We have been married for almost 17 years and have two children. Our marriage has had struggles with finances (she is a spender, I like to save) and other usual things like how much time to spend with family etc.

Five years ago, we decided to enroll as a family in a Tae Kwon Do class. We thought it would be a fun way to exercise and learn self defense. The instructor was a charming man who started to ingratiate himself into our family. About two years into the instructor seemed to take an uncomfortable interest in my wife. He would make comments about her breasts to me...I mentioned it to her and she said it was innocent observation and not to worry about it.

She then started to spend extra hours at his studio to help with painting and cleaning...leaving me with all the household chores and watching the kids. As class continued, he would start to lampoon my career, my politics and even the kind of car I drove, in front of the class and my wife. I became frustrated and stopped attending his classes.

My wife continued taking his class and then said the intructor was getting a divorce from his wife. They started to spend extra time together and compare notes on how frustrated they were with their marriages. He started to come to the house to help with projects she claims that I didn't have time or skill to do.

Greenbelt, welcome to MB and please click on notify and ask the mods to move your thread to the Surviving An Affair forum.

In the meantime, get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley. Also, I hate to tell you this but it is most likely not an EA but a PA.

I confronted my wife and told her that the instructor is not welcome at our house and that she should stop going to his school...the only problem is he is responsbile for blackbelt testing and is one of the few instructors in the area that can certify her blackbelt training. Our marriage become more stressful and we decided to go to marriage counseling. The marriage counselor advised my wife to tell the instructor that she is investing time in our marriage. At this point, he seemed to back off a bit. Apparently, he provides her with emotional support and attention. I was busy working two jobs so she could be at home with our kids and was helping her with starting a consulting firm. So perhaps I was too tired to provide emotional support.

The marriage counseling sessions helped, somewhat, except having to defind myself against real or perceived slights from years ago. The sessions ended and I thought things were getting better until she started to study her second degree blackbelt...again she has been spending extra time with her instructor and even went to a black belt camp with him...and other students. Now I feel that I'm back at square 1. He inists that our kids resume his classes and he tries to chat me up and be all buddy buddy..

I am seeking some advice as to what to do...do I confront him and tell him I'm not comfortable with his relationship with my wife? Should we try counseling again? I'm frustrated because she seems to through everything back at me....it's all my fault that she is seeking out an extended friendship with him.

Watch this video as well

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html

The only way to restore your marriage is for her to go completely NC (no contact) with this OM (0ther man). Is she going to choose her sport over her M?

You need a black-belt in fighting for Marriage...

She won't go No Contact...she claims that only he can oversee her belt curriculum. I've suggested trying different schools or a different martial art sport but she refuses.

Greenbelt,

He insists that our kids resume his classes and he tries to chat me up and be all buddy buddy..

Sounds like a controlling lunatic who want to take over your life. INSISTS??!

I am seeking some advice as to what to do...do I confront him and tell him I'm not comfortable with his relationship with my wife?

No you speak with his wife, without first telling him, about what is going on.

Frankly this smells like a physical affair.

God Bless
Gamma

I would speak to his wife but they are already divorced.

Greenbelt,

That might not be a coincidence, and she may know more than you know.

She may also be able to tell you about other affairs OM had or is having in parallel with the one with your wife. This will be helpful to convince your wife of what a self-centered wad this guy is.

Should it come out that he is having an affair with your wife he also needs to be reported to the martial arts association he belongs to.

God Bless
Gamma

I thought about getting in contact with her to learn more of this guy's history. There is something about him that really concerns me as far as motives etc...

Greenbelt,

this is a link to another thread of a BH where the OM who wanted to appear as a "family friend"

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2511215#Post2511215

Greenbelt,

I am getting ready to put dinner on the table, but will write more later when I get a chance.

Sir, you must fight now for that black belt in affair killin'.

I suggest right now you snoop. Snoop smart and snoop well. Please visit the forum below called "Operation Investigate" and learn how.

I suggest you plant a voice activated recorder in her car, and also put a keylogger on computer or a device to catch messages from her cell phone. Imho, it smells definitely of an affair.

This man seems as if he deliberately is going after your wife now sir. Also, he has place himself as being a "friend" of your children and this is most despicable.

His contact with your w and kids must end now. Who pays for these lessons? If you do, I say you quit paying for it NOW. Stop the lessons.

But snoop. I think it also has gone pa. Physical affair. So sorry to say that but it reeks of it. And I would call HIS WIFE asap, as she may know something a LITTLE BIT MORE about this situation than you know.

I think that even if you are not paying for those lessons (and you must be, because all money is surely joint marital money), you are the father of those kids and you must stop their contact with that man. You cannot control what your wife does; if she refuses to stop seeing him, at some point you will have separate from her. But your kids are your responsibility and you DO control what they do - or you should.

How do you stand for his insisting that they keep going to his lessons? Who is he to tell you what your children must do?

I'm home with the kids and I'm sick with a fever and a bad cold and where is she...at his class. In 2008, I tracked her cell phone usage and found that he called her when she was out of town on a business trip. I asked her about the call and said that I will report him to the TKD organizations that he belongs to...she said that it would hurt too many people. After that, we entered marriage counseling.

The kids (my daughter especially) don't like him and refuse to go back to his classes. So that is a positive.

As far as payment goes, she claims that is coming from her side of the budget as she is working full time now. I'll see if I can get in contact with his ex wife.

I doubt the OMW is divorced from the OM. WW's and OM are known to lie to keep the BH from telling the OMW that her H is a WH in an affair.

Next I sorry to say your WW is having SF with the OM. I base this on years of being on MB.

You need to guietly gather evidence of an affair. For the BH's gut is never wrong. Do not tell WW what you are doing.

Put a keylogger on the computer.

Hide a Digital VAR in the home and hide one in the WW car. Also put a GPS in WW's car. As you gather evidence don't confront WW. Come here and strategize with us first.

Call OMW and expose what you feel is going on. Tell her what you have told us.

This OM is grooming himself as your replacement. Even your DD sees this and hates the OM and does not want to go to his class.

Do not allow your kids to attend his school. Insist on NC for the kids. Do not allow OM at your home. Tell WW that. Get a RO to keep OM away.

So you have ASSUMED that there might have been an affair and you did nothing?

You know, this probably WAS WHAT LEAD to his divorce probably don't you?

Do you want your family to fall by the wayside and fall victim to the affair also?

Please become bold. This man is an opportunistic leach. I would hire imho, a PI asap and have your ww and Mr. Miagi followed asap. You need surveillance asap. You need proof and you then need to BLOW THIS THING UP SKY HIGH.

I would take the evidence you have now and contact the TKD organization with the cell phone situation and tell of the OTHER inappropriate actions this man has made. He has insulted you in front of a class PUBLICLY, he has made sexual comments about your wife in front of you, and you have done NOTHING about this .

When is enough enough? Your kids need ONE PARENT to stand up for them stand up against this evil.

If your ww will not immediately stop contact, you go to plan B and you separate from her. I suspect this has been a physical affair that has gone under the radar (still can't figure out how it wasn't noticed) for several years.

The reason she's over at the studio all the time is she is helping him with the studio b/c she thinks she will be part owner of it one day...after she leaves home. If this is allowed to go on, you should just hand the dude your keys to the house, keys to the car, and turn over the checkbook and let him have your life. After all, he is ANGLING TO TAKE OVER YOUR LIFE.

What are you waiting for? Open an intelligent can of kick a*s on Mr. Miagi.

Greenbelt, have you exposed her affair wide and far? That is where I would start. Expose this affair everywhere in one fell swoop. Especially to the OM's parents. Does the OM have a Facebook page? If so, expose to all his contacts by sending them private messages telling them about the affair.

Additionally, as the father of those children, YOU should protect your children from him. He is a scumbag, an unfit adult who should not be allowed around your children.

I would sit down with your wife and DEMAND that she end her affair or this will lead to divorce. Thoughtful requests will avail you nothing. This needs to stop and if she won't the affair, I would look into legal means.

Paint her a very ugly, stark picture of how a divorce will be if she doesn't end her affair. Tell her you will file on grounds of adultery and have the OM brought into court to give testimony under oath about his affair. Let her know you will go for possession of the home and primary custody of the children. This will help burst her fantasy.

But if you want to make OT, Sir, you are going to have to open up a can of holy HELL on this affair. Complacence and appeasement will get you nowhere, and only makes it seem like you don't care very much.

Have you since exposed to the TKD?? If not, then WHY NOT?

Couple of responses...marriage counselor suggested less emphasis on him and more emphasis on her..woo her back etc.

If I went public, he could counter and say I am slandering him. Other than the fact they spend time together, I don't have actual evidence of an affair, other than meetings with a marriage counselor discusing it. She has denied any physical encounters.

I do want to preserve this relationship and I'm gathering info and kind of keeping a low profile on this. I have told my ww that under no circumstances would I allow the kids to attend his class.

I have told her that if we were to divorce and she started a relationship with him, people would figure it out and who would want to learn a sport or have their kids learn a sport from a man who is so ethically challenged.