She will probably already KNOW by now she is being watched so the var is your best bet. One way to know is if she is spending more time IN HER CAR and she is going on "errands" more frequently, which will enable her to talk more.

So Cal,

My ww hide the om number under the name of our refinancing company. She always said I could go through her phone as well but I never would've thought of that. She probably is hiding it under a name you never would think twice about.

Also could be very unlikely she admits it. That would help with just compensation for you if she did.

I would tell her of the poly a few days before and tell her if she doesn't take it or doesn't come clean now your done. If she takes it and the answers don't match up your done. Don't be a doormat.

The poly guys know what kind of questions to ask-just tell them what you are trying to find out.

I wanted nothing more than to save my marriage, but some ww just don't see a second chance as an Awakening Moment!!

my h hid all of the numbers under business realted things. look on operation investigate, i listed my questions there. the price is about right. you questions have to be broad they will explain it all to you.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2520434#Post2520434

look for another phone in her car.

The VAR in the car will get you the evidence you need at this point. That, in addition to a GPS tracker.

The car is your key.

Trust your gut, my friend. Where there is smoke there is fire and there is a ton of smoke in your situation.

Is OM married?

Kids in your sitch?

Keep us updated. This whole thing reaks of an affair.

I wish some of the vets would comment on this, but you need to be very careful here.

This sounds very much like an ultimatum, and ultimatums are controlling and one of the biggest love busters possible that rarely work.

Are you really prepared to follow through with the consequences? Will you go immediately to your lawyer and do the fast track to divorce if she refuses, if the poly shows she is not being truthful? The second you waiver on your consequences is the second she knows you will not follow through and she can continue playing her game.

Someone will post on the difference between demands and boundaries. It is something to learn and takes a while to get the concept.

I'm not saying you shouldn't demand the polygraph, I'm just saying to think through making it an ultimatum. See if this sounds better:

"I am requesting that you take a polygraph I have scheduled so that I can know without a doubt your relationship with OM. I will not live in a marriage where there are secrets and will not live in a marriage with another person involved."

See the difference? Now you are asserting your boundary, and the boundary is that you will not live with secrecy or another man. How you enforce that boundary is up to you. It may be with divorce, it may be with the polygraph results, it may be with extraordinary precautions in place.

Ultimatums are about trying to control the other person's behavior, boundaries are about controlling your own behavior and actions.

What this does ....



And, your WW needs the truth to come out to save her from herself.


Bad plan.
Don't do it.

Instead, invest in a PI.
Do it right away.

The GOOD NEWS is that you know who the OM is.
Is he married?
Does he have kids?

Once the PI is working .... Contact OM's wife and tell her something like this:

"I have been suspicious for awhile that there is a budding romance forming between your H and my W. On (date) in (city) at (event), your H came to my W's room and behaved in a very suspicious and inappropriate way. I would not be surprised if they are actually having a full blow affair. I think you should watch things from your side."

But, don't tell her about the PI until the PI has found evidence.

One more thing, not so pleasant.
Buy a semen detection kit.
Keep it on hand.
You will recognize when it's time to use it.

She won't be interested in recovery for awhile.
Hang in there.

Please, be pro active when it comes to really learning what your rights are as a father in your state.

Meanwhile ..... PLAN A LIKE A ROCK STAR

(if you have not already read the carrot/stick thread, it's linked in my sig line)

FROM THE ART OF WAR THREAD ********


Force is the control of the balance of power, in accordance with advantages.

In Plan A ... the BS restores their power to affect change. Plan A gives the BS an advantage with their intimate knowledge of their spouse's ENs.

Warfare is the Way of deception.

Deception meaning .... showing more strength than you might possess at that given time ! Hiding your weaknesses. Plan A ... not begging, crying, pleading ... standing tall and presenting a self ready to battle & fight for the marriage.

Therefore, if able, appear unable,

Plan A ... let your WS provide you with things that save your energy for future need.

if active, appear not active,

When snooping about like a squirrel searching for seeds of the affair, appear calm & serene ... Plan A snooping is done quietly & without announcing >>> "Ah-Ha ... Look what I found !". Be stealth.

if near, appear far,

Plan A ... keep your WS guessing where you are.

if far, appear near.

What seems just out of reach is sometimes more attractive. What seems a sure thing, is taken for granted.

If they have advantage, entice them;

Offer the WS goodies ... as in meet their ENs.

if they are confused, take them,

Plan A is confusing to the WS. They would prefer the BS appear ugly & unattractive in order to justify their cheating. It is confusing for the WS to see an attractive BS.

if they are substantial, prepare for them,

Plan A ... get all your ducks lined up. Legal preparations. Financial preparations. Spiritual preparations. Etc.

if they are strong, avoid them,

Plan A is not plan doormat. They can wipe their feet elsewhere, but not on your back. Accepting abuse is not an attractive trait.

if they are angry, disturb them,

LOL .... The WS speaks with foggy tongue, disturb them with fog responses.

if they are humble, make them haughty,

If the WS is over-confident, they become sloppy & make errors.

if they are relaxed, toil them,

Keeping an affair going is exhausting to the WS. It's like a juggling act. Throw the WS another ball to keep in the air. The affair will fall when the juggler becomes exhausted by the added effort.

if they are united, separate them.

Do not become the fool that encourages both the WS and the OP to join forces. If you act insane during Plan A, they have a common enemy to fight ~~~> YOU !

Attack where they are not prepared, go out to where they do not expect.

Do the UNexpected in Plan A. Keep the WS guessing & wondering.

This specialized warfare leads to victory, and may not be transmitted beforehand.

Do not give away your plans.... do not show the WS your books. Do not invite the WS to this site. Stealth.

Before doing battle, in the temple one calculates and will win, because many calculations were made

Plan ... you must have a Plan or you will suffer & be defeated.

before doing battle, in the temple one calculates and will not win, because few calculations were made

Don't waste time flailing about .... get organized & recruit helpers.

many calculations, victory, few calculations, no victory, then how much less so when no calculations

Do not proceed by your feelings alone. Develop your plan.

By means of these, I can observe them, beholding victory or defeat!

The BS who refuse to develop & follow a plan, are most likely to fail.

Quick update. I wanted to talk to her last night, but I decided to get more feedback from everyone here. Also I wanted to have a poly scheduled before asking her to take test. I might back off based on the advice I've gotten so far.

Since her event last weekend she has been distant. Zero affection and little conversation. Her excuse has been that she is tired. She also said that she hasn't slept well because she has been thinking about work.

One of the reasons I want to push for poly is I need an answer fast. My wife really wants to get pregnant. (We already have 2 year old son). Obviously I want to make sure our marriage is on solid ground before going down that path.

A little more history about my wife. Her parents split when she was young. WW's mom made vague allegations that WW's dad cheated with secretary. It was never exposed to children and it was kept in dark. WW's personality is very much like her dads. When we started dating she said if I ever cheated she would leave me. She said it was an absolute deal breaker.

I think that IF she is cheating, it would be very hard to get her to admit to it. She is stubborn and I'm sure feels a great deal of shame.

Thanks everyone for your help. I don't know what I would do without the help.

OM might be backing off.


She is cheating.
No pregnancy in the near future.
Skip the poly at this time and hire a PI.


None of this matters.


Remorse is more important.

Is OM married?
Please respond.

Yes. He is married. He actually lives very close to us. Less than 5 miles.

I have not talked to her about it because I have no evidence other than intuition.

Yes you do have first hand experience!

Tell her how her husband went to your wife's hotel room not expecting to find you there.

Tell her that you find her H and your W are inappropriately close/intimate with each other and you suspect a "budding romance".

You don't need concrete proof for that.

The sooner you contact OMW, the better.

If this is "only" an EA at this time, confronting the OMW may prevent a PA from developing.

Do it.

I agree 100%

Cal,

It is possible that the OMW may already suspect that something's up but is being gaslighted by her H (OM).

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

I was gaslighted big time. It ended up being a PA and was very hard to kill.

That is something to consider.

I know OMW through the company Christmas party. That is a call I am not looking forward to. Do I ask her to keep quiet?

Absolutely NOT.

My wife made sure to point out that OMW was staying at the hotel where the event was. I guess to make me worry less? However the second night OM went for late night walk after dinner instead of going back to his room with his wife.

I will ask OMW if she ever stayed at the hotel. (Specifically the first night of the event when I was not there).

You might find this hard to believe .... waywards LIE !!!