am very happy to write for the first time to the best counselor ever, I just finished reading the book "His needs, her needs" and I loved it, it was so good and made me understand my mistakes and the way I feel with my husband's mistakes. the only problem I have is that I have this question about man liking sex with more than one person, now my husband and I always been good friends we actually were best friends and we dated other people because we only consider us just friends and so we have some soft of open communication, however our sex has been always our major problem on both sides, he doesn't foreplay and show affect and he says am not open mind for not being a freak, and he just revealed to me that he has this fantasy about me with another man or being in a crowd and just me and him while the others watching, well I told him I won't go for that at all, however my mistake on trying to make him understand why I wont do it, I told him that he was a pig and blah blah blah, you know the typical women's reaction to something so bold. However he told me he just felt hurted that I didn't even give it a try, and that I killed his fantasy, but he says he is ok and he doesn't really need to make that fantasy a real thing, however he did in the past a swinger experience with a married couple and they told him it was their marriage salvation, wich I think is wrong but that's my thinking and he strongly affirms he is right about the orgy. Now since he says he is ok without it, but felt hurted, I don't wanna be like the selfish one in the relationship, and just the thought of my husband wanting me to be with another man really kills his love money on my bank because I can't forget it and I always wonder if he is gonna keep trying to make me go for it, always wonder if he is gonna cheat on me because am not giving him that. I need help here on how to handle this information, now I know he loves me and man are visual creatures but still hurts to think about it. How do you help man with this kinds of desires when they want to stick to one woman and not involve another person in the marriage.

Now since he says he is ok without it, but felt hurted, I don't wanna be like the selfish one in the relationship...

You are not the selfish one in this relationship. He is. He is selfishly not willing to invest energy in providing qualitatively good sex to you (no foreplay, no affection etc.) and to top that he is now trying to get you to do which you loathe and making you feel guilty (you hurt HIS feelings, right) for not doing it. Of whom is he thinking trying to pressure you into this? HIMSELF.

He is being manipulative! If he had told you before you married him, that he planned to use you to fulfill his selfish fantasies yould you have married him? The thing is, that there is a good possibility that he lets the issue rest for now, but will bring it up again at a later point in time. And after many no's he will get a yes from you at some point and you will regret it and will hate him for it.

At the time you were just friends with him, how did he treat other girlfriends? Do you have any info about that?

Paragraphs for readability

PLEASE !!!!


Have you read this site's BASIC CONCEPTS?

*** LINK to BASIC CONCEPTS ***

POJA
Policy of joint agreement

POJA <~~~ CLICK THIS LINK


In a healthy marriage, there is no negotiation when one spouse is requesting they engage in dangerous activities.

What if your H wanted you to play Russian Roulette with a pistol loaded with one bullet? Should something like this (an outrageous request) be negotiated via POJA?
No.

How do you help this man?
You say:

"No. I will not engage in any activity that is dangerous to me or to our marriage. Do you want a cookie?"

Tell him you will not tolerate adultery in your marriage and if he commits adultery, you will divorce him. He apparently needs to change his worldview dramatically or you won't have a marriage. Your H seems to not understand that marriage is supposed to be an exclusive relationship. You might want to consider divorcing him before you have children with him. If he wants to be a swinger, he doesn't have any business being married.

Thank you for the comments!!!!!!!!!!

Now the problem here is that he told me that when he practiced swingers he did it with married couples my guess is that the husband brought the fantasy to the wife and she scare to lose the husband agreeded and of course he only asked guys about it and they told him it was a marriage saviour so in his brain he thinks is good for marriages cuz it brings the spark since guys always have fantasies, and he thinks is sexy and also told me that since we gonna be together for the rest of the life he wants us to be old and say :yeah we did that we did everything we wanted: so his concept of a good marriage is have wild sex instead of making love wich drives me nuts and desapoint me and am sure lots of women are in the same predicament and lot of them instead of asking for help end up doing the fantasy to shut them up.

I just found this book and finished reading it and my husband is on deployment so as soon as he comes back am gonna ask him to read it and work in the workbook and see how he reacts about it.

he is willing to learn how to make love and please me but as any other man they think that just by reaching ur orgasm u should be in a happy sex relationship when we don't only look for orgasms but for bonding, understanding , and love.

If I tell him to read all this comments he is gonna tell me none of you is open mind and have been judgmental just how he told me.

Swinging has NEVER saved anyone's marriage. Even the most experienced swingers will tell you that if your marriage has problems before, then swinging will kill it completely.

As Pep said, its like playing russian roulette. You might get a rush out of it for a while, but that one bullet is gonna find you eventually. The reward is no where near worth the risk.

Tell your husband to stop watching porn. He's killing himself morally and wanting you to compete with porn stars. Not gonna happen.

Stop. The. Porn.

well he is not watching porn at all, but obviously he used to, and when we just got married I got rid of it and he has never watch it again, at least not in the house, but with deployments he probably does while he is away and his sense of making love is porn way.