You are correct. I have been half in. Trying to do whats best in the event of a divorce while trying to work thing out. On the fence, no doubt.

No exposure with plan A
Then a plan B peaking her interest. Followed by return to A ending on bad note
Then getting ready for plan D.
I have spent allot of time saying some bad stuff to WS (never had a fight before in 8 years of marriage)

Today as we are discussing divorce logistics she mentions us going with her to next base until tax money comes to move us where we want to go. I start to tell her ,
"it would be easier if..." and i stop.
What i wanted to tell her was "it would be easier on the kids if we didn't come along, since they are used to you being gone"

but i thought maybe if we went, maybe if she saw how good the family could be she would want to work on it. I told her that, this underlined paragraph, and her "demeanor" changed.

She types very "blah" if that make sense. Very "non committed" phrases like "Yeah", "sure", "k" (eeyore like actually) After that she was "tuned in" so to speak.
Saying things like
"Now who is playing who" "Would you like to continue this conversation?" "Yes" Asking if i wanted to work on it.

status,
Affair exposed.
No contact mandatory put in place via work.
Learned of past PA which she continues to lie about.Still in contact with OM
Suddenly interested in discussing reconciliation after i mentioned it (before it was all business)
Cross country move in 3 months when she returns.Means no testing the water in a live across town sort of way.
Either risk it all hoping for it to work and not get burned, or risk it all giving up hoping it was the right decision.

I don't know whats "real" and whats me finding "hope" in whats not there.

I don't get me either. But my goal is to give my kids the best possible future i can.

Unloved,

Are you saying this is your wife's second affair and she is still in contact with OM#1? And she wants to remain in the military? Staying in the military would mean continued separations from deployment and training. Without a change in environment (leaving the military), you are in for affair after affair with you sitting on the sidelines doing nothing. Do you think that would be the best possible scenario for your kids?

AM

This is the #1 thing I just learned concerning my WH's deployment affair.

I learned there are soldiers that pick out their "Sex buddies" when they arrive at their destination. In my case my WH's OW picked him because he could be her "Knight" over there.

After speaking to many military wives and husbands they filled me in on the dark side of it all. Basically the people in the unit sleep around with each other with the understanding it is just to fulfill their needs during deployment. This is all kept a secret and when they arrive back home all is forgotten.

There is always large amounts of alcohol involved with the deployments as well. My WH was drunk three times in our 15 years of marriage.

Now he is drinking all the time, and was continuously drunk during his deployement.

I am not is a good place to be very supportive of our military at the moment. I feel the Army failed me and my family horribly because they let my WH and OW actually live together off base housing. This was all that was needed for my WH to fall in love with her and now throw his entire heritage in the trash.

For you to ever have a peaceful marriage her military career must end. She has proven herself to you. She can never be trusted while away from the home and around other men.

Tough~

Itistoughlove,

This is a threadjack regarding military approach to affairs. i would have written on your thread on the military forum, but I could not find it.

I understand your disillusionment with lack of support from the military. There is a prominent double standard. The regulations and rules are in place. However, leadership does not enforce them. I believe there are many reasons for this. Leaders are busy, don't want to be bothered, do not want to lose deployed military to the judicial system, etc. I believe the biggest reason is that many of the leaders are involved/have been involved in affairs themselves. In our case, my husband was in a senior leadership position. The OW's previous affair partner was the two-star general commander of several thousand. It is unlikely that this commander or my husband would have empathsized with the need to investigate and combat adultery.

This is not a new attitude. GEN Eisenhower's affair with his driver was covered up until after his death. Thirty years ago, when my H and I were assigned in HI, there was a group of women at the officer's club who were dubbed the "mid-pac wives". On the night the fleet left Pearl Harbor, these women would slide their keys down the bar and whoever caught a woman's key would go home with her. Unfortunately, I am certain there are many stories like this. While I am disappointed in the military, I realize it is a microcosm of our culture. IMO, equally disturbing is the move for more states to pass no-fault divorce laws where adultery is overlooked.

End of T/J. Unloved, I hope you are able to buld a good life for you and your children. I hope they become your number one priority.



AM

this is the 2nd EA (that i have proof of) and the 2nd PA i have proof of. (keeps denying 1 though).

She wants a divorce. She wanted us to come with her but she "couldn't promas anything" (Because she' still got plans with guy #2, (and from what i have seen guy number #1, but guy number 2 doesn't know that)

There is nothing left to do but gather my evidence, try to stay civil and file.

You can lead a horse to water but...

No one here will argue with you if you want to file. But, I think that you should find a way to get into Plan B, since that is going to be the best thing for you at this point. Don't give her a "civil" and friendly D, play hard ball. She deserves to suffer the full consequences of her actions. Do the two of you live together? Why does your siggy say "Plan B, maybe D" , but there is contact? Why did you give up on Plan B?

Are you doing a Plan A until you plan B? It is extrememly difficult to deal with an active WS, and whenever there is contact, the A is considered still active. So what is your PLAN here? What are you trying to do? If you want to attempt to save your marriage, by using MB, we can help keep you on track with that. If you want to just do your own thing, you can vent here, and keep us updated. What is it that YOU want to do?

I would say myself, that nothing would wake me up as a mother MORE than to suddenly one day find out that 1)my kids were taken from me or 2)that half of my paycheck was being taken from me because I had to pay child support to my separated husband, whom I had cheated on.

Doing those 2 things might very well pull her head out of the fog and out of her butt too.

I need to plan b for me but it will not help our marriage.

Yes i will be playing hardball. Have a lot of stuff on her and don't think it would be in the childrens best intreast to visit her. I don't want to cut her off from them but with her choices i wouldn't want her babysitting the kids even. She can come to us. (need to find out if the info is admissible in court)

She is deployed, we are not living together.
Went plan B, but found out more. After being called to the commanders office and given a no contact order, she is screwing 2 other guys. Risking our childrens very future

All i can do is hold my tongue until the divorce is final.