My experience was that when i finally stopped "hating" my WXH, that was the moment that I had stopped loving him. It was almost 4 yrs after the D. I had been dating and was unable to form a bond with any one I went out with. 4 years after the divorce i met my present H. I was instantly attracted and it was scary. 33 years later, he still gives me chill bumps. We had a rough go a few years back, but thanks to MB we are back on track.

Relax, you are growing!

Scotty, glad you are feeling somewhat better. And as far as why you ever thought XWH was attractive -

I've had several Romance novels published. When I do workshops, I am sometimes asked why the characters in *all* Romance novels are always described as such perfect specimens of physical attraction since nobody could really look like that.

I always answer, "They're described that way because you are seeing these characters through the eyes of another character who loves them. When you love someone, they become beautiful to you. That's why the descriptions often sound so over-the-top to anyone else."

For sure it works the other way, too.

Haha BARFDAY. Love it Scotty!

There IS a reason why MB works, and it is because it works to heal and bolster emotional ties. When you BEHAVE ugly (like waywards do) that ugliness comes from the inside and radiates outward.

His actions have made him become a shadow of the former man to you now. and somehow, affairs have a way of making the wayward "affair down" and usually they make the wayward sometimes become ACTUALLY less attractive in real life too. Many go to extremes, losing alot of weight or gaining weight (depression), and they sometimes change the way they actually look to match their affair partner.

I have a funny story again about this.

My xwh and I had just separated at this time. I was at home with Courtney (my old IM) and she would answer the door for me when Darth would return or pick up my son from his visitation. But somehow he was way late and she had to go so I had to open the door.

This time, I was forced to open the door. And my eyes were opened! In the past, Darth had been a very high powered businessman. He was attractive, a conservative yet amazing dresser, and always looked well-groomed and like a guy you'd want to elect President.

The doorbell rang and I opened the door. My little boy was standing nearby, with his cute little suitcase rolling behind him. In the doorway stood Darth, dressed in some sort of Gotti-esque silk shirt with yellow, white and black stripes, ripped up black jeans, and wierd bug-eyed sunglasses on.

I looked @ him and said, "Where have YOU been?" He replied, "To the Pink and Lenny Kravitz concert."

Suddenly my little boy looks up at Darth and screams loudly and laughing, "Lookie mommy, Daddy looks like a ZEE-BAH (zebra)!

I said, "yes honey, your dad DOES look like a zebra doesn't he. Or maybe Bono on a bender."

He then said, "I have to go soon and by the way, my shirt is by Versace. Family Values is in the car and I have to get her home soon." (family values IS the wistress)

I said, "How SWEET..YOU TOOK THE BABYSITTER TO THE CONCERT AND NOW YOU HAVE TO TAKE HER BACK HOME TO HER PARENTS before it's midnight."

But the memory of him MORPHING into this wierd new strange looking man (30's trying to look early 20's) was beyond me. A CEO of a damn company looking like that and behaving so silly.

So yes, sometimes they can literally turn ugly on you.

I hope I reach the point of strength you have reached Scotty, if softlad persists in being wayward. Hope I will get the wisdom to see ugliness when I experience it.

Peachy - oh my god, he sounds like a dude dad!

scotty i have to say i love reading your growth. You are an amazing woman and mother to your two DS. As others have said where you are with your emotions are scarey but they are also a normal part of the process. I wish you and your boys nothing but the best on this continue journey.

Schoolbus, I want to thank you, personally.

Last year, around this time, I saw you mention the book "Leadership and Self-deception." I purchased the book, but I didn't read it, until this past Thursday. WOW. It is an excellent book, and it is going to help me in ALL of my relationships, professionally and personally.

While reading the book, I thought of some people who would benefit from it. I also thought about passing it on to my boss, although that may take some creative "gifting." I can see how I have been in the box. I can see how I can get out of the box. I have some friendships, where I am never in the box, my bestfriend is DEFINITELY one of those people. A lot of the people on here, same thing.

It is a VERY interesting read, and something that I am going to need to read a few times, to make sure I get it all sunk in.

Again, THANK YOU.

On the Bampot front.....

DS11 had minor oral surgery yesterday. He had a GIANT baby tooth removed that never erupted(it was also an extra tooth). I sent a message through my IM about the surgery on Monday. DS11 didn't want to talk to Bampot at all the whole week. On Thursday night, Bampot tried to contact DS11 3 times. DS11, didn't want to talk to him. After his surgery, DS11 did email Bampot to let him know that he was okay(he was going under for the surgery). Bampot called him about 30 minutes later. At times like these, I remember MY DH. Oh where oh where did he go?

What does 'in the box' mean? Might try that, looking for a good read....

Scotty,

I just read about an hour's worth of your thread. Wow. I stand in awe of your resolve. You are tough! Thanks for letting us see these glimpses into your life and take encouragement from them.

Cv

Not to T/J about how your WS becomes unattractive, but when my WH came home at Thanksgiving 2010 to work on the marriage he was that 22 year old frat boy.

Remember he was deployed living with OW (thanks US Army and Commander Azz***e). I confirmed he was having an affair at Thanksgiving due to my intuition and some excellent snooping!!!

Anyway - my WH had shaved his entire body. Arms, legs, chest, and all. I was like what the heck is happening. Who are you and where is my husband? He tried to tell me he has been doing it for years!!! What planet was he on?

After I did a huge snoop of OW's facebook page I realized she was into bodybuilding Army men. My WH was trying to be that guy. Granted two days later I found the hot tub pictures and then everything made sense.

Waywards will do some really stupid and silly things while addicted. It is hilarious now, but wasn't at the time!!!

CV, you are welcome, and thank you for commenting.

Tough, it is crazy what they start to do and some of the things they come up with, eh? I remember things that Bampot said and did, and now looking back, I "see" it. I hope that my story can help others "see" it too. I also hope that I can help at least one person get through, since I was helped by so many.

Hello fellow Plan B'er.... just want you to know I am always following along ... but never have anything useful to say.

Once you read it, you'll "get" it.

Have you read my thread? I t/j myself all the time and this thread takes on some interesting, and sometimes BORING twists(puzzles YAWN). It is about MY LIFE, and my journey through this mess. Just knowing that there are others out there, gaining SOMETHING from this is enough, so I thank you Mehr. Everyone is worth something here. Remember that.

I guess you have not read my posts then hehe. Just because I am not sure it is useful, sure doesn't stop me.

Yes your presence cannot be replaced by mere words, but your identification with the betrayed can be very comforting to those who feel alone. I have read some of your posts and find them very real.

I want to get that book too Scotty and Indie, it sounds mind opening.

I'm with mehr, thanks for sharing your journey Scotland.

Sounds like a great book!

scotland- great book i agree! finished it last week and bought 2 more for gifts!

So, this morning I read my emails and I got one from my I.M. It says, "Bampot would like you to stop spraying the boys' things with perfume when he comes to pick them up. I asked the boys about it and DS8 says, "I only sprayed Baby(his security pillow) and Tiggy(his little tiger) so I wouldn't miss you Mama.". Well, I got a little teary. Also, DS11 has told me that he put on some of Bampot's old cologne(Bampot stopped wearing it YEARS ago). So, I told the I.M. To send Bampot back a message that I didn't know about it until now(aparently it was done last weekend and this one), and that Bampot needs to tell DS8 why he shouldn't be doing it(I REFUSE to be the bad guy over this especially when I don't see the harm in it).

Also, yesterday, I was on my lunch when one of my friends told me a small tidbit of info about OW. I asked her how she knew and she said, "nope you told me not to tell you anything about them.". I said, "Well, you already told me too much anyways." And she had. Now, getting the email from my I.M. This morning too. Well, needless to say, it has me thinking about "THEM" all over agin. Oh well, this is life in Plan B.

I would ask how someone changes so much in such a small amount of time(Bampot) but I've changed in leaps and bounds in the less than 2 years that I have been here. When you change for the better, its a welcome change.

HAH! It's the OW who doesn't want the scent of your perfume around!

Chances are...just about anything in your house is going to have the scent of your perfume mixed in with other normal household odors.

A couple of years after my dad died, my mom got new living room furniture and gave Daddy's old recliner to my DD. My DD loves it because it "smells like Big Mama's house"...and it does!

Household items are going to have a unique odor...specific to that house, that includes perfumes and colognes, air fresheners, cooking odors, cleaning produces, etc.

Bless your DS8's heart for wanting reminders of his mommy with him!

I agree that Bampot should be on the hot seat when it comes to explaining why reminders of you are a no-no at OW's house!

Without a doubt.