I was wondering how many others have doubts about if it would be better just to let them go. I love my H with all my heart and he is here now (physically) but I feel like he doesn't really want to be here. We did the emotional needs and love buster survey. I am trying to give him what he needs and put my needs on the back burner for now. It doesn't seem to be helping. I still feel like he doesn't want to be here. He hasn't given me my ring back, he only tells me he loves me after sex, and he seems so withdrawn. I want to make this work so much. I love him. I just don't want to be hurt again. I wish he would just give it a chance. I really believe we could make it if he would try. He loved me once, he could again. Maybe it is because he is in withdrawl. He won't talk to me about anything. I guess I just hang in there and hope for the best. I am just so scared he won't try.<BR>Thanks for the ear!<BR>Stacy<P>------------------<BR>Jaded Heart<BR>____________<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>and if I shed a tear I won't cage it<BR>I won't fear love<BR>and if I feel a rage I won't deny it<BR>I won't fear love<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>"Fumbling Towards Ecstasy"<BR>Sarah Mclachlan<P><BR>

HI,<BR> All the time, all the time. My W is living with OM (claims no physical) but she calls me pretty much every day. Today, to ask me to help our oldest with his car problems. She is in MLC and her father is dying of cancer. I HAVE TO BUG her to call her mother to see how she is!!<P> She is JUST SOOOOOO selfish right now. I went to stay with her mother the other night because this is the first time this (wonderful) 75 year old women will be REALLY understanding that her husband is dying and that he wasn't coming home. I didn't want her to be alone. My W needed to sleep!! I didn't do it for brownie points, I did it because it was the RIGHT thing to do. <P> Something they have NO IDEA about, something they WON'T deal with now!! <P> I understand what you're going through because they seem to want US to wait or understand or leave them alone or SOMETHING. Look what they have done, and WE have to hold the pain in and comfort THEM??!!<P> Sometimes I wish I NEVER found this site!! Before "here" I just thought her a (fill in your own word) and I was mad enough to forget her. <BR> MOST times I thank God because I think my marriage will be saved and BETTER and stronger (like a broken bone is after it heals) It's just so HARD to deal with!!<P><BR> Yes, sometimes I'd like to just give up and start over. I get SOOO BITTER!! <P> It's just not that easy. I love her. Love endures ALL? We'll see. Good Luck. Frank

I don't know if it means anything but about the 4th month into recovery I myself wondered the same thing. Do I ever get over what he's done to me and forgive him and do we ever make things work? It came to me in an explosion one day that heck, he was here and working on it and what more COULD I hope for? Sometimes you just have to let go of those niggling little thoughts that don't mean much. It was like forgiving, it took me a long time to not only forgive him but to forgive myself as well, but once I let go that was that. I wish you peace, it isn't illusive.....God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

Jade, I am inrecovery for a long time now. it's almost two years since de affair started and over one yearsince it ended. That kind of doubts stayed for a while.<P>With time they start fading more and more. But only time can do it, I think. And still, sometimes if there's a problem or we're a bit down, they might come althougin just a passing thought.I rememeber this summer we had a bit of a problem - that had nothing to do with his affair -and as I was thinking about his difficulty in separating the things that upset him at work and our life,and sometimes takes it on me, it just came to mind"maybe it wasn't meant to be, maybe we should have just given up when it happened..."it was just a passing thought,and it doesn't mean where not doing great, but I think sometimes, even after things are much better thoughtd like this might come.<P>However, I also think that most of the times they aren't much more than just venting some frustration, either because we can't see what we need to see in terms of our spouse's effort, or in answer to a stressfull situation. <P>Give it some time, it took my H some time, even though he said he wanted to work on our marriage, to really "get with the program" the way we both needed.<P>Take care<P>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Jadedheart,<BR> I can empathize with exactly where you're at. My H is 3 months into recovery and still very much in love with the OW and not me. I have enough hope and have heard this is so normal during the process of withdrawal from so many people that I just hang on to those thoughts to get through those tough times. When I see him drft off or sense he's really "gone" I use those times to call family or friends just to get my mind off of things or exercise. I try not to be around him during those times because it makes it more difficult on me emotionally. <BR> My best friend was in an affair for 1 year and ended it last fall and just in the last 3 months she acts like herself and is finally receptive to her H's efforts. She can finally describe the "temporary insanity" and outer space ride she was on and even how she pulled away from all family and friends to focus her energy on the affair. In my opinion, we as the betrayed will never understand what they go through because it is such a powerful state that it takes over every thing in their lives!<BR> My friend tried to describe it to me as trying to remember when you and your H were first dating and you were so excited to see him and get to know him and wanted to hang out wherever he was just to get a glimpse, etc.....and then try to end the relationship right there when all that excitement is at a peak. Affairs often seem to be stuck in the excitement phase because of the unavailability, the secrets, the taboos, etc... So I guess I'm encouraging you to try to put up with his current state with the realization that it won't last forever, and take time to focus more on yourself and doing things you enjoy. This sounds much easier than it is, but it's the only thing that I've found to help me, and there still are times I get very frustrated with the process. If we love them and want it to work, we must be overly patient and remind ourselves the sacrifice is worth it. Hopefully down the road they'll realize and appreciate our efforts more. Hang in there and I will too!!!<P>Jenn<P>------------------<BR>

Thank you all for your posts. <BR>You guys always have good advice! I love him so much I will fight till the end. It is just nice to know that other people know can relate to what I am going through and to find out how they handled it.<BR>Stacy

Hey hon! Haven't talked to you for a while and was wondering how things were going. I'm glad he is back home with you. At least now you don't have to work on your marriage from a distance. I really agree with everyone on this one. I think he is going through withdrawal and it will take some time.<P>I've read so many posts that say withdrawal takes up to 8 months. Let me tell you that is the magic number!! My H swears he has never missed the OW, but even though we were working on the marriage something just wasn't right. He was still selfish in some ways and I told him one day that if he could not make it easy to stay with him after what I had dealt with, I would leave. Miraculously, around the 8th month of recovery, everything changed. He is like a new man.<P>He will never admit that he was in withdrawal (we've discussed it) but I believe he was. Not over the sex, but over the friendship (emotional affair). He now is more dedicated to me than ever. It's like we are dating again. He's even really anxious to start a family now, and before, he did not even want to talk about it.<P>I guess what I'm trying to say is, give it at least that long. I know it's hard, but it's so worth it in the end. Love and hugs. --Kim