husband. Spare him the pain of fake recoveries. However, if you're serious, then chime back in & we can get to work. I know about withdrawal. I know how to beat it. There are tools at your fingertips & at your feet. There are some needed 2x4s that you may come to appreciate over time, and there is encouragement to be found, too. But you've gotta roll up your sleeves, pick up those tools & start using 'em. Me: FWH, 50 My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold DD23, DS19 EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09 Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009 Married 25 years & counting. Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband. "I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol "Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009

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