My wife and I were married for 15 years when she started having an online affair with an old friend. I understand what went wrong and why it happened. We ended up divorcing for about a year. She asked to come back to me and made promises to me that the affair had ended and she was dedicated to me. She even asked me to remarry her. It has been about 10 months since we were remarried and I have recently discovered evidence that has become involved with the same person. It looks quite involved as it was the last time. I guess my question is do I confront her with the evidence, do I ask her to stop, Or do I just tell her to get out. I don't know what to do. We read all the MB books and even got the work book. As soon as she got th the part about no contact with the lover she refused to go on with the program.

DMAC,

sorry you are going through this. I would do a little extra snooping to see if it has gone beyond an EA online.

CV

I would do this before confronting her. Not sure of the distance. No contact is an absolute must. Otherwise the affair will not die.

CV

Gather enough hard evidence that satisfies you, normaly you confront first however as you divorced due to the same OM I think your wife is a cake eater and you took her back to easily.

Expose the affair to all her family and friends and do the same on his side , do this in one wide reaching sweep . It is time you break this affair completely , after exposing confront her. Decide now why do you want to be married to her , you took her back and yet she continues to cheat . What has changed , where are the extraordinary precautions she should be following?

There is a zero tolerance of adultery and that includes NC for life with the OM.

Do not follow a half hearted exposure or skip some of the steps , the exposure must adversely affect the OM he must be seen for what he is . The exposure is also to tell people of your wifes ongoing adultery particularly since you divorced her the first time for the same reason.

dmac, welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry your marriage is in this place.

Can you give us a little background on what precautions you took, if any, to remove the possibility of this affair re-igniting?

No Contact should have been your main requirement. You're saying she refused No Contact and you remarried her anyway?

Did you secure her activities on the computer in any way?
A keylogger should have been slapped on that computer before she got anywhere near it.

Who's the bozo she's in contact with? Is he married? Where does he live and work?

It sounds to me like you've done nothing to affair-proof your M, and you're seeing the result of that.

Do you have children? What do YOU want to do? You are within your rights to end the marriage, of course. If you have enough evidence now, and want to end the marriage, confront her today and tell her to get out. Allowing her back into your life with no restrictions or precautions in place is a recipe for disaster, as you are now seeing. Allowing her to remain in contact with OM does not work, as you are seeing.

I don't get this, dmac. WHY did you allow her back into your life if she didn't agree to NC with Bozo???

dmac, the MB books aren't magic hocus-pocus. You can't just READ 'em, you've also both gotta DO what they advise. No-contact is about the single most fundamental piece of advice there is for ending an affair. She has to DO it. There's no shortcut around it. Either she cuts it off, or she stays emotionally attached to other men.

I thought I was affair proofing my marriage. She promised me he was history before she came back. We got remarried and about 2 months later I found out that they were texting. I went bezerk and confronted her. I then blocked him from calling or texting her and made her delete him from everything. Things went along great for several months then I started getting that "feeling" again. I put a tracker on her computer and found out they were talking again on yahoo messenger. Her OM is about 1000 miles away and is married with kids. It seems everytime I make her get rid of him she just finds another way that I cannot detect. I guess I'm just a fool and here I am again.

dmac, does the Other Man's wife know this is going on? Have you talked with her?

I dont think she does. I have not talked to her. I don't know how to get in touch with her. I don't even know her name. All I have is his cell phone number and his e-mail address. I'm sure she doesn't see either one.

But you know his name, right? Go to www.intelius.com and type in his name. It will bring up his name and associated names. For about 2 bucks you can see more information which may include an address. You might be able to get a phone number, as well.

Also try www.pipl.com - I've found that to be a fairly thorough search engine that might return enough info to give you something to go on.

Apply some elbow grease to this, dmac. She shouldn't be too hard to find. There is a very good chance that talking to her will bust this thing up. She's your high card right now. Make every effort to find her.

Please remind me - did you put a keylogger on the computer?

Well I confronted her with all my evidence. I gave her the choice. Either he goes away or she can get out. I also sent him an e-mail about my feelings about him. I must say it's probably a good thing he is 1000 miles away. I am going to apply some Elbow grease to this and see if I can expose things on his side. I dont know the best way to get her to move on from him though. She seems to have a connection to him that I haven't been able to break.

dmac, her connection to him is like gauze. It's a fantasy. You need to find out more about OM and get this exposed on his side. You're doing great so far!

Good deal! Exposure on his side will definitely help kill this. I didn't have to expose on the OM side, his wife did that for me. She sent out a mass mailing to every single person she knew. twice. She had actually discovered the affair months before I did.


Total exposure breaks the link and kills the fantasy.