I found marriage builders when I really needed it. I cried and laughed too, which was good..I felt promise! This is my first post. Four years after an affair, my husband is looking OW up on facebook. No contact has been made, but seeing it has brought back that horrible feeling. He has no idea that I saw her name in the suggestion box for find a friend. I do not want to overeact but I am definitely disappointed. I welcome any words of wisdom!

Welcome to MB, yousuck (which is not a nice name for me to call someone. Would you consider changing it?)

I had exactly your experience this year. 4 years after I exposed my H's affair to the other woman's husband (OWH) there was supposed to be no contact, but in April this year, the keylogger on my PC picked up his browsing her Facebook account. From what I could see there had been no contact.

The trouble was, the contact had continued with phone calls every few months AT WORK, not at home where they would not have dared risk discovery.

I only found out about the workplace contact because my H was due to retire the month after my Facebook discovery, and finally sent OW an email from our home PC giving her his private email address. Until then she had been free to contact him at work and I could not access his highly secure workplace email or landline.

The email sent from home (later in April) showed that they were planning to meet later this year, when her H retired and planned to spend a lot of time living in their home country. She and her H agreed that she would stay in Belgium to finish her work contract for another couple of years, while her H moved back home and waited for her early retirement.

My H and OW hadn't seen each other for 5 years (another email that her H found verified this) but the affair was kept on a low simmer by "how are you?" phone calls. When the opportunity arose for her to come here to London (you can do that by day-trip easily from Belgium, by train) it was a no-brainer for them to meet to "catch up". My H says he was not planning to have sex with her. ( Not.)

My point is that a Facebook browse was the tip of a much larger iceberg that only spying uncovered. I would never have known just from the browsing history that he had ever sent her a private email - the browsing history would only have shown "hotmail".

If you have been reading here you should know all about spying. Have a look at the forum Operation Investigate to learn how to put a keylogger on his PC and spyware on his smartphone. You should also get a digital voice recorder and hide it where he might make a secret call on a mobile phone - in his car, perhaps.

And by the way, you do not know that he did not contact her on Facebook. If he is sending her private messages on Facebook, these would not show up in the browsing history.

Get a keylogger and find out the truth about your own life. You can pay for and download eblaster in a few minutes. Keep posting here and you will get much help.

My suggestion is to immediately review your Emotional needs questionaires to determine if he is missing a need from you.

He is likely searching for her because he is needing some kind of fix, and she is the easiest fix to grab.

Before you confront him on this - continue snooping. Also, sit down and discuss if there is something he is needing from you.

Determine if both of your love banks are going below the threshold and then do what is needed to dump some love in soon.

How long married?
Previous marriages?
Kids?
Other serious problems such as addiction/gambling/porn/etc. ?

Is OW married?
How close in proximity is OW?
How long was that affair?

How well has your marriage recovered in the past 4 years?

Do this as soon as possible.
For now, do not confront your H.
Gather data first.

Welcome to MARRIAGE BUILDERS.

Read up on Plan A.
Click the carrot/stick link in my sig line for a brief outline of plan A.

LINK to other MB forum to help you gather info <~~~ Click here

Thank you for your help. You suck was the first thing I thought of 4 years ago. I will try to change it, thanks for the suggestion!

Thanks. I apologize for my offensive name. It was never intended to be rude to anyone else. I set it up in the heat of anger many years ago and never intended to post anything. It took me hours of tech support from this site to even get on, get logged in and everything else. I was only looking for support, I may not be perfect, but I am never rude intentionally. (Does not seem like a good start for me on this forum...too bad)

I will try all of your suggestions, thank you. Deception is very cruel...hard to believe that it can be inflicted by someone you have slept next to for so many years. I hope that we both find peace.

Thank you for your links and ideas. Feeling overwhelmed right now but I will check it all out. I will get back to you with answers to your questions when I can....thanks

Maybe I'm misunderstanding but if you are talking about the "you may know these people" box on the Facebook Find Friends page than your husband may not be trying to contact the AP. In my case I see people in that box that have asked me to be friends years earlier and I had declined.

I think you need to do more snooping to find out whats happening.

winthrop, I have read that FB is able to suggest friends based on email addresses that people may have used at some point to email each other. If your H gave FB permission to store info regarding his email address book, FB stored it and may be forming friends connections based on that. If your H and OW ever sent or received an email with the email addresses that FB has, her email address is stored as a potential connection for your H.

So I'm wondering if FB didn't just make a connection based on that, and your H really didn't search for OW.

I would hold off on panicking right now and get a keylogger on that computer.

After you've snooped and keylogged to confirm that this was just a terrible friend suggestion and your H is clean, I would also suggest that you or your H change his privacy settings so that OW doesn't show up as a friend suggestion anymore.

Thank you all for your ideas. I am clearly not a computer person. On top of the face book page there is a rectangular box where I typed in the 1st letter of a friends name and a box dropped down that showed the OW who has same 1st initial and her daughter who has the same 1st initial in her last name. I am almost positive that they have had no e-mail or other contact since the split. Although I will probably end up trying the keylogger (Which should really push me over the edge trying to figure that out! lol)first I will take the suggestion of reviewing the emotional needs questionaire and try to really look at and listen to what is going on in our relationship.

I'm saying that doesn't matter. If they ever had email contact with the email addresses that FB has, FB will suggest them as friends unless they block the person.

I'm not saying he didn't search for her (which could also trigger a friend suggestion.) I'm saying I don't want you to become alarmed - just on heightened alert.

Get that keylogger asap. Note: if your H can access your email account you'll need to set up a new account to order the keylogger and to receive reports. Don't use an account that he can access.

"I'm saying that doesn't matter. If they ever had email contact with the email addresses that FB has, FB will suggest them as friends unless they block the person."

YES.

FB suggests by algorithm. Change the email address and delete the old one, and also block. Do BOTH.