AEK1. That's great. You will find that you have more and more UP days as you take control of your life.

You know you did the right thing when you look at your family and see everyone together and happy. Keep stepping forward and upward.

Cheers.

Welcome to the roller coaster!!

You will have good days, make time to register them, the odd thing is that the minute you start doing that you also notice more of them.

Those days when you know you made the right choices?

They are useful on the other days!!

Smile, it does things to your brain chemistry, breathe, eat well, do something for you.

Blessings

Help please.

My friend who is still buddy with the OW has suggested coffee next week. Part of me thinks 'say no', part of me thinks we should meet and I should explain why I can no longer be friends with her. I am worried that if we meet I will be too emotional and say things I regret that I can't take back.

Although OW lied about me before and after the affair, my friend does not believe this (or does not want to). This is very hurtful. I know that it is easier for my friend not to rock the boat as they are all still at school together, however I know that my friend sees more of OW than me. I should not have to beg for friends..........

There is also another lady I play tennis with and we see her and her H but I have also learnt that they also still see OW and her H. What should I do with her?

If I cut ties will all of those who are still in touch with OW I loose out again and I know people will think I am being silly.

Personally, I would find it too difficult to remain friends with those still on friendly terms with OW. Or anyone who turns the other way for infidelity. Those who can manage to stay friends with someone who would betray others would not understand why you feel upset by the continued friendship with your worst enemy.

And you know those who stood by your side.

If it was me, I would just say I was busy but thanks for the invite....and I would keep saying that. It's not really a loss to lose one of those friendships anyway, not really.

But I guess they are support OWH; he was innocent in all of this too...

I feel bad for you AEK1 - you're obviously hurting. If what you're describing are relationships that are formed, in part, as couples then you are, unfortunately, right that you have no more claim to these people than does OWH. I mean, he is just as much a victim as you. So it is not really a reflection on these people's character that they continue to associate with OW any more than it would be that they continue to associate with your H. It may be that your H is different from OW in that he is remorseful, but friends won't necessarily be in a position to make that judgment.

Pepperband had a really good suggestion for you about focussing on your FRIENDS' lives rather than your own. So, if you decided to meet this friend for coffee you should NOT discuss your marriage at all and should NOT let her discuss it (or OW) either. I think most here would say that the best thing would be to let all of these people go as they are connected with OW, but you seem to be extremely upset at the thought of losing all of these connections. In that case, Pepperband's advice is probably your best bet.

Do you think you could do that? If not, DON'T meet with her, not even to explain why you can't continue to be friends with her. Just make an excuse, and either meet her later when you feel stronger, or just let the relationship slide. I don't think you are in any way equipped to have that sort of convo right now.

My suggestion? Find new friends who are FOR your marriage and have no ties to OW. That way, you can focus on a NEW life, one that is BETTER and has friends you will ENJOY you time with.

I ditched a friend from HS on FB because he is "friends" with OW. He doesn't even talk to OW, but the fact that I may see a comment on his page, or she could see one on mine had me triggered. I decided that my own peaceful existence was more important than a friend I had for more than 20 years.

Just tell your friend that you are not making anyone choose sides, that YOU are choosing, and in choosing, you have decided that you can no longer be her friend. Tell her that it is about YOU and how YOU feel when confronted with her continued friendship with OW.

I have very few friends. I am well liked, and can make friends quite easily. I choose to keep friends that I find BETTER my life. I don't want drama, so I stay away from those who crave it. If someone treats me poorly, I stay far away. I don't go out a lot, but that's okay, cuz when I do, I ALWAYS have a blast. And some of the best "friends" I have, I found HERE.

It all boils down to you deciding what is more important, keeping friendships, or making a life that is BETTER. It's your choice afterall.

AEK, I can sort of relate to what you're feeling. While my husband and I were separated, there was a couple that were friends with us and who we socialized with sometimes. During this time, they continued to work with DH and have him over for dinner. When I confronted my FWH about this, he told me they said would talk to him about his life and tell him he was wrong BUT that they would support him whatever he decided. (remember I didn't know anything about MB). I was furious. This was a Christian couple, and we had known them through a ministry.

After we reconciled, they continued inviting us to dinner and remain friends today. BUT, I still felt very uncomfortable when we were around them because I feel like they threw me under the bus. They pretended like nothing ever happened.

Too much time has passed now and they have since relocated. But during that time I would not have accepted an invitation from them if it came. Knowing what I know now, I would have.

That is a choice. It is not choosing you.

I liked Pep's suggestion. What that will do is, besides leaving you feeling powerful, weed through your friends so you quickly have an idea of who you may still want to try and be friends with, and who is too toxic.

The toxic ones, I would recommend nicely telling them you aren't willing to have them in your life because of their choice to be friends with the OW.

The ones who are not toxic in and of themselves, but aren't healthy for you to be around, such as a friend who never mentioned anything remotely concerning OW or her family, but it just bothers/triggers you too much knowing they've been in touch...just let them drift away. I don't feel like you have to club them over the head with it, unless they come out and ask you why you've become distant.

As to your question about the WELL-JUSTIFIED feelings of resentment toward your FWH, the single most important thing you both need to do is get your UA time in. 15 hours is enough for maintenance. When your M is in any trouble, 20+ hours is necessary to grow those feelings of love.

Be vigilant about getting the full time, and you'll be happily surprised by how quickly the in-love feelings build. It's much easier to deal with the triggers and negative changes when FWH has built up a positive balance in your $LB.

what should we do in our UA time.....I don;t think we are doing this right.

So on Wednesday when I see this girl, I will be honest and say that I cannot maintain my friendship with her. To be honest she has hardly bother with me anyway but I know she's been on holiday with OW.

Do I tell her all the stuff that I have heard that OW said about me. OW lied so much to other post the affair but people believed her.....god that really hurts - this friend needs to know how evil OW but I have a funny feeling that she will not hear what I am telling her.

Dear MB This is a letter to a friend who I am meant to be seeing on Wednesday.....really dreading seeing her so thought perhaps I should send this instead. Thoughts please....

Dear X

I know that we were meant to be meeting on Wednesday but I am not sure it will serve much of a purpose. You know how fond of you I am and I miss your friendship very much but I find your relationship with OW too painful and therefore in order for me to be able to move forward with my family and husband, I sadly need to move away from this situation. When we talked before about this, I tried to explain how I felt and you said that you wanted to treat us the same, but I don't fee/see this.

I have never and would never ask you to choose; you have done this yourself. You have chosen her friendship over mine. This breaks my heart as I have tried so very hard to understand and cope with your friendship with OW. But there comes a time when it is not viable and that is now.

When the affair was going on, I asked for help and support but nobody believed me.

I have since found out that during the affair, OW actually slagged me off to our year group. This is not fabrication - I have heard it from the horses mouth. She used to belittle me, say I had been horrid to her, used her and I was affectionately known as 'she' by OW.

During the affair OW cleverly alienated people away from me. Told them things that I never said. She even fed her H lines which he then repeated that night when we all had supper. She was very astute though and never said these things to my nearest and dearest as they would have simply challenged her or mentioned them to me.

Post the affair, OW continued to lie to those who would listen. Once again targeting the distant contacts (those who had no reason not to believe her) and she is the sole reason I was banned from school. She told people that I harassed her, I stalked her and I broke in to her house. She actually told people this. FACT. She ruined my childrens last 2 terms at school and was the reason I considered suicide on two attempts. I cannot comprehend why anyone would want to be a friend of hers if she is capable of this level of destruction and deceit.

But you have made your choice and I accept that.

Good luck; we will miss you all dearly. Please know the door is always open should you want to come through it.

Your loyal friend

I am not good at letters, but I would say that this letter shouldn't be sent as is.

Attacking OW isn't going to help YOU at all. I know you want to clear the air. Let others find out what OW is on their own. You gave them a warning, let them decide their own lives.

I think a letter more like,



I think of it as almost a Plan B letter, and one where OW shouldn't be named. Your recovery needs to get away from focusing on OW.

Also, don't give anyone any ammo to use against you.

AEK1, In all honesty, your letter makes you sound weak and desperate. I know that you are none of those things.

Scotty's letter, on the other hand, shows a strong woman who is taking control of her life.

No need to re-hash all the details. Your friend already knows that you are a kind and caring person who was treated unfairly. Maybe your friend feels a bond with OW because she is a wayward herself. All the more reason to distance yourself from her.

Go with Scotty's suggestion and hold your head high.

Scotty took the words right outa my mouth. Word thief!

I hope it made you feel better to write the first letter. It's important to vent. It's not a letter I would ever recommend you to actually send.

Scotty's letter is perfect. Strong, caring, to-the-point. It lays out the lines very clearly, without bogging down in "OW did this" and "OW did that".

If knowing that OW committed adultery with her friend's husband isn't enough for this woman to sever the friendship, nothing you tell her about - even in a well-meant warning - will change her mind.

She is weak. Let her be weak. You have a beautiful life to live far away from that whole mess, and anyone related to it.

Struggling....heard today that she has been welcomed back in to the school like nothing happened......and she was handing out free football shirts - her husband is the clubs sponsor! Why are people giving her the benefit of the doubt? Why can't people see her for what she is? Do I really have to cut myself off from anybody that is in contact with her?

I think your response to any news about OW provides the obvious answer. You cannot control how people react, and in this society most people react to adultery by others with an "oh, well."

Sorry if you've already gone over this...but what about moving to a different community where you can truly establish NC with her and everyone in her orbit?

I see this as a terrible barrier to recovery for you.

It is a terrible barrier.....xxx

They do know what she is and I would put money on it that they are talking about her behind her back. They don't cut her off because it wasn't their own husband and not their own problem. Simple as that. Life as usual. Conflict avoiders.

No you don't have to cut everyone off if you don't mind struggling all the time and having hard days.

Or you could decide that you have had enough and take control of your life. Are you going to allow yourself to be stuck in this mire forever? What is more important to you?

How did things go on Wed? Did your friend give you this info about OW? That was very thoughtful of her if that is the case.

She delayed as she had a meeting with the planners. She wanted to meet Friday but I said I was busy. I am avoiding her until my dons party... Then I will let her know that I am no longer interested in her friendship. Tough call.

If she is your friend, she will understand and wish you happiness.