I'll try to give any information that relates to my question..

Married 11yrs, 3 kids (12/9/5)
First year was good, but arguments and lack of working together made us distant for the first 4or5 years.
after our 3rd child, wife had email ea, diagnosed bipolar, and the next 5 years have been steady decline.

There are definately some issues I have with the marriage that could be considered deal breakers, that have gone on a long time. Gambling addiction for the last 5 years is one of them.

at any rate, i found some innappropriate texting between wife and boss, followed by confrontation/ling the whole 9 yards. I confronted OM, and it ended.

Now, after barely making it through the last cpl months, wife wont go to counselling, refuses to change, etc...

last week I finally said enough is enough andtold ehr I wanted separation and that we needed to start thinking about that and how we are going to go about it the best.
next day she agreed (very hesitantly) to do a program (Marriage builders concepts/questionaiires etc...)
But did basically say that if thats what will make me happy for now she will do it (in other words, ill do it if that'll make you stay, but still doesnt really want to)

started program sunday night, started with going through summary of basic concepts.
followed by marriage analysis.

for those who arent familiar with it, the analysis is a rating of 16 areas/topics, with 4 being great and 1 being "must change to save marriage" type thing.

anyways, out of 16 topics, she rated me with the below:
1's - none
2's - 2
3's - 1
4's - 13

she outright said there there isn't much more I can do to make her happier, but is also saying this program wont work because according to the analysys she is the onlyone that needs to make some changes.

then she balled for 2.5 hours because she felt so guilty that she is essentially the problem and doesnt want to cahnge.
so, even though she is doing the program, ( I think, she may very well up and decide not to do anymore), am I wasting my time?

i keep thinking that maybe if we read through the concepts, do teh questionnaires etrc... maybe it will help her see that she needs to make the changes? i dunno

she is still derailing.
if i say I want to do the program because I am not happy, she says "why are you all of a sudden not happy and need to change? what is wrong with just a "fine marriage" ??


she keeps saying I am delusional because I think this program is going to make us have a perfect ideal marriage.
yet i have said a hundred times i just want to be happy, i dont care what type of marriage it is.

It sounds like there may be more going on with her boss than you know.

Have you been keeping a close eye on her? Snooping?

Does she still work with him?

very close eye
she still works there, but all she gets out of him now is a "hello". I know this to be true.

langaan, you will not be able to recover your marriage as long as they are in contact. Why hasn't she left that job??

she refused to leave the job, she still denies it was an ea or the beginning of one.


FYI, i asked her today if we could sit down tonight to go through some more mb stuff.

she just texted me to tell me "she can't do it, she can't have anymore nights like that night"


to explain, she says she can't handle the emotions. she breaks down crying, does a little shaking as a cherry on top etc...

when she agreed to the program a week ago, it was based on the fact that I was ready to talk separation. and now shes changed her mind so

not sure hwo someone can get to be sooooo ... i dunno what to call it.

What kind of snooping are you doing? Do you have a VAR? GPS? Keylogger?

There was a radio segment on a bipolor person "self-medicating" with the high of an affair. I will see if I can find the link. Is she on meds and are they working?

From someone with a family history of depression... I can tell you that when depressed I can see im depressed and can't "fix" it which in turn makes me more depressed and angry with myself.

Not making excuses just wanted to make sure you have that base covered also.

hdb, i have keyloggers/gps, surrounding sound recording on her cell etc...

luvsdavid, that sounds like my wife.

2 months ago she was talking seperation because of the 2 emoitional needs I wasnt meeting (rec companionship and conversation)

today, now that she is aware of all the LB's and EN she needs to meet, she wants to "go back to how it was"

in other words, meeting my needs is too much and the LB'ing is "part of who she is"

now we are in the same boat as last week, i will go home and she will ask if I am going to be fine, I will say know and she will have the nerve to say I should leave.

It looks like you've been here for 5 years saying basically the same thing over and over ... why have you put up with this for so long?

Quotes from some of your other threads this year:



I see a similar theme throughout your threads for 5 years. She knows you won't seriously put your foot down.

You are way overdue for Plan B. In fact, I see that has already been suggested to you here.

Are you afraid that if you plan B her you will lose her?

Affair addicts (and all other kinds) dont wake up and change until they hit rock bottom.

Let her hit rock bottom by kicking her out. Heal yourself and get stronger in Plan B

Dont let her back until she agrees to a FULL recovery.

Whats the problem?

If you read the wayward fog decoded link in my sig, you will see that a wayward needs to be made very very unhappy before they start to see that things are better in the M.

Plan B is IMPERATIVE towards killing the A with an unrepentant spouse.

It doesnt hurt your spouse - it hurts the A.

I asked her if she was going out last night and she said she wasn't, then asked why I was wondering..
I said just wondering, then asked again if she was willing to work some more on the concepts. She said she coudln't. She said it is too hard for her and she just can't do it. She said the first night we worked on it that ended up in her uncontrollably crying is too much for her. So i asked if she knows why she was crying and she said no. I asked if she could figure out why so we caan talk about that and she got annoyed and re-iterrated that she can't do it. So I got up and proceeded to walk in the house, and she stopped me and asked if that meant I was upset and if we were going to be "not talking" etc... I told her that i was definately upset... and before i could go on she got mad and asked why can't we just move on...

i said that is not fair to ignore my feelings and move on... and again before I could finish she ran off crying and drove away. Seriously, it was like talking to a child.

anyways, indigirl, my problem I suppose is that I do not know how to plan B. My instinct is to ask her to leave, and have 3 times, but she refuses. She actually beleives I should leave because I am the one who isn't happy?

I woudl leave, but i refuse to do that without the kids. and at this time i cannot afford to get a place that can suit 3 children, nor is there even such place available. in fact there isnt even an apartment or house for rent of any sort.

so that leaves "seperated while living together".

so i could move my things into a room in the basement, and wait for an opportunity for another place, or wait until she decides to move out.

at teh end of the day, she is obviously going to make it very difficult either way.

i think i need to get away for a couple days. she doesn't give me a chance to even think. as soon as she realizes I am upset, thinking about seperation, won't be meeting her needs for conversation etc... she starts the whole "you should leave because it isnt fair to us" crap.

its like an ongoing ultimatim that I should be happy with her bs or leave.

hows that for fog.

Well you are not separated if you live together. That will be a disaster. You need to hire an attorney and make plans to separate. But we have already told you that numerous times. Your wife is an abuser and trying to reason with her is silly. You just need to man up and take control of your life.

IMO this is her way of punishing you. She knows it hurts you to see her crying. Don't let her get away with this.

I find that hard to believe. Even in the small, one-horse-town that I live in has homes for rent. Not even one? Come on ...

You will do what you want to do.

Langaan, you have been dealing with numerous affairs over the 6 years you have been here and nothing has changed. I don't see your wife as the problem here, but rather your refusal to accept the realtiy that your marriage is done. I would file for divorce and get this over with. Plan A is not intended to be a way of life for martyrs and conflict avoiders. Your wife has no intention of changing and no intention of recovering your marriage. Please accept it and move on.

Not like talking to a child, like talking to a drunken wayward. Why are you trying to get permission off a drunken wayward before moving on with your life?

YOU ARE IN THE DRIVING SEAT. or should be.



There is a plethora of information about Plan B on this site. What is it about plan B that you do not know how to do? Besides which, Melodylane, one of the best vets on here thinks you should move straight to Plan D. If you arent ready to file - at the very least, kick her out and have no contact at all with her. Get legal advice as Mel says and make plans to separate.



Dont be absurd. Get legal advice, kick her out, move away, do something to separate. TODAY

'going by instincts' isnt working. Going by instincts makes you lay your head and nice and quietly down ready for her to kick. Time and again.

Stop saying 'she wants, she says, she will, she wont'

Because you know she is drunk and nothing she does or says matters.

What are YOU going to do to get rid of this poisonous person in your home.

An alien has invaded your life and you are asking it how it feels.