Ok, Ive been posting on this forum for two months now and seen a lot in that short space of time

After reading posts from BSs and WSs, the red flags of infidelity become pretty easy to spot in real life.

You hear a friend say they 'grew apart' from their partner and 'loves them but not in love with them'

An acquaintance tells you she met her boyfriend after he separated from his wife - but her story has more holes in it than swiss cheese

You see co-workers behave in a flirty way that would never have bothered you before becoing an MBer.

Not to mention the TONNES of 'dont tell anyone' confessions you get after doing exposure

'The same thing happened to us - but I forgave him and we never told anyone'

'I know it's wrong -but I cant stop texting him'

My question is - how much do you interfere? I give out advice, I tell people to check out this website.

Sometimes though I feel there needs to be a sort of marriage superhero to help all the people within range of me.

So, does great MB knowledge come with great responsibility?

What do all you seasoned veterans do when you see something off? Do you step in and if so, how far?

Also, are MB principles to be used when the parties arent married but living together?

I too saw signs everywhere. I pointed people here, loaned out the books, and even had a chance to let a WW know that she was doing something very wrong, exposing to her BH. I even tried to help my parents. Well, mostly, no one did anything, but I still talk highly about MB, and offer whatever help I can. If someone takes the step to check this place out, good for them, if not, that's okay too.

The biggest difference in my life is the standards I hold my friends to. I won't be friends, even on FB with people who are current waywards.

I have decided that showing by example is the best way to show others the benefits of MB. I help where I can, but I KNOW that people not familiar with MB just don't "get it" the way people who are do.

ETA:IMO, MB does have some ability to help people who aren't legally married to each other, but it isn't as effective since it is meant to be a program that is done with a fuller commitment.

My WH's father...in a long term affair. I am at our sports training site with him and his "secret" OW 3 to 4 days a week. (they spend all their recreational time together...no wonder there is an affair) I told OW I am aware of the situation. If I ever mention it again I will be barred from the site. (and miss the entire summer with my kids who train here.) However, he is not married to his girlfriend of 15 YEARS, but it is INFIDELITY nonetheless.

Well welcome to the world, and I don't mean it lightly. It's prevalent.

It's what God allows. Doesn't mean we have to succomb to it, any of us. Means simply you have to stay on your horse. When you get older am sure you will know what that meants.

I attempt to use a sense of humor here. I do that because it keeps me sort of sane with my own challenges.

Tom

Honestly, other than MB, I prefer to go the way of the gibbon. My interaction or observance of others is limited off of these boards.

Yes, infidelity is everywhere. However, those who haven't truly faced it (some have experienced it, and survive through a combination of numbing and denial) cannot or do not want to listen.

So, I keep my marriage in a little corner of the forest, prepared to chase off intruders.

I never felt as alone as I did in the first few days post dday. So, in some ways, knowing there are A LOT of BS likes me suffering makes me feel a little better.

Aside from my wife and her boyfriend (who I knew well) I really didnt know of many philanderers.

One I knew also had serious drug issues so he was a mess and lost his wife and sees his kid on rare occasions.

Another cheater I knew has been very helpful to me and I advised him to come here WITH HIS BW. She still has her moments with him and he is desperate to get passed it now over 2 years since his dday.

So cheating is prevalent in society. Every darn TV show and movie has it as plot or certainly sub plot.

In the past 3 months, Id say to my wife when in a public situation that I wonder who else is hiding a disasterous private life like she and I are hiding. She said that almost everyone is on some sort of "drug" to handle stress. No, I meant how many have caught their spouse banging another person? Lets be frank, here.

I sometimes want everyone to have a adulterous spouse so Im not so alone.

When you come across BSs, who are suffering that's an easy interaction because you magically speak the same language.

My problem is when you see people who are just veering into wayward-land

They may or may not be married and you may not have all the info but you get this awful feeling bout where they are headed.

You feel like you want to yell 'stop!' - its like watching a baby headed for the fireplace.

Im just trying to firm up where the line is of where it becomes something I should act on.

Like Scotty, I am reviewing my friends

I give out info about MB

I would expose anyone actively cheating on a BS.

But theres a lot of people in grey area land and they have no idea they are making the world a sadder place.

When I was about to leave my previous job, I found out that two of my colleagues were having an affair. I was also told that the male colleague told the female part that if anyone did find out about their schtooping together, then it would be the end of it. It was at my farewell party and I said to OM that if you had trouble in your marriage then sort the things out with your wife not with someone else. He went very quiet, I knew that he realised almost instantenously that their affair is out there. I wish I just were bolder and said only "I know" and then walked away. I don't know what happened afterwards since I broke all contact with people who were their coverups.

But saying that you know surely causes much needed turmoil in this lala-land. It is definitely worth trying.

I think that your senses are sharp enough to recognise the moment you have to act on. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then you know what to do.

I certainly notice signs and behavior much more now that I am cognizant of it. Unrepentant waywardness causes justification in other areas of life as well. My mother's sister divorced her BH and married her AP years ago. She is still a proponent of the "follow your heart" life plan and her selfishness carries over to how she treats my mother, who is the primary caregiver for my grandmother. It's sad, really, as I was saying to mom one day I hoped my girls stayed close throughout their lives, that mom's reply was something along the lines of just b/c you have a sister, it doesn't automatically guarantee that you'll like them very much.

I also notice far more dangerousness in interactions between coworkers of the opposite sex, that it's not only the situations themselves, whether it's words or behavior, but also the perceptions of others, as you can tell a lot about a person and how they value their M. Divorce and infidelity seems almost epidemic in the criminal justice field and even though the OM in my sitch had nothing to do with my own career, it wasn't something I consciously paid attention to until my own failure to protect my M. People tend to take this "oh well/move on" attitude when they learn about my separation, sort of like "well, you've been separated for 8 months now, time to move on, wtf are you still depressed about it? Get over it already!"

I have a very small group of GFs, really it's just a group of 4 of us who've known each other from about middle school. They do vent about their H's from time to time and I'll occasionally chip in with some MB-based advice. One's H had issues with porn but they seem to have resolved that, the others just struggle with ENs, either meeting them or not having theirs met, and LBs. I did offer one of them my HNHN home study course since I havn't used it, but that stupid inner optimist keeps wanting to hold onto it thinking that maybe someday H will come home. That particular friend was also FB friends with one of her ex's, and sometime back she'd commented that he had invited her to lunch and I said absolutely no way, no how! I told them I would roundly kick their azzes if they made the mistakes I made.

It's also a sad commentary on our society how often infidelity, waywardness and just flat-out casual, immoral sexual behavior is rampant in popular culture these days. Yet another thing I didn't notice until my own defogging. Daytime soaps get a deserved bad rap, although I found it interesting that the one soap I still watch occasionally has a couple who seemed to successfully work through infidelity, and while it was tied up in a neat little bow (and you never know what the next storyline for this couple will bring) and handled in "soap opera time" (you know, how a toddler magically ages to teenager in the space of weeks???), there was actually some thoughtful treatment of trickle truth, the importance of O&H, the inner struggles of the BS (the W in this case), fog and eventual remorse from the WH, and efforts to meet needs.

Wow, you sure summed it up I-girl.
I am overwhelmed by what I now see. The comments from my own grown (Age 30) daughter about her first marriage, all fit the pattern. I was powerless to do anything as once she started she shut me out of her life (I have not seen my grandson in two years because she is keeping him from me) because she knows I represent a high value in marriage....
People at work. My brother (who after watching my experiences in life has changed his behavior and owned up to them with his wife. And I see how TV and movies innocently portray male female relationships with others during marriage....
Sometimes frustrating and makeing me feel more dinasour like than I already do.
Somedays I feel so bad about the prevalence of infidelity that I feel like fidelity is a concept like Santa. Discouraging.
But I am just having one of those off days where I am hurting again and at least it isn't every day anymore.
Blessings
Me BS 56
She WW 50
Hers 18, 22
Mine 22, 28, 30
Ours DS 12
D-Day 1 - April 26 2009
D-Dapy 2 - October 15 2009
Exposed February 22, 2010
Me: Reforming Verbal Abuser
She: still won't divulge OM # 2 despite overwhelming evidence, but slowly, ever so slowly, she is turning towards me. But it is more of an arrangement than a marriage.
Attending Counseling following MB Principles - maybe there is hope but other days I wonder if this is not a slow lingering death.

I feel the same way. I feel like every couple I know is in danger of an affair! Their marriages need to be affair proofed, so I try to tell everyone I know about this website and Dr Harley's books.

You have to be careful though. A close friend and neighbor recently told me she wants to divorce her H. I asked why and she gave me the same song and dance you mentioned..."we grew apart"..."I'm not in love with him anymore" ...blah blah blah fog babble... Based on my experience and what I've learned here, I know she's having an affair, so I asked if she is having an affair and she freaked. Now, she won't talk to me and she has turned several neighbors against me.

H and I meet frequently for lunch. I find myself looking at the people at the tables around me, (obviously people who work together). I watch their interaction and wonder: are they having an EA? PA? I watch their body language.

Then I realize what I'm doing and wonder if people are thinking the same thing about H and me, LOL! It makes me want to stand up and announce "We're MARRIED TO EACH OTHER."

I've refrained so I don't look like a lunatic.

I am a teacher and I see the pattern starting in our school age children. When all of us were growing up you always would hang out with members of the opposite sex. Remember the jealous boyfriend and girlfriend then? They still are here today.

Why you ask? Because they are jealous of their significant other hanging out with members of the opposite sex or their independent behavior of always wanting to hang out with their friends. I see it daily. Of course I was immune to it before my ww had her affair, but I am a lot more aware now.

This behavior of always having friends of either sex continues on into marriage and then you combine it with poor boundaries and then you have yourself a recipe for infidelity.

It is certainly everywhere because our society is a breeding ground for it.

I had a very committed wife for 7 years. Our marriage fell into that usual rut--neither of us knew how to get out of it what we wanted and were not honest and open with each other.

But the factors that led her to her affair was her poor boundaries and independent lifestyle---things she always had but didn't play upon them until our marriage was weak. These were both behaviors she always had---most people have--no wonder we see such a high incidence of this wacked out thing we call infidelity.

Apparently its not as crazy as you think.

This weekend my parents went on their regular Sunday night date - to their usual place. They found themselves being quizzed by another pub regular. She said "You two are in here every week. Wherever do you find the time?"

My dad says: "We dont ever plan anything else Sunday nights" and my mum said: "Theres always time to get out and have fun".

They were confused as to what she could mean. Then she says: "Yes but how to you both explain it to your other halves?(!!!)"

So my mum and dad were shocked and insisted they were married to each other. She smirked and said: "You could never make me believe that. You both come in here regular as clockwork, he gets your chair for you, she always has this big smile - No, there's no way you're married".

So thats how infested the world we live in has become - Now being mistaken for wayward aliens is supposed to be a compliment!!!

I can almost bet that that comment came from.....A WAYWARD. Just don't get it.

YEP!.....the World IS turned upside down!.....and inside out!!

But.....I'm NOT giving up on the Real Life!!!

Indie,

First of all:

"I feel like every couple I know is in danger of an affair!"..from hbd.

I still don't know how to cut and paste others' comments on here but whatever.

hbd, what a trite little expression, but it doesn't hold for most of married couples despite what you and the media express!

Indie, I can imagine your mom and dad being upset becuse they are out for their usual meal together and confronted by this olf! People tend to attemtpt to project their own inadequacies and guilt on others, to assuage themselves. In 42 years of marriage I have never had that happen tho, and if it ever did I might have just played along and have tried to hold this woman's hand and take her aside and attemtpt to explain to her that we are Albanian spies and can only meet here to exchange secret info. And, that we love each other but there is a guy in a large trenchcoat outside the window of the restraurant who is trying to kill us! I'd tell her that infidelity and death are verywhere. And then I would plead with her to ask if she could take us to her home and hide us overnight - and that we wouldn't be any bother.

Tom

Tom, you're a caution! That poor woman would be out the door and running down the street, after that exchange!

How's the new family member doing?

Good topic...

I was one of those woman that had lots of men friends because of the field I was in that was 80%/90% men. Never thought twice about going to lunch with just one guy or hanging out.

After my XH had A and Affairage with plastic pig and watched him torpedo his career, wife and family I changed.

I trusted XH and never thought he would ever have an A and especially not with coworker because he had high ethics.

Now I no longer go out to lunch unless it is a group, hold myself back from talk that could be construed as flirty.

Yes I do speak up about boundaries or to warn women when I notice signs of "what if"...

I wanted to save my M so if I can help someone else save theirs some good will come out of this tragedy.

I actually agree with hbd.

When I first started coming here I read Dr H's figure that 60 per cent of marriages experience an affair. I thought that figure was IMPOSSIBLE when I looked at the marriages around me.

However since exposure day, a lot of surprising confessions have come my way. Plus my own observations make me worried for people.

I now think the 60 per cent figure was over cautious and that its prob higher.

In fact my parents' marriage, and my deceased maternal grandparents' marriage are the ONLY RL marriages I know that abide by MB concepts

Hence my starting this thread!