Tried that and except for 2 or 3 times being caught out early on (brushed off as minor technicalities), she's tightened up and is really good, VERY good with her stitching up her stories (HUGE logical gaps remain but explained away or unrecognised as gaps by her). She's been so good at lying to me anyway since before the M and through 7 years of it that she can really make me run around in circles trying to catch her out. Besides, the last 3 months have been "incommunicado" on A talk, or specifically on any "further info"... denial is not only a river in egypt...

I wonder if the US consolate might be able to help in any way?

CV

Hello... this is bxhubby's wife.

It's my first time to post on the forums, but i just felt i had to sign up and get my 2cents in before it all gets out of hand. So, i just wanted to say a few things....


Well, the answer to that question is a definite yes. And for the "more info" part.... wait, not only did he carry on while i was pregnant..... when i was away at the hospital having his child, guess who else was in my bed at home? .... But i only found out months later by accident, that there's something going on, but i didn't know all the details and was too scared to confront him about it. And yet, months after that, when i did gather enough courage and despair to ask him about it (and that "something" was still going on) his first reaction was to blame me for everything wrong in the marriage, for forcing him into the A, and then saying it was all over anyway (which it wasn't, for many months afterwards). And that was it, end of discussion, he never wanted to talk about it with me again, cos according to him it was over, which he later told me it SO wasn't.

Oh, and by the way, the reason his PA was "sporadic" is simply because POSOW lives in another country and only visits here occasionally, otherwise they carried on online with voice and video and whatever other means available.

In the end, when communication channels opened up between the two of us a year later when he found out I ended up revenge A-ing online, after which i also revealed to him about an EA i'd had about 6 years ago that lasted some 3 months, then we both realized the huge mess we had gotten ourselves into. He finally told me most of the story of what really went on between the two of them, which really knocked me over, it was so much worse than i'd anticipated. Guess what. I didn't even get one day to grieve, not one day to cry in bed, or be upset and sad. Why? He got mad at me and said i was being distant and selfish and negligent.
He says in his own post:

Can you imagine how that felt? Listening to him tell me about what she was wearing? How she offered to pay for the hotel? The different positions they did it in? How many times? Some of which were in my own home? And then I'm called selfish for wanting to curl up in bed and die. I get him storming into the room angry at me for it. And not even one day to grieve...

Oh wait, i almost forgot.... did i mention the match making sites and the flirty chats and massive amounts of porn he'd been doing almost since the start of our marriage? And every time i would find something out, ask him to stop, or tell him it wasn't right, he'd deny, hide it more, and eventually just tell me to "stay out of his business" after which he stopped even trying to bother hiding it properly from me....

Sorry guys.... huge rant, i know... but i just couldn't keep it in much longer. And besides, you all need to know to have a bit of the other side of the story for a change.

LightReflecting, welcome to Marriage Builders! The fact that you're here means a lot. We look forward to hearing from you!

That being said, please start your own thread. We discourage posters from posting on their spouse's thread. We want to hear YOUR story. We want to talk to YOU - not with your hubby chiming in. He's got his own thread. It just works better that way.

Please start your own thread, okay?

Also, it's better that you don't read your H's thread, and he shouldn't read yours. We'll be taking care of him on his, and you on yours.

It just works better that way.

I'm looking forward to reading your thread!

Please read carefully. See what trying his best to follow MB is clarified as...

Where's the meeting ENs? Eliminating LBs? Doing PoJA and PoRH? He says he cannot break in emotionally, perhaps the DJs have something to do with that? Yes, I admit, he has cut out the AOs he was once famous for, but that doesn't mean i feel so much safer around him if he hangs on to the rest of his LBs.
His excuse is, all this stuff is basically the second step of the MB program and i quote:

Yeah, so basically we don't start working on ENs and LBs until later, which seems to be never.

Thank you for the warm welcome maritalbliss....
I kinda guessed as much about the "posting on a separate thread" part, but in all honesty, i'm not too sure i came here to start my own thread yet. It's just that i've been seeing bxhubby up late and typing frantically, and after seeing what he wrote i just couldn't help saying a few things about it. Am i allowed to finish and get it off my chest or do i really have to start else where?

Light, honey, if you really want to get in one response and then you're done, you don't need to start a thread.

I get the impression from your post that you have plenty to say. And you should! You deserve your own thread in which to do that.

Your WH is spending a significant amount of posting time here - which is great! He can't be in a better place. YOU can't be, either. But we can help you best on your own thread.

I wouldn't 'make you' if it wasn't in your best interest. And the truth is that I can't make you. I'm suggesting this because it will help you. I think you'll find that you're very glad that you did. Knowing the people on this site, I suspect that there are a number of posters here who are glad to see you and are hoping you'll start a thread so they can help.

Ok, well i'll just put in a final post hopefully and then be off.



Actually i'm the one who can't afford it, but at the time i felt it was our only hope, and so i spent every last penny i had on it (and then some) because i felt it was important get a third party to help us out. In the end, bxhubby felt it was useless and wanted to quit, and i was totally out of funds to carry on alone.

The polygraph? I've repeatedly offered to take one, but again, he refuses, says he can't afford it anyway, that it's useless because it can be beaten, that i'd lie anyway, that it isn't 100% conclusive, etc.

And finally exposure. Bxhubby and CV have both touched upon why it's close to impossible to do where we live, and yet, regardless, i've offered and agreed to exposure, even to the extent of allowing him to maintain his honor and keep his stories safe and just telling what i did, but he thinks it's too dangerous, and also useless again, because it wont make a difference and i'd lie anyway.

I don't know anymore, I'm all out of ideas. I've told him everything i know, but he insists there's more, and that's it, stale mate, that's where we've been stuck and there just seems to be no way forward.




Other than chatting online with "random internet guys", yes i did meet the 3 month (internet, then phone, then 1 meeting) POSOM#1 guy, but that was 6 years ago like i said, and initially i'd resisted giving my name or knowing his until much later when we told each other our names but then didnt actually use them.
When the EA ended, i was having feelings of guilt and shame and soon started feeling that even thinking of or remembering OM was like cheating on BH. So as much as i could i tried driving it all out of my mind completely whenever i felt it was creeping in. And of course any phone numbers or emails or any other trace of POSOM was destroyed, and eventually over the years i have forgotten the name and although I've tried explaining all this to bxhubby, and as hard as i try to remember, i cant remember his name, and he refuses to believe this. I've told him whatever else i can about that guy, described him, tried telling where he used to live, given as much detail of our conversations, of that meeting, of everything i can, but all my efforts seem to be for naught because he still thinks and insists that i'm trying to hide the name.

The other two online OM's i've told him everything about and as he said, one was an x-bf and the other an online friend from pre-marriage days. They both live a million miles away, so as far as any concerns about PAs being involved there, it's just not possible, and bxhubby agrees to at least that much.


Anyway, sorry for hijacking hubby's thread... i really didn't know where else to put this stuff!
Also thank you all for listening, for helping, and for all the advice given.
i just wish there was a light at the end of this tunnel.

I am very pleased you decided to post here and welcome you, LR. I would hope you would stay and post some more on your own thread, but that's up to you.



Advice from the amazing vets on here is free!

Thanks again maritalbliss. I'll surely keep this in mind for the future... It's just that right now I'm not entirely sure about getting "committed" to the forums, but i guess you never know... we'll just have to see how it goes from here.

Okay, Light. But I'd like to see you start your own thread. You'll be surprised at the input you get. Like I said, there are people circling this thread, just waiting for you to post one of your own. They're probably not going to respond to you on your H's thread. That means you're cutting yourself out of invaluable advice.

Re-think starting a thread, sweetie.

so true, and much appreciated as well.

(LightReflecting is feeling much better now with huge load off chest.)

There is. Start your own thread. That's the next step We can get you started down the right path.

BTW, starting your own thread is no more "committed" to this forum than creating a name and venting on this thread. It just makes it easier for people to help.

Oh, and my first post on this board was a vent on my husband's thread. Almost everybody does it No one's upset by the hijack ...

Besides all that above, she (as usual) displayed utter selfishness and insensitivity this morning...
bxh "you display selfishness and independent behaviour when doing blah (which hurts me a lot)"
LR "if thats how you're going to be, I dont want to be around you" *walks away

As for her rants about LBs-yeah; asking for O&H is a SD for her asking for the truth is a HUGE LB for her. Pointing out her dishonesty or telling her I didnt believe her about x or y or z (and then, sure enough, she did suss out some of the facts) - THAT is a DJ. Yeah, I cant complain about her insensitivity or dishonesty coz thats all a DJ. And I cant expect Radical Honesty since THATs a SD!!! She even knows how insincere she's been throughout and thats a LB (she hates me for knowing that shes being insincere and dishonest and been leading me down the garden path). How messed up is that?

bxhubby,

You must not come here to fight with your wife and get us to take sides. That is counter-productive to your marriage. Your post above slings accusations at her that we cannot understand or adjudicate on.

Agreed, however she gets a fair sling at me so I guess I felt I could return her the favour. But I agree, its not right to use this as a surrogate slanging match. Will refrain.

The point I did want to make though is that needing O&H seems like I am LB'ing her. Every time.

Why do you think that is the case? Is she refusing to be O&H? Does she not like honesty?

Is it the way you are approaching her about this concept?

"she'd be mortified if any of them knew the truth (specially if there was a PA which i believe in the distinct possibility of) primarily because of the "impossibility of exposure" reason (possible incarceration etc.. etc...)"

It does have something to say about the amount of motivation/addiction to have an affair if she had multiple affairs unter the circumstances mentiononed above.
This is something you have to adress.
I can imagine that you would rather save your marriage, taken into acount the age of your children.

If your wife keeps gaslighting you and refuse to tell the truth, despite overwhelming evidence, there might (I say might, because I do not know your wife personally) be some personality issues that come into play here.

***EDIT***

It is a big difference if your wife doesn't want to tell you because she is ashamed of her behaviour or if she doesn't want to give in because she hates having got caught and has bad judgement.