I've been trying to figure out why I have these feelings of want to stay together want to get out. And frankly after the last time we fell out it seems like both of us are exhausted. But we keep saying we'll keep trying to work through it. This counselor is basically trying to get me to lean toward time apart to evaluate my feelings. I told him if I wanted that I would have done it already. todays topic was the "snooping" to keep track of her. I told him it keeps me sane to know where she is from time to time. I mean i dont do it every day just when i feel insecure or sad about the mess we are in. here's what he said today;

The fact that you feel like you have to go to those lengths, it doesn't seem like your secure or you trust that she won't hurt you in that way again. It may be best for the two of you to take some time apart so you can clear your head and really evaluate if you can go on in your marriage.

My advice would be to give yourselves some space in whatever capacity that you can and you have to really look at everything and be true to yourself and feelings and picturing yourself a year or two from now, do you think you will ever not have the desire to track her cell phone or those other things. If you can't honestly say that you can't then you may have to decide whether moving on is even an option.


Me BH
her WW for 20 years off and on longest affair 12 years same guy 2-3 others either one night stands or short affairs

married 25 years in 2012,together since 1984

Fire your conselor. Honestly he cannot understand your lack of needing to verify after multiple A's and a 12 year long LTA?? REALLY??

lol
Fire them.

One more clueless counselor. Sigh.

Have you considered finding a counselor who knows how to save marriages? This would be my suggestion. At the very least find someone is smarter than you and employs basic logic.

His advice is so irrational that I bet most posters could point out the obvious problems with his thinking.

Gar, do yourself a favor and hire someone who can transform your marriage. Your marriage can be saved. But a counselor like this will not help you because he has not the slightest idea how to save your marriage. Telling you to separate only increases your risk of divorce and telling you that snooping is bad is irrational. Obviously snooping is one of the fastest ways to restore trust - and security - in a marriage.

If you are going to pay someone to help you, hire Steve Harley, and you won't get stupid, marriage wrecking advice, you will get a plan to save your marriage. He won't waste your time with dumb ideas.

Every once in a while this lady's advice is dead on. As is now in your case.

Fire your quack now. Notice I did not call him by his title but by what he says?

No marriage will recover when spouses are apart.

Normal and sane and overall good idea to continue to check that WW is not carrying on any affairs. WW broke the trust.

Trust will return. Verifying NC is how trust gets repaired. However trust will never be at 100% pre Dday it will look as a piece of china that has been glued back together. The china will be whole but the cracks will be visible.

Thanks, I decided to go to start figuring out my plan to restore our relationship. This guy was an EAP counselor. I sensed his dislike of my situation. After he talked for a while I decided not to go back. I think I need a female to talk to anyway. I really want to learn what goes on in the mind of a WW and how I can better understand my WW, I want to forgive but I need to understand her better. I think there are details and reasons i will never know, but we are here and with all the pain I don't think either of us really wants things to end badly.

Faithful follower, maybe you can point me in the right direction. melody lane, I've followed all your advice. I've read all the basic stuff. Now I just want to understand my WW and her motives.

gar, getting into the head of a WW is difficult enough but one who had a LTA? Almost impossible. Imagine the justifications she made to herself to continue that R for 12 years! I think from the men who have posted here dealing with LTA's that it is getting them to end any C that is the challenge. After all 12 years is a long time and their is a certain amount of comfortableness and familiarity in that R with the OP that is difficult to let go of. My H had a 4 year LTA with the mother of his OC. Getting him to stop talking to her daily and to stop thinking of her as his friend was very hard. It took time for him to feel shame over what he did to stop the daily interactions. Also, waywards from LTA are habitual liars. Lying has become a way of life and they lie even about things that are unimportant. It took a long time to get my H to stop this as well.

If I were you, I would spend my money counseling with Steve Harley. I would get a plan for personal and marital recovery from the experts here at MB. It may cost more per hour but you will make far more progress than spending years with an IC or MC wasting your time and money over months and years.

Oh and if you want a female to talk to there is also Jennifer Chalmers Harley as well as Steve Harley.

This is a good thread for you to read, gar

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2029218&page=5